Ed Wuncler III quotes from The Boondocks

Ed Wuncler III

(to the assembled crowd) What the fuck y'all lookin' at? (into his Bluetooth) No baby, I wasn't talking to you...

(To Wuncler III) Uh, so I understand you just got back from Iraq?

Riley

For real? Yo, what's it like?

Wuncler III

What's it like?! What am I supposed to say to that? It was cool, there was bitches. Okay they was bitches but a lot of them had, ya know, they was cova'ed up in them curtains and stuff they be wearin'. But, I digress. It was WAR. It was war, basically. War, you know what that's like? Motherfuckers be like shooting (imitating a machine gun) Gah-geh-ga-ga-ge-gu-ga-gow! Bombs blowin' up. An' ya know, the shit scared me. It scared the shit outta me. Matter o' fact, I shit on myself over a dozen times. And ran out of toilet paper after the second time. So you know what that meant, right? I had to use the thumb, man, it was kinda nasty. But ya know, the good thing about it was they stopped taking me out on patrol cause my name became "Stink Bomb," you know wha' I'm saying? They said I was giving away our position, because of the shit smell. That was fine with me, know wha' I'm saying? They wanted to leave me back? And I was like, "Well fuck y'all. Y'all go ahead long, cause I don't need y'all anyway. I'm rich, bitch." (notices everyone is staring blankly at him) The fuck y'all looking at?

Riley

So y'all was in Iraq together?

Gin Rummy

Yeah we was in Iraq.

Riley

What did you do?

Gin Rummy

We was looking for weapons of mass destruction.

Riley

....Did you ever find them?

Gin Rummy

You know goddamn well we ain't find 'em. What are you some kinda POLITICAL HUMORIST?! You GARRY TRUDEAU up in dis bitch?!?!

Ed III

I was lookin' for bitches but they had that carpet shit all over them and I couldn't see what they look like. All that was really exposed was the eyes and that wasn't enough for me, cause you know shit I'm lookin' at the eyes, the eyes be pretty and I take the carpet off and then I got a tragedy.

Gin Rummy

But nah we ain't find 'em. but I always say the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.

Riley

What?

Gin Rummy

Simply because you don't have evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have evidence that something doesn't exist.

Riley

What?

Gin Rummy

What country you from?

Riley

What?

Gin Rummy

"What" ain't no country I ever heard of. They speak english in "What"?

Riley

What?

Gin Rummy

ENGLISH, MUTHAFUCKER!! DO YOU SPEAK IT!?

Riley

Yeah!

Gin Rummy

So you understand the words I'm sayin' to you.

Riley

Yeah!...

Gin Rummy

Well what I'm sayin' is that there are known knowns and that there are known unknowns but there's also unknown unknowns. Things we don't know that we don't know.

Riley

...What?

Gin Rummy

SAY WHAT AGAIN! SAY WHAT AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU MUTHAFUCKER! SAY WHAT ONE MORE TIME!

Rummy

(to Ed) Watch my back, I got yo front.

Hey Ed, Rummy my close friends and allies it is good to see you.

Ed III

Go put dis in tha truck.

Hey slow your roll chief. You guy have to pay for that first.

Ed III

Damn! Chill out, Aladdin Hussein. You know I'm good for it.

Hey guys you know the rules. No exceptions, cash only.

Ed III

Look, he got a weapon! (pulls out his hand gun and points it at the clerk)

Rummy

Whoa, wait a minute now, (points his M-16 at the clerk) Put the gun down.

Gun? What gun? I'm not holding a gun. Guys, it's me. Ed, your father help me build this store.

Rummy

I DON'T KNOW YOU MUTHAFUCKER! NOW, PUT DOWN THE WEAPON, PUT IT DOWN!!

There is no weapon, look!

Rummy

DROP THE WEAPON!!

(trembling nervously) I-- I don't see a weapon!

There is no weapon, they're robbing the store!

I am not holding a weapon! I AM NOT HOLDING A WEAPON!

Rummy

OFFICER, THIS MUTHAFUCKER GOT A GUN POINTED AT YOU!! YOU WANNA DIE!?

WHAT?!

Rummy

DO-YOU-WANNA-DIE!?

I-I DON'T WANNA DIE!

He does not have a gun!

Rummy

HE DOES HAVE A GUN, TRUST ME!! THE ABSENCE OF EVIDENCE IS NOT THE EVIDENCE OF ABSENCE!!

I-I DON'T SEE A GUN!

Ed III

Man, fuck this shit! (points his gun at Officer Frank.) Whose side you on? Mine, or this muthafucker who's obviously of terrorist descent?

Wait, I think I can see the gun now!

Rummy

GOOD, NOW ALL SEE THE WEAPON!! NOW YOU HAND OVER THAT WEAPON ON THE COUNT OF THREE, OR I SWEAR TO ALL MIGHTY GOD, I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD OFF!! ONE!!

I CAN'T GIVE YOU A WEAPON I'M NOT HOLDING!! YOU'RE THINKING OF THE KOREAN SHOP, NORTH OF HERE!

Rummy

TWO!!

Is he... still holding it!?

He-is-not-holding-a-weapon!

Rummy

TIMES UP!!

Gin Rummy

Man, I don't get that.

Ed Wuncler III

Get what?

Gin Rummy

That textin' shit!

And what's wrong with textin'?

Gin Rummy

You mean aside from the fact that it's the stupidest fuckin' thing in the world? I mean, why would anyone in their right mind spend fifteen minutes tryin' to type some shit they could've called and said in five seconds? Plus, it involves typing with your thumbs, which I just don't approve of. Shit, I don't know about you, but I don't have time to read nothin' that a mothafucka typed with his thumbs. Fun fact: Nothing typed by someone's thumbs has ever been important. It's all just Nigga Technology anyway.

What'd you call it?

Gin Rummy

Nigga Technology. Technology for Niggas. And you don't start trippin' and shit, call me a racist. 'Cause I don't mean Nigga in a disrespectful way, I-I mean it as a general term for an ignorant motherfucker. Anybody of any race can be an ignorant motherfucker.

Shit, I be textin' my ass off, shit, bitches like text! I be textin' 'em all the time; 'matter of fact, I also be textin' my weed man, too, cause, you know, he don't like to be on the phone, so I text 'im!

Gin Rummy

...Case in point.

Gin Rummy

So basically, Nigga Technology is anything that doesn't plug into a printer. Does that plug into a printer?

No.

Gin Rummy

Know why? 'Cause niggas never have anything to print.

Ed Wuncler III

Yo.

Gin Rummy

What up?

Ed Wuncler III

Yo, can you hear me?

Gin Rummy

Yeah, I see you too. Whatcha want, Nigga?

Ed Wuncler III

Aw man, same shit. What's up with you?

Gin Rummy

Da fuck you mean "what's up with me"? I'm sitting right here next to you.

Ed Wuncler III

Voice sound real sexy right now...

Gin Rummy

Say what?!

Ed Wuncler III

You wanna talk to me later on?

Gin Rummy

No, I don't wanna talk later on motherfucker! WHAT DA FUCK IS WRONG WIT YOU?! WHAT DA FUCK'S SO SEXY ABOUT MY VOICE?!

Ed Wuncler III

(Reveals the Bluetooth on his left ear) Ah man, my bad, I was on the phone.

Gin Rummy

Great, you got one of those ridiculous fucking headset.

Ed Wuncler III

Okay, now last week I was in the strip club, right? I had titties in one hand, titties in the other hand, I had two hands full of titties. That's bigger than two scoops of raisins; I'm still talking to my accountant at the same time. What's not to like about that?!!

Gin Rummy

Okay, first of all, I don't know when you talkin' to me, or when you talkin' on the god damn phone. Second, when people wear those thing, they appear to be talkin' to theirselves, there's a name for people who talk to theirselves, Ed... they're called the homeless!

Ed Wuncler III

Man, bitches love this Bluetooth shit, it changed my life! I don't know what to do with my hands now!

Gin Rummy

Be that as it may, no technology is worth my dignity. If talking on a wireless headset means I gotta look like Buck Rogers, then I'm not interested. Besides, there's a reason why people hold a phone to their head, Ed; it lets people around you know your talking on the phone. So those people know not to waste time talking to ya until you finish, which you indicate, by putting that mothafucka away!

Ed Wuncler III

(into his Bluetooth while Gin Rummy is bending over to look under the bed) "You know I like the way your booty looks when you bend over; I like that a lot. Very sexy. Mm-hmm, I can make it over there later... yeah I'm real ready."

Gin Rummy

"I hate that fucking headset!"

Ed Wuncler III

You see, I'm what they call tecno-savvy. I fucks wit da future

Gin Rummy

Yeah, the problem is we don't live in the future, Ed, we live in the present, and in the present that shit looks ridiculous. It's not a cybernetic ear, it's a fucking cell phone headset. The only thing you gonna do wit da thing is call a bitch and unless the bitch is a Martian, there ain't no explanation for that shit to look that damn high-tech. Have you seen that shit in the mirror? You look like you're going to a fucking comic book convention!

Gin Rummy

(to Riley as he and Ed rode of on his bike) Thank you for not snitching!

Ed Wuncler III

You stupid mother fucka!

Riley

Come one, Ed, you gots to help me out.

Ed Wuncler III

Kidnapping? Uh, I don't know, Riley. My grandpops would be tripping, man. Why don't you, you know, try something different, like diplomacy for change?

Riley

Man, just snatch him up, and if the nigga don't have the chain on him, get the regulatin' him, and make him tell you where it alt.

Ed Wuncler III

[To a tied-up child hanging by his feet from the ceiling] Now, what I want you to do is think - just think - these two grapes, is your two little itty-bitty-kiddie testicles. [He smashes the grapes with a massive sledgehammer.]

Ed Wuncler III

WHERE IS THE CHAIN?

[crying] I don't know, I swear to God!

Ed Wuncler III

Don't swear to God. I talk to God all the time and God happens to be the one who told me to torture your ass, ya lyin' stealin' motherfucker. [raising the sledgehammer to take a swing at his face] You gonna tell me where that chain is, I know that!

Riley

Ed, can I talk to you outside? Please?

Ed Wuncler III

[Grabbing the boy's hair] Look at my face. Look at it! I'm gonna crush your little kiddie penis with this hammer when I get back, if you don't tell me where that chain is at!

[Wailing incoherently]

Riley

Now, Ed! [Riley and Ed leave the room] That's the wrong kid, Ed! I told you to grab Butch Magnus, 5'4, 130 pounds!

Ed Wuncler III

Well, how was I supposed to know that was the wrong kid?

Riley

I gave you a picture, man, how hard is it to grab the right kid, Ed?

Ed Wuncler III

[Walking back into the room] You told me to grab a kid. I grabbed a kid. You don't like the way I do it, then do your own kidnapping. [untying the boy] You know what, that's your only freebie. You want me to kidnap anyone else, you payin' top dollar.

Riley

That's not fair, you grabbed the wrong kid!

Ed Wuncler III

Tough titty! [To the boy] My bad. You go ahead and leave. [As he cowers] What the fuck you lookin' all scared for, huh? I said you was free to go right? Which part of 'my bad' do you not understand? Oh, so now you wanna make this a whole big fuckin' thing, huh? Well, fuck you, then! [he lunges at the boy, to be stopped by Riley]

Riley

Woah, okay, okay, enough, man, enough!

Ed Wuncler III

Naw, naw, man, I'm sick of this shit, I'm tryin' to squash it, right, and this bitch-ass motherfucker still actin' like he hurt and shit. [Grabbing at the boy with every sentence] I ain't even touched this motherfucker, yet! I ain't even brushed past you yet, I ain't even make eye contact with your punk-ass! [As the boy runs away screaming] Yeah, come on over here, I'll give your bitch-ass something to cry about!