TTom
[about the R. Kelly sex tape] Riley, it was a little girl!
Oh, I saw that girl. She ain't little. I'm little.
And to the best of my knowledge, we all managed to avoid gettin' peed on so far.
TTom
But what about the victim?
Oh, yes, the victim. At what point does personal responsibility become a factor in this equation?
TTom
I don't think that--
I see piss comin', I move.
She saw piss comin', she stayed.
And why should I miss out on the next R. Kelly album just for that? [walks away]
Man, you just got beat by an eight-year old.
[from afar] And, if R. Kelly goes to jail, I'll piss on yo' cat!
(Tom has a nightmare where he drops the soap in prison)
?"Health Inspector"
Soap drop, nigga.
(Tom gasps)
?"Health Inspector"
Oh, you think you just gon' leave it down there?
?"Health Inspector"
Huh? We don't waste no muthafuckin' soap in here.
TTom
I'm... I'm finished!
?"Health Inspector"
Naw. Naw, nigga. You ain't finish. I been watchin' you.
?"Health Inspector"
You ain't wash behind your ears or nothin'.
?"Health Inspector"
Now look at me. See how I'm all clean an' glistenin' an' shit? Dat's hygiene, nigga. You can call me the Health Inspector. Now PICK UP THE SOAP!
(A scared Tom wordlessly bends over to pick up the soap. The "Health Inspector" is standing directly behind him and starts to smile...)
OIOffscreen Inmates
Pray, baby. Pray!... I'm next!
DSDHS Spokesman
And so, we're raising the Terror Alert Level to intense orange-red based on very credible, detailed information on a non-specific threat. Could it be a hijacking? Absolutely possible. Chemical or biological agent? You bet it could happen. Suicide bomber? Hey, ya never know. But what we do know is that it's absolutely, positively gonna happen today, maybe.
(hysterical) Terrorists have my daddy!
Terrorists kidnapped my father and they're going to cut off his head in Algeria! My daddy was supposed to be home from work before school let out and he isn't here. And we're at terror alert level orange! Orange!!
Jazmine, just because your dad is late coming home from work doesn't mean that...
(Phone rings)
(answers the phone) Hello?
TTom
(frantic) Riley. Is that you? Put your brother on, it's an emergency.
(slight pause, Riley starts to laugh)
Don't drop the soap. (hangs up)
(the phone rings, and he answers it again) Yeah?
I thought you only get one phone call from jail.
(Huey grabs the phone)
TTom
Huey! I got arrested! They say I fit the description. I think it's 'cause I'm black Huey! You have to get me out of here Huey. You don't wanna know what they'll do to me in jail.
They'll rape you, that's what they're gonna do. But you're not in jail, you're in holding, and I don't think people usually get raped in holding; hold on. (yelling) Granddad, do people get raped in holding?
(Jazmine starts to cry)
TTom
Stop stop stop! I don't want your granddad to know. I don't want anybody to know. Listen. They can't keep people in holding over the weekend. At nine o'clock tonight, they're going to put me on a bus and send me to real jail. REAL! JAIL! Earliest I can get out would be on Monday.
Well it's just the weekend.
TTom
IT ONLY TAKES ONE NIGHT TO GET ANALLY RAPED! Huey, the only way for me to get out of here is if you find the real killer tonight.
The real killer?! Nigga, I'm 10! How am I gonna find the real killer?
TTom
Please! You gotta try...
Alright alright alright. Damn.
TTom
Thank yooou Huuey. Whatever you do, don't tell my baby Jazmine. I don't want her to know her daddy was somebody's biiittcch! (he starts weeping)
Was that Daddy? Where is he? Is he okay? Was he kidnapped by terrorists?
Umm... your father wants you to know he's nobodys' bitch.
Tom is being interviewed by police, using the good-cop/bad-cop shtick.
WCWhite cop
YOU LIAR! (slaps Tom) You killed him, didn't ya, ya sick bastard?!
The white cop tries to slap Tom again, but his black colleague stops him.
BCBlack cop
Hey, hey, hey! That's enough, go cool off! Now!
The white cop leaves the room, but then comes back and slaps Tom several times.
BCBlack cop
(pushing the white cop out) Get your ass out, move!
The black cop and Tom are now alone. Tom is weeping.
TTom
Why are you doing this to me?
BCBlack cop
Y'know what this is, man? It's fuckin' racism, man. You were at the wrong place at the wrong time, and you just happened to fit the description. (pushes a pen and some forms towards Tom) Now, if you admit that you killed him...
TTom
(indignant) I didn't kill anyone!
BCBlack cop
Look, even if you didn't kill him, just admit that you killed him. I promise you you won't go to jail. Smack on the wrist. I promise.
TTom
Wait, stop. You can't be serious. I'm a prosecutor, I'm never gonna fall for this!
Cut to a clock. Ten minutes pass.
TTom
(crying) So you're saying that if I confess, I w-won't go to jail?
BCBlack cop
I give you my word.
BCBlack cop
No anal rape.
Tom is still crying, but now has a goofy smile on his face
OOfficer
It says, "Riley wuz here."
Well maybe it was another Riley.
OOfficer
You dropped these pictures (pictures show Riley posing in front of his graffiti), and, umm, you have paint all over your hands.
TTom
Riley, graffiti is a serious crime. Now as the assistant district attorney, I'd have to arrest you and send you to jail, and you wouldn't want that, would you?
(smirking) Nawwww, 'cause I remember when you got arrested that one time and you was cryin' 'cause you thought they were gonna rape you.
TTom
(interrupting) Well, I don't exactly remember it happening like that.
Yeah it did. The way you was talkin, they was fi'in to wear that ass out.
TTom
(interrupting) Okayyyyy... So we're all agreed that none of us want to go to jail.
And then there was somethin' about a salad, or somethin'?
TTom
(enthusiastically) Yes! Salads! For dinner! They make you eat vegetables every night and they're not... delicious... at all.
Uhhhh, is the cop here for me or Riley?
Your brother got caught spraying graffiti on... Wait, why would he be here for you?
Fine, I knew y'all was gonna find a way to blame me for this. Go ahead! Say hello to the bad guy! But a white man told me to do it.
TTom
Wait a minute, what white man? What did he look like?
White... I just assumed he was in charge.
OOfficer
And just what did this white man look like?
He had a... who do I look like, Snitchy McRat? I don't talk to police!
Boy, you better work your mouth!
If you gonna take me to jail then take me to jail! (he holds out his wrists)
(pondering) Let's see... I want a... umm...
(cut to female customer)
FCFemale customer
(speaking quickly) I'll take two small lemonades with ice, two small lemonades without ice, three large lemonades — one with ice, one with no ice, one with crushed ice...
(cut back to Granddad)
You guys have aaummmmmm... uh... hmmm...
(cut to Riley)
(slaps some change on the counter) That's all I got.
That's all I got! Make it work, I'm thirsty!
I ain't got no dollar! It's hot as hell out here, man, jus hook me up! All the money I spend up in this place? This some ol' bullshit!
Lemonade... is... a... DOLLAR!
(cut back to Granddad)
Hmm... Do you guys have anything other than lemonade?
(stares annoyingly at him)
(cut to Huey)
Jazmine, this is stupid. You're bein' exploited.
You'll never get anywhere in this world without doing a fair day's work for a fair day's pay.
Jazmine, Ed's never gonna give you that pony!
(cut to Tom)
TTom
Peaches, I think it's time you come inside.
Can't talk, Dad, makin' lemonade.
TTom
Come on, honey, I want you inside now.
ACAnnoyed customer one
I have been waiting twenty minutes for this lemonade.
ACAnnoyed customer two
I'm thirsty!
(approaching Tom) What's the problem?
TTom
Mr. Wuncler, ya know, yesterday I thought this was cute, but, don't you think you guys are taking this a little far?
Jazmine can leave whenever she wants, but Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony will have to be put down.
He's your pony now. Your percentage was supposed to pay for his food and upkeep. Now he'll starve to death in a puddle of his own feces.
TTom
(obligedly) Oh come on... Mr. Wuncler...
I don't wanna leave, Mr. Wuncler! Please, Daddy, don't make me leave!
(pulling Tom aside) There you have it. You know the name of the game; your daughter chose me. Now we can handle this like some gentlemen, or we can get into some old gangster shit.
TTom
(nervous, goes back to Jazmine) Okay, best of luck, honey! (he scurries away)
(smiling wickedly while playing video games) I say toss her groupie ass out the window and let that hoe star gaze from outside.
TTom
Now Riley, There's never a place for violence in a relationship.
(laughing) There just seemed to be a place at the restaurant last night! She made you look like a bitch in front of Usher!
(To the side) Probably started out charitable. She took you in and was probably teaching you how to read.
But granddad, she did made Mr. Dubois look like a bitch.
Yeah, we all know she made him look a bitch. But find a different way to say it.
Next thing you know you're rubbing against that silky white skin...
But I don't know the non-curse way to say he got "bitched"!
Humiliated, Castrated, Emasculated...
TTom
All right! I get the point.
I mean, I can see if was a real nigga. If you lost your hoe to T.I. I'd be like "Yo, that's T.I." But Usher?! (laughs) You better check that ho Mr. Dubois!
Hey Tom? Tom? Get down here.
TTom
(walks into living room) Uh, what's going on guys?
Uh, Mr. Dubois, My name is A Pimp Named Slickback, and this sir, is an intervention.
Your friends have reason to believe that you are suffering from chronic Bitch Dependency Mr. Dubois. May I call you Tom?
TTom
(looks around room) Is this some kind of joke?
Tom, Bitch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and scary enough, even you money. It's a disease Tom.
TTom
Wait, what did you say your name was, again?
Well thank you for asking, my name is A Pimp Named Slickback.
(interrupting) --Named Slickback, yes. Please say the whole thing, if you would. Yes, that includes the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes, Tom, every time.
TTom
Look Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback--
(interrupting again) --No need for the "Mister".
TTom
I-I don't think I need any help from (scoffs) someone like you.
And by (scoffs) 'someone like me', you mean a pimp, a bad guy?
TTom
Now look, I'm not trying to insult you, I just don't approve of what you people do to women.
(jeering) Ooooh! So I'm wrong! So I'm messed up! We'll which one of us is the one missing a bitch, Tom? You don't see me running around lookin' for a bitch! I know where all of my bitches are, thank you very much! (dials number) Bitch where you at?! (ho speaks) I'm out here, gettin' yo money! (Slickback retorts) That's what the hell I thought, thank you grandma! (to Tom) Now look at you! Bitchless! Sans bitch, as the French in France would say!
TTom
(visibly annoyed) I've had enough! I'm going back upstairs!
Tom! Tom, when we first let you stay here, we thought it was only gonna be temporary. But damn! Tom, I just don't see any end in sight!
TTom
It's only been two days--.
(interrupting) --Nigga, hush! You're living under my roof now. If you stay here, you're going to get some help.
TTom
You know what? I know a great therapist. I'll make an appointment today!
(slowly)That, also would have been a good idea but, we've already paid Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback a retainer of 2,500 dollars.
TTom
Robert, you shouldn't have.
WLMs. Wong’s Lawyer
So, Ms. Wong, there you were NOT carjacking Mr. Teskinelli, beating him senseless with a nine-iron, stealing his wallet--
(As the lawyer speaks, a flashback is shown of Ms. Wong dragging a man out of his car, assaulting him with a golf club, and taking his wallet, as she says...)
WMs. Wong
Grab your wallet, bitch!
WSMs. Wong's Lawyer
-- And driving his car into the hosiery section of the JCPenney?
(A car is seen flying and crashing into a storefront window. Two bystanders flee. End of flashback.)
WMs. Wong
Correct. (Ms. Wong gives a wink to her lawyer.)
WSMs. Wong's Lawyer
I have no further questions.
TTom
Now Ms. Wong, let me ask you a question. (Begins convulsing as Stinkmeaner's ghost begins to take possession.)
(Audience gasp in shock)
TTom
Gaaaah! (Covering his mouth with his hand) Oh my god.
JJudge
(glaring) Excuse me Mr. Dubois?
TTom
(chuckles nervously) I said um-- (Stinkmeaner gains possession once again)
(Audience laughs at Tom's retort)
JJudge
(glaring) Is there something 'really good' you'd like to share with the court Mr. Dubois?
(Courtroom gasps)
(jumping up and down on table) FUCK...YOUR...COURT...NYUKKAH!!!
(lays on back, kicking the table) FUCK...YOUR...COURT!
(Tom covers his mouth and runs out of the courtroom)
Lady Liberty's got balls!
(Tom runs in a panic to the nearest bathroom. he gasps in panic, looks at himself in the mirror, only to see Stinkmeaner's face.)
(Tom screams in horror and runs out of the bathroom.)
(Tom's face turns menacing, as he's possessed by Stinkmeaner)
OH YEAH!.. I think I wanna have sexual relations!
SSara
Tom, what's gotten into you?
Same thing that's about to get into you!
(Later, upstairs showing their bedroom window outside)
Oh Yeah!!! Imma make it do what it do!
(To Ruckus after finding out he is part-Scottish according to a DNA test)
TTom
I mean, why should Alex Haley be the only person to discover their roots, ya know? (laughs)
Uh, I'm sorry. Alex what?
TTom
Ya know, Alex Haley. Roots.
Roots? What is that some kinda gardening show?
TTom
You're joking, right? Roots, ya know Roots.
TTom
Roots, Roots, Roots! You never heard of Roots, the mini-series? (to Jazmine) Come here honey. (picks up Jazmine) Hold on. Aaaaaah. (holds up Jazmine to the sky) Roots!
I dunno nothin' bout' whatchu talkin' about.
When you go to prison, the most important thing in your life is gonna be booty. A man's butt.
IInmate
[From offscreen] Y'all better listen to him.
Booty, gettin' some booty, is more important than food. It's more important than drinkin' water. If I see a man I like, I tell him like this here. [Looks straight at Tom, the camera zooming in on him as eerie music plays] I likes ya.
Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. The choice is yours. What's it gonna be?
IInmate
WHATCHU WANT, TOM?!
I asked you a question, Tom.
IInmate
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, TOM!
[Tom is shaking and sweating by now, visibly nervous]
Ah-ah-ah! Excuse me, I didn't hear you, Tom!
TTom
I said I don't wanna answer- I don't wanna- I don't wanna do this anymore!
Sound to me like you want it the hard way!
The Boondocks · 205 quotes
