Interior scene, supermarket. Robert Freeman is browsing a shelf while grocery shopping.
My grandfather, Robert Jebediah Freeman, after a lifetime of odd adventures and strange mishaps, decided to spend his last days in the warm embrace of suburbia. So he moved to his perfect house in his prefect neighborhood. But he was still searching for his perfect woman. For what reason, I have no idea.
It's shown that Granddad is looking at male enhancement pills. His concentration is interrupted by a tantruming white child breaking something.
HHerbert
I WANT CANDY! Damn it, I hate you! You're ruining my life, bitch! CANDY! I want candy!
HSHerbert's Mom
[sheepishly trying to interrupt] Please, Herbert, remember our agreement. We have an agreement for how we behave in the store, Herbert!
Herbert smashes another full glass jar of jam on the ground.
HHerbert
Give me candy, give me candy! I! WANT! CANDYYYYYYY! I want candy and marshmallows! Give it to me, give it to me!
As this happens, various other customers in the store look on with expressions of concern, pity and annoyance.
HSHerbert's Mom
[sobbing] Herbert... Oh!
HHerbert
[continuing in background] And I want pasta, and none of that Chef Boyardee crap!
Hmm, he sure looks like a handful.
HSHerbert's Mom
When he gets like this, I just don't know how to make him stop.
HHerbert
I WANT CANDY AND MARSHMALLOWS! I want candy and marshmallows!
Herbert topples an entire shelf over, destroying several products.
Have you ever tried beatin' his ass?
Herbert is about to break a box of 32 eggs, but pauses when he notices Granddad remove his belt and give it to his mother. Tense music plays.
HHerbert
[softly] What's...with the belt?
Herbert looks on in fear. Granddad briefly demonstrates how to use the belt as a whip. Herbert tries to run, but his mother leaps after him and begins whipping the screaming Herbert offscreen. Granddad looks on with pride.
HSHerbert's Mom
The nerve! ...of you! ...in front of these people! YOU MUSTA LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND!
The other customers before are now looking on with expressions of approval and amusement.
HHerbert
[wailing] Mom, stop!
CristalNot many men would stop to help a women in need.
Well, uh... I guess I just hate to see a child go unbeaten.
Cristal
I'm Cristal, like the champagne.
Cristal
Hello, cutie.
Cristal
My name's Cristal, like the champagne.
Well, that sounds like a stripper name. Cristal, like the champagne, might you be a stripper?
Cristal
And just what do you know about strippers, little man?
Not much, but I do know they're usually named after liquor.
Cristal
I just love grocery stores in rich neighborhoods. Much better stuff. Check out this special French whipped cream. It's edible.
WCWoman Customer
$153, 12 cents is your total. Will this be cash or charge?
Cristal
(playing PS2 with Riley) What's up now?
Why you keep doin' the same move?
Cristal
Where yo game at? Where yo game at?
My 'X' button ain't workin.
Cristal
Whatever, nigga.
Hey, look! I'm pressin' it! You SEE me pressin' it! You cheat!
Cristal
Bitch, your game is garbage. (she jumps up in the air) I'm Cristal, bitch! Who's next?
Fake ass Mariah Carey! (he throws the controller and runs away crying)
Cristal
That's how nasty my game is, son. (to Huey) I send niggas runnin' away.
Cristal
What? A full day's supply of Vitamin C.
Granddad, that woman has got to go.
Miss Cristal is my beautiful baby boo, and you will show her some respect.
Granddad, we don't know anything about Ms. Cristal. I mean, we know she spends all your money, we know she eats more than a black hole...
WE KNOW SHE CHEAT AT PLAYSTATION!
But where does she live? What does she do for a living?
Okay, Cristal. We need to have a talk.
Cristal
Before you start, I just want to say how much fun it's been hanging out with you guys. Think of me as a big sister you always wanted.
Don't take this the wrong way, but... I need you get the hell up out of here.
Cristal
Any particular reason?
You're kind of a lazy ho?
Cristal
Yeah, I can see that.
I don't know why my granddad can't see.
Cristal
To be honest, me either. It's so obvious. But it's okay, because I'm in a transitional period...
[interrupting] Ah-ah-ah! I don't care. You gotta go.
Cristal
[takes out a cigarette and lights it] I can't do that.
Cristal
You guys have the life. And I want to have the life, too.
Yeah, but it's our life. We're his family.
Cristal
Oh, so now we get to what this is really about! I'm not one of y'all, I'm not in the family, I don't carry his genes... so, I have to go?
Uh, yeah. Plus, you're a lazy ho.
Cristal
"Ho" is a strong term. Right now, I'm somewhere between "anatomical sales associate" and "high maintenance girlfriend." Can't you be positive about my growth?
Cristal, every part of you bein' here is unacceptable. Do you realize I'm doing prostitute laundry? Do you have any idea HOW DISGUSTING THAT IS?!
Cristal
[puts out cigarette] Look, this is an adjustment for everyone. But it's what your grandfather wants. You can't get rid of me. I can do things to persuade your granddad that you can't do.
Like what? [thinks for a second] Never mind, I don't want to know.
(answering doorbell) It's a nigga in a purple suit!
(Cristal hides as Robert walks to the door)
My name is A Pimp Named Slickback, and I believe I may have misplaced some merchandise at this residence. There she is. (to Cristal) Bitch I hope you got the moneys to cover this little vacation you've been takin'.
No, that's "A Pimp Named Slickback."
That's what I said - "Slickback."
No no!, It's "A Pimp Named Slickback," like A Tribe Called Quest, you say the whole thing: "A Pimp Named Slickback"!
Can we call you "Slickback" for short?
No, nigga! I'm "A Pimp Named Slickback!"
Cristal, who is this person?
NIGGA ARE YOU DEAF? I'm "A Pimp Named Slickback"! Say it with me now!
Cristal
He's my pimp!
Y-y-your pimp? So you really are a, a-
CHCristal/Huey/Riley
Yes, I'm/she's a ho!
Cristal
A Pimp Named Slickback, can at least have a minute?
A minute?! (short chuckle in disbelief) Let us pray the pimp's prayer. (church organ playing) Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch and guide my pimp hand and make it strooong Lord! So that she might learn a ho's place. Amen!
(A Pimp Named Slickback then draws his hand back to strike her, but Granddad's belt lashes out and catches his wrist.)
You ain't gonna hit no woman in my house!
What woman, sir? This here's a ho!
Not in this house, she's not!
[A Pimp Named Slickback looks at Robert, surprised but impressed]
Damn! Indiana Jones. I didn't know we were still whoopin', nigga. Fine. [points to Cristal as he walks out] Bitch, you got 45 seconds, then I'm leavin'. [holds up a hand, counting off] Forty-four, forty-three...
The Boondocks · 205 quotes
