Possessed Tom quotes from The Boondocks

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PTPossessed Tom

All right here we go. (Chop Huey in the neck) Is that all you got? HAHAHAHA! (The Freemans is unconscious) GET DEM UP, GET YOUR BALLS UP, NIGGA!

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PTPossessed Tom

[while Riley, Grandad, and Ruckus are performing exorcism] Oh, this gonna be fun, this gonna be comical! Haha, you gonna tickle me with a belt? Come on, give it to me! You just tickling me! Hahaha! Imma' join in too! Imma' join in too! "Nigga! Get yo black ass out of there!". Aw, you niggas ain't shit! Your mothers ain't shit!

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Scenes with Possessed Tom 7

(Narrating) Some people are scared of zombies and vampires. But the thing that scare black people the most are niggas and nigga moments. Tom DuBois was as far from a nigga as a black man could be. But Stinkmeaner knew that every black man's spirit is weakened during a nigga moment.

(Tom waits patiently for a car to pull out of a parking spot. Before he can pull in, a Benz whips into the spot ahead of him.)

Tom Dubois

What the...? Oh, come on, you... you... ni...nincompoop! You can't do that! Hey!! Come on!

(Narrating) Nigga moments can happen to any black man at any time.

(The young black man gets out of the car, pointedly ignoring Tom. Tom gets out and follows him)

Tom Dubois

Hey!! That was my space! I had my blinker on and everything!

YBYoung Black Man

Fuck you, punk-ass, pussy-ass hook-ass, nigga! (Tom flinches) I'll beat your motherfuckin' sadiddy ass, nigga! Don't never in yo' LIFE ever try to holla at me, nigga! (starts to walk away) Fuck with me, nigga, and I'll pop da trunk on yo' bitch ass, nigga, get my motherfuckin' Uzi, nigga.

(Tom seethes, and starts to convulse as Stinkmeaner's spirit possesses him. Tom's face contorts evilly)

PTPossessed Tom

WHAT DID YOU SAY, NIGGA!?

(Young black man stops in his tracks, turns around and walks back towards Tom)

YBYoung Black Man

(annoyed) You know what, motherfucker? Eat a dick, nigga. I'm tired of this motherf--

(Possessed Tom jumps in the air and kicks the young black man squarely in the chest with both feet. The force sends the young black man flying through the air and lands hard on the concrete)

PTPossessed Tom

(in a maniacal froth, the young black man cowers in fear) OH YEAH! Look at ya! You was poppin' all that GOOD SHIT a second ago, then you got KICKED IN YO' CHEST! YOU EAT A DICK, NIGGA, YOU EAT A DICK!

(Tom's face reverses to his regular self, along with his persona)

Tom Dubois

Oh, my god! Sir, are you ok? Who did this to you? What did he look like? DID ANYONE SEE WHO ACCOSTED THIS MAN?

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WLMs. Wong’s Lawyer

So, Ms. Wong, there you were NOT carjacking Mr. Teskinelli, beating him senseless with a nine-iron, stealing his wallet--

(As the lawyer speaks, a flashback is shown of Ms. Wong dragging a man out of his car, assaulting him with a golf club, and taking his wallet, as she says...)

WMs. Wong

Grab your wallet, bitch!

WSMs. Wong's Lawyer

-- And driving his car into the hosiery section of the JCPenney?

(A car is seen flying and crashing into a storefront window. Two bystanders flee. End of flashback.)

WMs. Wong

Correct. (Ms. Wong gives a wink to her lawyer.)

WSMs. Wong's Lawyer

I have no further questions.

TTom

Now Ms. Wong, let me ask you a question. (Begins convulsing as Stinkmeaner's ghost begins to take possession.)

PTPossessed Tom

What's good NYUKAAA?!

(Audience gasp in shock)

TTom

Gaaaah! (Covering his mouth with his hand) Oh my god.

JJudge

(glaring) Excuse me Mr. Dubois?

TTom

(chuckles nervously) I said um-- (Stinkmeaner gains possession once again)

PTPossessed Tom

What's really good?!

(Audience laughs at Tom's retort)

JJudge

(glaring) Is there something 'really good' you'd like to share with the court Mr. Dubois?

PTPossessed Tom

FUCK YOUR COURT, NIGGAH!

(Courtroom gasps)

JJudge

Mr. Dubois!

PTPossessed Tom

(jumping up and down on table) FUCK...YOUR...COURT...NYUKKAH!!!

(lays on back, kicking the table) FUCK...YOUR...COURT!

(Tom covers his mouth and runs out of the courtroom)

PTPossessed Tom

Lady Liberty's got balls!

(Tom runs in a panic to the nearest bathroom. he gasps in panic, looks at himself in the mirror, only to see Stinkmeaner's face.)

CSColonel Stinkmeaner

What's good, NIGGAAA?!

(Tom screams in horror and runs out of the bathroom.)

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TTom

Honey, I'm home.

SSara

Hey honey!

(Tom's face turns menacing, as he's possessed by Stinkmeaner)

PTPossessed Tom

OH YEAH!.. I think I wanna have sexual relations!

SSara

Tom, what's gotten into you?

PTPossessed Tom

Same thing that's about to get into you!

(Later, upstairs showing their bedroom window outside)

SSara

Oh, Tom!

PTPossessed Tom

Oh Yeah!!! Imma make it do what it do!

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(typing) Well, I'm in the studio with Snoop Doggy Dogg and Tha Pound tonight but how 'bout tomorrow cutie pie?

(Possessed Tom chopping a hole in the bathroom door)

Aaah! What the?! Who's out there?! Boys! Boys! Help me!

PTPossessed Tom

I'M BAAAAAAACK, NYUGGAAAAA! HAHAHAHAHA!

OH, WHAT THE HELL?! OH LORDY LORD, LORDY LORD! AHHHHHHHHHH!

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What the fuck is wrong with you!? Tom! Oh lordy Lord! What the hell! Tom! What’s going on? Tom! Go away! I'm gonna call the police!

PTPossessed Tom

I'm gone get that old ass!

(In Huey and Riley's bedroom)

Did you hear that?

Man I can't hear nothin over granddad's gay ass music, look out, new message aww man its a old dude with his shirt off wait! That's granddad ewww, he in the bathroom, probably just ran out of toilet paper again and I ain't getting it for him neither, nope.

Why would he send a message from...

Hey

WHAT THE HELL! Tom! hats goin on! oh my goodness! Tom! What's goin here!? Oh help me son! Help me!

C'mon!

(Granddad narrowly escaping from Possessed Tom while stumbling in his speedo)

Oh my goodness! Some black people are crazy!

PTPossessed Tom

Oh yeah, Here comes the Pain (Throw a axe at Granddad but fall down the stairs before being sliced)

Goodness gracious! The life! (Pull up his speedo) Tom, what's wrong with you? You on that stuff? Snap out of it, Tom. Cocaine is a hell of a drug!

PTPossessed Tom

You don't remember ME? You don't remember my name?! (He then proceeds to punch Granddad in the face.)

PTPossessed Tom

What's my name, nyugga? (Tom does a low spin kick to Granddad's face.)

AAAAH!

PTPossessed Tom

"AAAAH" ain't my name. My mama didn't name me "AAAAH". What's my name, nyugga?! WHAT'S MY NAME?!

Stinkmeaner!

PTPossessed Tom

DING-DING-DING-DING! THAT'S RIGHT, NYUGGA!

Mr. Dubois...?

I don't know how you got here, Stinkmeaner, but you're going back to Hell!

PTPossessed Tom

Oh yeah! I'm goin’ back, and I'm takin' ya’ll with me in the first-class cabin on the Ass-Whuppin' Express! All aboard! WHOO WHOO!

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PTPossessed Tom

Robert Freeman! You up there, you bitch nigga! Where are you Robert?

GSGranddad's Date

With all of the woman in my culture...

PTPossessed Tom

Come here and fight like a man, you fat-ass nigga!

GSGranddad's Date

Who's that?

Uh, nothing!

PTPossessed Tom

(muffled) I know you can hear me, Robert! I know you hear me! I will not be ignored! I'm right up here!

Ain't this a bitch? Got a possessed nigga up here, and Granddad's worried about his date!

PTPossessed Tom

(breaks free from the handcuff on his right arm) Ah-hah! Get off me! You've got a date Robert? Did you tell her you have two sets of genitals! A vagina and a coochie! Oh, that's a conjunction! A vagina and a coochie!

GSGranddad's Date

What is going on?

Oh, th-that? that's just the television. Eh, boys, turn the television down!

PTPossessed Tom

This ain't no TV show, nigga! This is real talk, nigga!

GSGranddad's Date

Uhh! My friends warned me that there were weirdoes on MySpace!

Wait! No! That's just the TV!

GSGranddad's Date

It's not the fact that you obviously have a man possessed by an evil spirit, strapped to a bed upstairs!

It's not?

GSGranddad's Date

No. It's the fact that you lied about it!

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May white god bless you Robert, I came as fast I could.

So this is the plan, Uncle Ruckus.

Let's get this party started.

PTPossessed Tom

Oh Yeah! You got bad credit, Robert!

Removing a evil nigga spirits from a negro is harder then removing stank from a huck of shit. We must use these tools that the Great God gave us to fight niggas; a whip, a noose, a nightstick, a branding iron! These things strike fear into a nigga's heart. A job application! Avoid conversation with the nigga. The nigga will lie. The nigga will excuse. He will use words that he don't know, if he get desperate he may started to rap or dance.

PTPossessed Tom

You all... testicle, and no shaft. What happen to your shaft, Robert!

Oh yeah. There powerful evil niggatry at work here.

PTPossessed Tom

HAHAHAHA!!!

(Ruckus open and enter Huey and Riley room along with the Freemans)

PTPossessed Tom

Who in the hell are you?

Nigga, My name is Reverend Father Uncle Ruckus [No relation]. And the name White Jesus and all the great white man who have come here after. I command the black nigga soul back from the death of hell.

PTPossessed Tom

(laughing) Is that all you got, nigga?

Oh, no, nigga. That's just the tip of this iceberg. (opens the Bible and shoves it in Possessed Tom's face) Read, nigga, read!!!

PTPossessed Tom

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (bed begins to levitate)