Riley Freeman quotes from The Boondocks

Riley

Dang, Grandad, you didn't have to kill him!

Riley

Dear Santa, you are a bitch nigga. Wait, hol'up, hol'up, hol'up. Dear Santa, you are a bitch ass nigga. I heard the mall is hiring extra security to protect you. That's a bitch move, Santa! I'm coming for that ass again until you pay what you owe! Sincerely yours, the Santa Stalker.

Riley Freeman

Yo momma got caught givin’ up neck in the bathroom at the Woodcrest Country Club and it wasn't yo daddy.

Riley

Bitch, this all you got?!! Three dollars and a prepaid cellphone with only two fucking minutes left on it?!!

Riley

(after being thrown in closet) I'm closet-phobic!

Riley

Where y'all goin?! Y'all aint give me a chance to tell y'all my story! Y'all aint heard my Catcher Freeman story yet! My Catcher Freeman story better than all o' y'all! See my Catcher Freeman wurrn't no slave; he was like "fuck that shit, I'm a real nigga" y'know what sayin'! Plus he had 300 hoes and didn't just have no Thelma, he had all kinds of bitchez! And he rode a Bentley Coupe with twenty-fours and guns on the rims nigga what!

Riley

(gesturing effeminately) I'm the most not-gay nigga of the not-gay niggas of the whole universe!

Riley

My nigga, I watch BET everyday, feel me? Ain't nuttin' wrong wit' me, feel me? Nigga you just hatin', feel me? That's why you ain't never gonna have no paper, ain't never gonna have no bitches, feel me?

Riley

(voice over) You wanna be in this business, you got to pay the cost of doing business. And when the cost get too high, you get out of business.

Riley

Look, fuck you, fuck the plane you flew in on, fuck them shoes, fuck those socks with the belt on it, fuck your gay-ass fairy faggot accent, fuck them cheap-ass cigars, fuck your yuck-mouth teeth, fuck your hairpiece, fuck your chocolate, fuck Guy Ritchie, fuck Prince William, fuck the Queen. This is America. My president is black and my Lambo is blue, nigga. Now, get the fuck out my hotel room. And if I see you in the street, I'm slapping the shit out of you.

Riley

Nigga you gay.

(To Wuncler III) Uh, so I understand you just got back from Iraq?

Riley

For real? Yo, what's it like?

Wuncler III

What's it like?! What am I supposed to say to that? It was cool, there was bitches. Okay they was bitches but a lot of them had, ya know, they was cova'ed up in them curtains and stuff they be wearin'. But, I digress. It was WAR. It was war, basically. War, you know what that's like? Motherfuckers be like shooting (imitating a machine gun) Gah-geh-ga-ga-ge-gu-ga-gow! Bombs blowin' up. An' ya know, the shit scared me. It scared the shit outta me. Matter o' fact, I shit on myself over a dozen times. And ran out of toilet paper after the second time. So you know what that meant, right? I had to use the thumb, man, it was kinda nasty. But ya know, the good thing about it was they stopped taking me out on patrol cause my name became "Stink Bomb," you know wha' I'm saying? They said I was giving away our position, because of the shit smell. That was fine with me, know wha' I'm saying? They wanted to leave me back? And I was like, "Well fuck y'all. Y'all go ahead long, cause I don't need y'all anyway. I'm rich, bitch." (notices everyone is staring blankly at him) The fuck y'all looking at?

[about the R. Kelly sex tape] Riley, it was a little girl!

Riley

Oh, I saw that girl. She ain't little. I'm little.

Yes.

Riley

Gary Coleman's little.

Yes.

Riley

Mini-Me is little.

Very.

Riley

And to the best of my knowledge, we all managed to avoid gettin' peed on so far.

But what about the victim?

Riley

Oh, yes, the victim. At what point does personal responsibility become a factor in this equation?

I don't think that--

Riley

I see piss comin', I move.

Mm.

Riley

She saw piss comin', she stayed.

Yes, she did, but--

Riley

And why should I miss out on the next R. Kelly album just for that? [walks away]

Man, you just got beat by an eight-year old.

Riley

[from afar] And, if R. Kelly goes to jail, I'll piss on yo' cat!

Granddad, have you asked yourself why a 20-year-old girl would want to go out with a man your age?

Because I laid my game down quite flat.

Riley

Game? What you know about the game Granddad?

I know the game.

Riley

Takin' women out to eat? Givin' 'em free meals? What part of the game is that? You takin' her to Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits. The fam ain't eatin' cheddar biscuits, but this random broad is eatin' cheddar biscuits.

(turns away from the mirror) I know the game. Your grandaddy knows the game.

Riley

Game recognize game, Granddad.

(gets in Riley's face) I recognize game. Your granddaddy recognize game.

Riley

Game recognize game, and you lookin' kinda unfamiliar right now. I... I can't... where's Granddad? Can I help you sir?

(stares at Riley for a while) I ain't got time to mess around with y'all. I gotta date. Get out the way. (he walks off screen)

Riley

(follows him off screen) Don't do it Granddad! Don't feed her!

(O.S.) Come on, now, stop. Get off my leg.

Riley

(weeping O.S.) Don't feed her the cheddar biscuits! Noooo!

(O.S.) Don't try to hold me back. What the hell? Get off me, boy. What's wrong with you?

Cristal

(playing PS2 with Riley) What's up now?

Riley

Why you keep doin' the same move?

Cristal

Where yo game at? Where yo game at?

Riley

My 'X' button ain't workin.

Cristal

Whatever, nigga.

Riley

Hey, look! I'm pressin' it! You SEE me pressin' it! You cheat!

Cristal

Bitch, your game is garbage. (she jumps up in the air) I'm Cristal, bitch! Who's next?

Riley

Fake ass Mariah Carey! (he throws the controller and runs away crying)

Cristal

That's how nasty my game is, son. (to Huey) I send niggas runnin' away.

(stares at her)

Cristal

What? A full day's supply of Vitamin C.

Granddad, that woman has got to go.

Miss Cristal is my beautiful baby boo, and you will show her some respect.

Granddad, we don't know anything about Ms. Cristal. I mean, we know she spends all your money, we know she eats more than a black hole...

Riley

WE KNOW SHE CHEAT AT PLAYSTATION!

But where does she live? What does she do for a living?

She's in sales.

Riley

Pff... Ho sales...

What?!