Do you believe in God, Huey? I believe in God.
Riley(interrupting) First of all, I'm gonna live forever, but if I do die I'm gonna smack God upside the head and go tell him to get me a grilled cheese sandwich and some tacos...
(to Huey) When I want something, or I'm afraid about something, I pray. Have you ever prayed?
Riley
(interrupting) ...And I dare God to say something. I be like, "Say somethin' God! Say somethin'! Yea I thought so..."
(to Huey) You should pray for Shabazz — God'll get him out of jail. They have to listen to Him... He's God.
Riley
(continuing)...And if God say somethin' I be like this. (he makes punching motions) Take that God. (Huey shakes his head) I be beatin' God's jaw like blikaa, blaa.
(leaving Huey and Jazmine at the movie theater after watching Soul Plane 2)
Riley
Heh, heh. That was great, Granddad. Boy I wish we could've seen the end of that movie.
I don't know. I feel bad for leaving Huey and what's-her-name.
Riley
They knew the risks, so they might do a little time. We'll see them when they get out.
Ahhh, it doesn't seem right. I'm going back and turning myself in.
Riley
Turn yourself?--man--Granddad, look, come on. I mean, I love Huey. almost like a brother, but what's done is done. We've got to let go of the past! If he don't come back, can I have his side of the room?
(Granddad walks away)
Riley
Ah, come on, Granddad! You supposed to be setting a better example!
Riley
(smiling wickedly while playing video games) I say toss her groupie ass out the window and let that hoe star gaze from outside.
Now Riley, There's never a place for violence in a relationship.
Riley
(laughing) There just seemed to be a place at the restaurant last night! She made you look like a bitch in front of Usher!
(To the side) Probably started out charitable. She took you in and was probably teaching you how to read.
Riley
But granddad, she did made Mr. Dubois look like a bitch.
Yeah, we all know she made him look a bitch. But find a different way to say it.
Next thing you know you're rubbing against that silky white skin...
Riley
But I don't know the non-curse way to say he got "bitched"!
Humiliated, Castrated, Emasculated...
All right! I get the point.
Riley
I mean, I can see if was a real nigga. If you lost your hoe to T.I. I'd be like "Yo, that's T.I." But Usher?! (laughs) You better check that ho Mr. Dubois!
*After Huey helped him to get on Myspace* So she's on my friends list?
Riley
Yep, she's your very first cyber friend, and your her 3,000,000th
Yaaaa boy, I love technology!
(narrating) My granddad had recently discovered online dating
Riley
You should post more pics, ho's love pictures Grandad
I'm starting to feel like Shamar Moore up in here, Hoo! Boy lets get some music on, turn on the Mypod lets get on the ISpace
(We then see clips of Grandpa taking pictures of himself in various poses)
Riley
What outfit you want next Grandad?
The leather vest, the one with the rhinestones (Huey walks in)
Grandad, I.... (stopped because of the shock of seeing his grandad taking a picture of his butt) I can come back
Boy, get over here and take this picture, now whats wrong with you? why the long face?
I had a bad dream about....
Talk and shoot at the same time boy. (Riley walks in carrying two Michael Jackson jackets)
Riley
Grandad! you want "Beat It" or "Thriller"?
Hmmmm, that's a tough one, take them back, go get my purple speedo
Riley
Purple speedo? that's gay
All right boy, so you had a bad dream
It was a really bad dream about...
Riley
(In the closet) I don't see the purple one
Did you check the speedo drawer? Go ahead boy, bad dream and....?
It was about Stinkmeaner (Riley returns with a leopard-print speedo)
Riley
Leopard-print's all I could find
Aww man (changes underwear in front of Huey and Riley, who runs out of the room throwing up) damn these things are tight, what about Stinkmeaner?
He was in hell, and he was coming back to get us
Stinkmeaner? don't be crazy
Riley
Stinkmeaner? you mean that old man Granddad killed for no reason?
No reason? that man was a psycho, he almost killed your grandaddy
Riley
He was blind, you killed a blind old man
Col. Stinkmeaner was a menace, and i sent him to hell where he belongs
Riley
(Chuckles) Yeah, Grandad real tough with the handicap, he probably gonna beat up some retarded kids next.
Yeah, this retarded man is gone whoop your little ass that's what he's gonna do... wait...you know what I meant..what were we talkin about? Ohh yeah your dream, look boy, Stinkmeaner aint comin back, he cant hurt you, me, or any of us ok...now lets get one more picture.
What the fuck is wrong with you!? Tom! Oh lordy Lord! What the hell! Tom! What’s going on? Tom! Go away! I'm gonna call the police!
I'm gone get that old ass!
(In Huey and Riley's bedroom)
Riley
Man I can't hear nothin over granddad's gay ass music, look out, new message aww man its a old dude with his shirt off wait! That's granddad ewww, he in the bathroom, probably just ran out of toilet paper again and I ain't getting it for him neither, nope.
Why would he send a message from...
Riley
Hey
WHAT THE HELL! Tom! hats goin on! oh my goodness! Tom! What's goin here!? Oh help me son! Help me!
(Granddad narrowly escaping from Possessed Tom while stumbling in his speedo)
Oh my goodness! Some black people are crazy!
Oh yeah, Here comes the Pain (Throw a axe at Granddad but fall down the stairs before being sliced)
Goodness gracious! The life! (Pull up his speedo) Tom, what's wrong with you? You on that stuff? Snap out of it, Tom. Cocaine is a hell of a drug!
You don't remember ME? You don't remember my name?! (He then proceeds to punch Granddad in the face.)
What's my name, nyugga? (Tom does a low spin kick to Granddad's face.)
"AAAAH" ain't my name. My mama didn't name me "AAAAH". What's my name, nyugga?! WHAT'S MY NAME?!
DING-DING-DING-DING! THAT'S RIGHT, NYUGGA!
Riley
Mr. Dubois...?
I don't know how you got here, Stinkmeaner, but you're going back to Hell!
Oh yeah! I'm goin’ back, and I'm takin' ya’ll with me in the first-class cabin on the Ass-Whuppin' Express! All aboard! WHOO WHOO!
Robert Freeman! You up there, you bitch nigga! Where are you Robert?
GSGranddad's Date
With all of the woman in my culture...
Come here and fight like a man, you fat-ass nigga!
GSGranddad's Date
Who's that?
(muffled) I know you can hear me, Robert! I know you hear me! I will not be ignored! I'm right up here!
Riley
Ain't this a bitch? Got a possessed nigga up here, and Granddad's worried about his date!
(breaks free from the handcuff on his right arm) Ah-hah! Get off me! You've got a date Robert? Did you tell her you have two sets of genitals! A vagina and a coochie! Oh, that's a conjunction! A vagina and a coochie!
GSGranddad's Date
What is going on?
Oh, th-that? that's just the television. Eh, boys, turn the television down!
This ain't no TV show, nigga! This is real talk, nigga!
GSGranddad's Date
Uhh! My friends warned me that there were weirdoes on MySpace!
Wait! No! That's just the TV!
GSGranddad's Date
It's not the fact that you obviously have a man possessed by an evil spirit, strapped to a bed upstairs!
GSGranddad's Date
No. It's the fact that you lied about it!
LLuna
(About the Kumite, a martial arts tournament) Good times. Yeah, good times.
The Kumite (martial arts noise) is supposed to be death match, right?
Riley
You ever kill anybody?
LLuna
Hey, everybody has to die sometime.
(Luna eats her meal, while a flashback continues again)
(In the flashback, Luna is dominating the fight against her opponent)
(Luna rips out the oversized heart of her huge opponent at a fighting tournament)
AAnnouncer
(his announcement displayed onscreen as he says it) LUNA WINS...FATALITY!
(Flashback ends)
LLuna
I mean I'm like, you kill one man, you kill a dozen. It's all the the same. I mean they can only hang ya once, right? (laughs) Am I right or am I right? (laughs) C'mon now, you're leaving me hanging!
(Huey, Riley and Granddad stare at Luna, obviously terrified)
GHGranddad, Huey and Riley
WE HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
(quietly) *Gasps* Move it! Move it! Move! Move! Hurry! Get on! Hurry Up!
(Luna looks surprised at their sudden departure)
(Huey, Riley, and Granddad retreat to the bathroom)
Riley
Thanks for inviting a killer kung-fu wolf bitch to the crib, Granddad!
You think I knew she was a killer kung-fu wolf bitch!? She didn't say nothing about no damn Kumitie, Kumitoo, Kumite (kung-fu noise) Koom, black coon, now y'all just hush! And try to figure out what we gon' do. Huey, what we gon' do?
You gon' tell her to get the hell out!
I'm not gonna tell her to leave! She might hit me with one of them exploding nutsack techniques!
Oh, come on, Grandad. She's not a kung fu master, she's crazy!
Shit! Then you go kick her ass out!
But this is your respondiblity!
Hey, I'm willing to say in the bathroom all night!
Riley
(narrating) Since I woke up, I knew who took my chain: Butch Magnus Milosevich.
TTeen
Crazy Butch Magnus? Something is really wrong with that kid.
OWOld Woman
The most fucked-up child I've ever seen in my life. My long-ass, sorry, mothafuckin', goddamn life!
WWoman
Butch Magnus? Awful, terrible human. Makes me sick just to think of him! I'm gonna vomit now.
Riley
(narrating) Otherwise known as "One-Punch Butch". He like to jack you first and ask you for your shit all after the fact.
(punches a kid and takes his sandwich) What kind of sandwich is this? (punches a kid and takes his iPod) What are you listening to? (punches a kid off his bike and rides off with it like Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas) Let me ride your bike real quick, bitch!
Riley
(narrating) Last year, Butch was expelled from the Jesus, Mary and Joseph Academy For Boys for assaulting a nun.
(takes the paddle) Gimme dis shit!
Riley
(narrating) He even made it on one of those Maury Povich episodes where they send the kids to Boot Camp.
(Butch is sitting on stage casually, next to a security guard. An imposing drill instructor marches onto the set and starts yelling in Butch's face like Major Payne)
DIDrill Instructor
YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU LITTLE FAT TURD, I'M NOT YO MOMMA AND I'M NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH THIS MO--
(Butch smiles and headbutts the D.O. viciously, breaking his nose.)
DIDrill Instructor
AAUUUGHHHH!! (collapses as blood gushes from his nose)
(The security guard tries to restrain Butch, only to be clobbered by a chair. Butch then smashes the chair on the terrified Drill Instructor.)
Riley
HEY! "Bitch" Magnus!
Riley
I call you a bitch, cuz you a bitch! What, you thought I wasn't gonna come see you? You thought you wasn't gonna get the taste smacked out of your mouth for trying to jack Young Reezy? You better fall back, nigga!
You can't beat me! I'm Butch Magnus! AAARRRGGGHHH!
Riley
You do real good when you come outta nowhere and sucker punch a nigga. Why don't you fight a nigga straight up?
(Butch stalks up to Riley... the monstrous bully literally blocks out the sunlight as he towers above Riley. Riley stands his ground but looks just a little worried.)
The Boondocks · 205 quotes
