Grandad quotes from The Boondocks

(to Riley) I'm gonna take me a nap, gonna drink me a Red Bull, then I'm wake up and beat you until you decide to talk!

(to Riley from upstairs; off-screen) Shut the hell up before I come down there and beat you 'til you pee on yourself again!

(To Wuncler III) Uh, so I understand you just got back from Iraq?

Riley

For real? Yo, what's it like?

Wuncler III

What's it like?! What am I supposed to say to that? It was cool, there was bitches. Okay they was bitches but a lot of them had, ya know, they was cova'ed up in them curtains and stuff they be wearin'. But, I digress. It was WAR. It was war, basically. War, you know what that's like? Motherfuckers be like shooting (imitating a machine gun) Gah-geh-ga-ga-ge-gu-ga-gow! Bombs blowin' up. An' ya know, the shit scared me. It scared the shit outta me. Matter o' fact, I shit on myself over a dozen times. And ran out of toilet paper after the second time. So you know what that meant, right? I had to use the thumb, man, it was kinda nasty. But ya know, the good thing about it was they stopped taking me out on patrol cause my name became "Stink Bomb," you know wha' I'm saying? They said I was giving away our position, because of the shit smell. That was fine with me, know wha' I'm saying? They wanted to leave me back? And I was like, "Well fuck y'all. Y'all go ahead long, cause I don't need y'all anyway. I'm rich, bitch." (notices everyone is staring blankly at him) The fuck y'all looking at?

Riley, who did this?

Riley

(No response)

Dammit! Hurry up, boy! Tell us who did it! Now you gonna tell me who stole my car or I'm gonna get my belt or a 2 by 4 and go upside your head!

*After Huey helped him to get on Myspace* So she's on my friends list?

Riley

Yep, she's your very first cyber friend, and your her 3,000,000th

Yaaaa boy, I love technology!

(narrating) My granddad had recently discovered online dating

Riley

You should post more pics, ho's love pictures Grandad

I'm starting to feel like Shamar Moore up in here, Hoo! Boy lets get some music on, turn on the Mypod lets get on the ISpace

Riley

What outfit you want next Grandad?

The leather vest, the one with the rhinestones (Huey walks in)

Grandad, I.... (stopped because of the shock of seeing his grandad taking a picture of his butt) I can come back

Boy, get over here and take this picture, now whats wrong with you? why the long face?

I had a bad dream about....

Talk and shoot at the same time boy. (Riley walks in carrying two Michael Jackson jackets)

Riley

Grandad! you want "Beat It" or "Thriller"?

Hmmmm, that's a tough one, take them back, go get my purple speedo

Riley

Purple speedo? that's gay

All right boy, so you had a bad dream

It was a really bad dream about...

Riley

(In the closet) I don't see the purple one

Did you check the speedo drawer? Go ahead boy, bad dream and....?

It was about Stinkmeaner (Riley returns with a leopard-print speedo)

Riley

Leopard-print's all I could find

Aww man (changes underwear in front of Huey and Riley, who runs out of the room throwing up) damn these things are tight, what about Stinkmeaner?

He was in hell, and he was coming back to get us

Stinkmeaner? don't be crazy

Riley

Stinkmeaner? you mean that old man Granddad killed for no reason?

No reason? that man was a psycho, he almost killed your grandaddy

Riley

He was blind, you killed a blind old man

Col. Stinkmeaner was a menace, and i sent him to hell where he belongs

Riley

(Chuckles) Yeah, Grandad real tough with the handicap, he probably gonna beat up some retarded kids next.

Yeah, this retarded man is gone whoop your little ass that's what he's gonna do... wait...you know what I meant..what were we talkin about? Ohh yeah your dream, look boy, Stinkmeaner aint comin back, he cant hurt you, me, or any of us ok...now lets get one more picture.

(While looking at his Myspace page) I got a date? I can't believe it!

Riley

Of course you got a date, Grandad! Everything on your page is a lie!

NO IT IS NOT!

Riley

Grandad you don't skydive, you not Brazilian, and you never was a member of G-Unit-

Mind your damn business!

Riley

-And she probably a man!

SHUT UP!

Meanwhile , I couldn't shake the feeling that an evil force was gathering. (Huey then sees brief flashes of Stinkmeaner training in hell, and being sent back to Earth.) I must be crazy.

(Ghostface Killah's apparent Force Ghost appears to Huey) Nah, you ain't crazy. Stinkmeaner's comin' back.

But Stinkmeaner died.

What you gonna tell me, ghosts don't exist? Then what the fuck do I look like to you?

Ghostface Killah isn't even dead.

Now, you say what you want, that old crazy goofy-lookin' mothafucka is comin' back. Your granddad's nigga moment ain't dead yet.

Then what am I supposed to do? If death can't stop Stinkmeaner, what can?

Think about it. Peace. (Ghostface Killah's Force Ghost then leaves Huey.)

(humming)

Look, granddad I'm really worried about Tom.

Watch it boy, don't step on my roses!

Then why are you putting them on the floor...? But, anyway, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I really think Stinkmeaner is...

Oh hush boy, I ain't got time for that, now it's DATE NIGHT and you know the rules, now you get in that room I don't care if u hear a scream and hear the house shake like an earthquake, YOU DON'T LEAVE...! Now get!

(During a blind date who's catfished him with a phoney picture of her appearance and is eating messily) You know what? I've had it. This sucks!

What's wrong with you?

You know what's wrong with me! When was this picture taken? 1964?

You saying I don't look like my picture?

I'm saying you probably never looked like this damn picture! This ain't you!

So is that all you care about is looks?

YEEEEEESS!

Well excuse me for thinking you liked me for who I was on the inside!

Well you're a liar on the inside! This whole relationship is based on a lie! AN UGLY LIIIEEEEE!!! Why in the hell does this keep happening to me, God? What did I do to deserve this? This is payback for what? What did I do to you? Tell me!

Maybe I should leave. Nigga, you ain't no Denzel. Hell, you ain't even no Flava Flav.

Time after time after time. There ought to be a law, lock em up, charge em with fraud, I'd be snitchin' on ugly women all day, I should give em the chair, electrify their ugly asses, dry pool that switch quick!

(About the Kumite, a martial arts tournament) Good times. Yeah, good times.

The Kumite (martial arts noise) is supposed to be death match, right?

Riley

You ever kill anybody?

Hey, everybody has to die sometime.

FINISH HIM!

(his announcement displayed onscreen as he says it) LUNA WINS...FATALITY!

I mean I'm like, you kill one man, you kill a dozen. It's all the the same. I mean they can only hang ya once, right? (laughs) Am I right or am I right? (laughs) C'mon now, you're leaving me hanging!

WE HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

(quietly) *Gasps* Move it! Move it! Move! Move! Hurry! Get on! Hurry Up!

Riley

Thanks for inviting a killer kung-fu wolf bitch to the crib, Granddad!

You think I knew she was a killer kung-fu wolf bitch!? She didn't say nothing about no damn Kumitie, Kumitoo, Kumite (kung-fu noise) Koom, black coon, now y'all just hush! And try to figure out what we gon' do. Huey, what we gon' do?

You gon' tell her to get the hell out!

I'm not gonna tell her to leave! She might hit me with one of them exploding nutsack techniques!

Oh, come on, Grandad. She's not a kung fu master, she's crazy!

Shit! Then you go kick her ass out!

But this is your respondiblity!

Hey, I'm willing to say in the bathroom all night!

Yep.

Riley

And I was his biggest fan. That makes me gay, don't it?

(pauses briefly, taking the cheap shot) ...Yep.

(to himself, quietly) I know it's wrong. But I really want my own room.

Take it easy on him, Grandad. He's just -- tryin to come to terms with it.

Riley

(pitifully) Grandad... I think I might be....

It's OK, son. I know.

Riley

...I might be.... (breaks into sobs)

It's OK, it's OK. Oh. You're a gay! Boy! How did that be, how did that happen....

That bullshit-ass toilet you bought just broke!

You mean it won't flush?

Did I say it won't flush? The hands-free cleaning system won't work! I told you to get the Tushioki 2200 series. You got the 1100 series, and the 1100 series is some bullshit!

Well, they didn't have the 2200 series.

That's your problem. You'd better have a replacement before I have to take a shit again.

Well, what if I can't get the replacement in time?

Hey, I don't care if you wipe it, but Bushido Brown don't wipe his own ass.

(shocked, speechless) Nigga, did you just tell me to wipe your ass?

That's it! You fired!

(shocked) You firing Bushido Brown?

You heard me! You and all these raggedy motherfuckers you brought with you get the fuck on! I'm sick of this shit.

Now you do understand there's no refunds for early termination on our agreement.

Whatever, nigga. Beat it.

(running after Bushido Brown) Wait! I changed my mind!

Too late, old man. Too. Late. Now if you want to hire me again, I might be available.

Okay, fine.

For double the fee.

Double the fee?! But I've already paid you!

Hey! This ain't a negotiation. Take it or leave it.

If I was you, I'd take it.

(annoyed) Okay, fine, dammit.

Ah-ha yes! The Legendary Bushido Brown, the greatest black karate man that ever lived.

That Grandmaster Bushido Brown!

Of course it is.

Lady Esmeralda

Come on, Boy! Come on! I ain't scare of you!

Riley

You killed him.

He deserved to die.

[looks down from the roof and gasps] He's... gone. [turns to the right and notices Lamilton limping away, still alive] No, wait. He's right there.

He's still alive?! [Lamilton turns around and glares at him] No! No! [jumps off the roof] Aah! [lands on Lamilton as Grandad and Riley, but Huey look away and see Doomis grabbing Lamilton while he tries to escape] You're the spawn of Satan! I must destroy you!

[punches him in the face, releasing him] Get off me! [Doomis grabs him and pins him down] Somebody call my grandmother! You're not supposed to be within 100 yards!

Well, that's that. Let's go home. [He, Huey, and Riley leave the roof]

[to Riley] Yo, man. You got a cigarette?