Two weeks ago I was an astronaut.
Well, today you're a Smurf! Keep walking!
S6 E5The Holographic Excitation
S6 E6The Extract Obliteration
Play, play, play!
What are you doing?
Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Ugh, he must be wearing a tin foil hat or something.
...
[later on]
...
Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back!
[walks back into the room] What?
Oh, of course! It only works on the weak-minded.
[handing Penny a folder] Before you look, do you about the story of the Shoemaker and the elves?
Elves? Leonard, it's too early for Lord of the Rings.
No, see, there's this shoemaker, and when he goes to sleep, these elves come out and make these amazing shoes for him. And when he wakes up, he would so happy, not mad at the elves at all. Here you go.
[reading the paper's headline] "The Effects of Slavery in the Old South, 1602-1865". What the hell is this?
Don't ask me, a little elf did it.
SHDr. Stephen Hawking
What do Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck! Neener, neener, neener!
S6 E7The Habitation Configuration
Sheldon, do you really think we're going to fight?
My fists are not up here because I'm milking a giant, invisible cow.
I remember when I was five, hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy. Had some Peanut M&M’S, went into my first anaphylactic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. Came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock.
RRaj
When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?
Sometime around the third Almond Joy.
S6 E8The 43 Peculiarity
Oh hi, Dr. Hofstader.
Oh, hey, Alex. And call me Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter is my father. And my mother. And my sister. And our cat. Although I'm pretty sure that Dr. "Boots" Hofstader's degree is honorary.
May I join you, Leonard?
Sure. Um, let me ask you something. My girlfriend knows this guy at school. He's got an English accent.
Ooh, I love English accents.
Yeah, you all do. Anyway, I feel like he's hitting on her. She says he's just being nice and I should trust her.
It's probably harmless. You know how it is. I'm sure you get hit on all the time.
Right. Because girls are always like: "Oooh, that guy owns two Star Trek uniforms and gets lots of ear infections. I gotta get me some of that."
You know, I bet it happens more than you realize.
Trust me. It doesn't.
You sure? You're cute. You're funny. Maybe you're getting hit on and you don’t even know it.
Really?
Yep, pretty sure.
[Laughs] I have to get back to work. Thanks for listening.
No problem.
Hope no girls rip my clothes off along the way.
Hey. Shouldn't you be out with your gang spray painting equations on the side of buildings?
Come on, I'm sorry.
I just can't believe you don't trust me.
I feel…Of course I do.
Then why did you embarrass me in front of my friend who, by the way, knew exactly who you were.
Really?
Your picture's on my refrigerator!
Oh. You know, I'm really starting to not like this guy.
What is your problem? Do you use up all your thinking at work and then have none left over for when you get home?
I don't know. It's hard sometimes. Everywhere you go, guys hit on you, even if I'm standing right there. And they're all taller than me. WHY IS EVERYONE TALLER THAN ME? You know what, this is all in my head. It's my problem, not yours.
Leonard. Why do you always do this? Listen to me. You are the one I'm with. You know I love you. So would you please relax because you are driving me crazy!
[pause] You know that's the first time you said that you love me.
[stunned] Yeah.
We're supposed to pretend it's not a big deal?
That's … exactly what we're going to do because you're about to make me cry and we both know that if I start crying, you're going to start crying.
You're right we should…
Fine! [Runs down stairs]
[Enters apartment] She loves me.
S6 E9The Parking Lot Escalation
[talking about his new car] It's parked in 294.
I'm sorry, 294 is my parking spot.
RRaj
You don't even drive.
Maybe they reassigned it because you don't use it.
I don't use my nipples either, maybe they should reassign those.
I’m really sorry that they took Sheldon’s spot away. He shouldn't have to suffer just because Howard’s such a big deal now.
I know. Sheldon should just let Howard have his little moment in the sun.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Well, Howard’s never going to space again, but Sheldon will always be a genius.
You’re right. And I’m sure Sheldon will get a fancy parking spot again if and when he makes a worthwhile contribution to science.
If and when?
All right. Maybe we should change the subject. Amy, how are your lady parts? Still chilly down there?
Hang on. Hey. None of Sheldon’s theories have ever been definitively proven. My husband actually went to outer space.
That’s an impressive accomplishment. He’s now an inspiration to millions of Americans who now know you don’t have to be special or even qualified to go into space.
You know, I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My..my sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. [Laughs] It’s a bad idea.
Gosh, Amy, I’m sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because like Sheldon’s work, your sex life is also theoretical?
Damn.
Well, at least when we do make love, Sheldon won’t be thinking about his MOTHER! And yes, that’s a cleverly veiled reference to Howard’s lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb.
Anyway, to this day, I still can’t see a box of crayons without crossing my legs.
I don’t have to take this. I’m going to go home and have sex with my husband right now! Maybe I’ll let him do it to me in a parking spot; which sounds dirty, but I didn't mean it that way!
S6 E10The Fish Guts Displacement
Sheldon, this isn't helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest.
How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.
[taken by surprise] You... you want to rub something on my chest?
Yes. All over it.
[stifling a cough] Maybe we should start with that.
Now you’re being a responsible patient. [he picks up the tub of VapoRub and sits on the couch opposite Amy] Now, you may notice some tingling...
Oh, I’m counting on it!
Sir, I’m flattered that you invited me, and I really want you to like me, but I don’t think this trip is the way to do it. And I can’t return these things if there’s chunks of duck all over them.
RMr. Rostenkowski
So, why’d you agree to come?
‘Cause Bernadette made me.
RMr. Rostenkowski
I tried to back out, too. My wife said I had to go.
Really? Your wife makes you do stuff? You’re a big, scary cop.
RMr. Rostenkowski
You’re an astronaut, and your wife makes you do things, and she’s only four feet tall.
So, what do we do now? They expect us to go away for the weekend.
RMr. Rostenkowski
Ah. There’s an Indian casino near Palm Springs. You know how to shoot craps?
No, but I’m not a stranger to dice games. I was the Temple Beth-El Hebrew School Yahtzee champion.
RMr. Rostenkowski
Mazel tov. I’ll teach you how to play.
Really? Thank you, sir.
RMr. Rostenkowski
Call me Mike.
Okay. Oh, boy, we’re just married to a couple of ball-busters, huh, Mike?
RMr. Rostenkowski
That’s my wife and daughter you’re talking about.
Great couple of gals.
RMr. Rostenkowski
I wouldn't go that far.
S6 E11The Santa Simulation
Oh, before I forget, Saturday I’m planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
Really? That’s how you’re gonna spend your Saturday night?
Oh, come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play anymore.
Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
Little bit, yeah.
But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.
Wait, what are you doing?
You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn't that right?
Uh, okay.
My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.
This is weird, right?
Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn't bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain't one of ‘em. And now you’re here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today’s not your day. I’m leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!
Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.
S6 E12The Egg Salad Equivalency
[Penny answers the door. Leonard is playing his cello outside.]
[singing, to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb] I’m sorry Alex hit on me, hit on me, hit on me. I’m sorry Alex hit on me, I’d no idea I’m cute.
Oh, damn it, you are.
Please forgive me. I should have told you about Alex.
I don’t care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?
Of course not. No. Why?
Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn't have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.
You do that?
[pause] No.
Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that’s my thing, and if you take it away, I don’t know what I’m bringing to this relationship.
Yes, Leonard, I am insecure. Happy?
No, I’m not happy.
Why are you smiling?
I’m sorry. I just never think of you having feelings like that.
Well, I do.
Why? Nothing is ever going to happen between me and Alex.
Good.
Come here. Tell you a secret?
What’s that?
With all these women chasing me, I kind of do feel like Captain Kirk.
Can I tell you a secret?
Sure.
Keep talking about Captain Kirk, and we’re all gonna stop.
Message received.
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