OK, well, what do you communicate about?
Well, my work in Physics, her work in Neurobiology and, most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.
[spits out her beverage and is offered a napkin by Howard's robot] Thank you.
Wait a minute, a child? You never see this girl, you just email and text and twitter, now you're considering having a baby.
Amy pointed out that between the two of us our genetic material has the potential of producing the first, in a line of intellectually, superior, benign overlords, to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.
Hey, here's another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?
Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It's over fourteen hours in Southern California.
That's an amusing factoid.
No, no. My point is tonight is Sheldon's first official date. Discuss.
Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn't count.
So, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?
Once a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavor without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?
Uh, I wouldn't say many. A few. [Sheldon chuckles] What's [imitating chuckle]?
Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as "a few."
Wha-Where did you get 171 men?
Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15...
Whoa, wait, wait, wait, I did not start dating at 15.
My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to...193 men. Plus or minus eight men.
Remarkable. Do you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...
Okay, Sheldon, I think you made your point.
So we multiply 193--minus 21 men before the loss of virginity so--172 * .18 gives us...30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31.
Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. [To a passing waiter] I'm gonna need a drink over here.
This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?
No! No! [suddenly unsure] No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?
This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?
Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?
[Sheldon suggests taking up jogging]
Have you ever run before?
Certainly! I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens and one particularly persistant P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
You're right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
That's an excellent idea! If we chat it will create the illusion of time going faster!
[Leonard is taking Sheldon's MVPD to work in their car]
I don't understand why you're not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we're like Knight Rider.
Except, in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter.
You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive. [an image of internal human body anatomy with numerous arrows appears on the MVPD's screen] There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name?
I was wrong. This is exactly like Knight Rider.
Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as "Shamy", and I don't like that.
Uh, I got it, but what I was going for was--you know--how's your life?
Like everybody else's: subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.
[After his "breakup" with Amy. Sheldon is replacing her with cats]
Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.
You don't have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I'm already a fan.
Well, I would ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays, and even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words "pie" or "cheesecake", and Leonard is lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.
You want the fruit platter?
Does it have melon on it?
That's great news about you and Bernadette [getting back together]!
Yeah, I think I'm going to take her to miniature golf.
Oh, well, I guess for you guys, that's like regular golf.
Short jokes, really? You're like a quarter of an inch taller than me!
Yeah, and don't you forget it!
[after Amy proposed for Sheldon to meet her mother] What am I supposed to do?
Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?
Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.
All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Screwed! [he realizes what he said]
I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that has no value to human relationships.
Amy Farrah Fowler, that's the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.
I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status?
Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?
Sheldon, please, you're suffocating me.
You know I can't keep a secret!
You can if you try. Think about it this way: if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you'd keep that secret, right?
Why do you get to be Batman?
Because the Batman has the secret.
Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I've now just told to Batman! See, I cannot keep a secret!
'[Sheldon reveals that Leonard betrayed both Raj and Howard's trust by sleeping with Raj's sister, Priya]
[getting up to leave] I don't believe it. This is a terrible betrayal of my trust.
No, no - would it help if I told you that I offered her my heart and that she kind of stomped on it?
... How hard did she stomp?
Okay, I'm good. [Sits back down]
Raj, I just want to say I'd never betray your trust. Unlike Leonard, I respect you.
Really? Was it out of respect that you didn't tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
[horrified] DUDE, I PUT THAT THING ON MY FACE!
I think a more amusing violation of Raj's trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.
Hey, I didn't see you giving back your Snoopy Snow-cone maker!
That was all a lie!? This year's gifts are already wrapped!
And as long as we're talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard's food?
[Leonard looks horrified]
Well, excuse me! That was not a betrayal. That was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting "mothy."
YOU PUT MOTHS IN MY FOOD!?!?!?
'Raj": I can't believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth!
Well, I can't believe you used Sheldon's toothbrush!
YOU USED MY TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!?!?!??!!?!??!
Not the brush part, just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums.
[Sheldon starts blinking furiously]
