[in response to Howard offering to go for Jamba Juice] No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. [pulls down paintball visor] And that's what we're going to be.
Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo. [walks out for hideout and bares himself, with arms wide open] Geology isn't a real science!!
[Sheldon is then shot down in slow-motion by the rival paintball team, and collapses]
DAMN THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!!
[all other members charge out, and shoot down the rival teams]
[getting up] If there's ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. [gets hit by another paintball] Ow!
[Sheldon and Amy are talking in her apartment]
I was hoping she [Penny] might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.
For general educational purposes or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?
Cholera is water-borne, you're mocking me.
Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident of our building.
Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn't mean I have to participate.
All right. Name your price.
[thinks] Kiss me where I've never been kissed before.
…You mean like Salt Lake City?
Thank you for letting me stay here while Leonard skypes with his girlfriend.
Oh, it's no problem. It's actually kind of funny: You reading, me reading, we're like an old married couple.
If we were an old, married couple the wife would serve iced tea and snicker-doodles.
I don't have iced tea and snicker-doodles.
A good wife would go to the store.
Good, on your way to see the lawyer pick some tea and cookies.
[Leonard and Amy are sitting alone at their table at a wedding reception]
[depressed] No, thank you. I'm not really much of a dancer.
[long pause]
Not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist either.
I'm sorry. The bride and groom seem happy.
Why shouldn't they be? They have a feverish night of socially approved copulation ahead of them. In some cultures, we'd stand outside of their bedroom cheering as they achieved orgasm.
That sounds like a late night, and I have work in the morning.
[fed up] Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here. And you're not holding up your end of the evening.
I'm sorry. This wedding just reminds me of my kinda-sorta-girlfriend 9,000 miles away.
I have a kinda-sorta-boyfriend who's playing with a model train right now, you don't hear me bitching about it.
[sarcastically, to Sheldon] You sound like you had a great night.
Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
[confused] What exactly do you mean by that?
Well, turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time…Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
[Short pause, and then Sheldon hits Leonard with his model train]
To send you a message. She is not for you.
[The group is discussing Raj's new girlfriend possibly taking advantage of him]
I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion. [resumes eating]
[long pause] Could you tell us?
Let's see…[rolls dice] Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.
[points to dice] Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again.
[Sheldon does so]
…Okay, get this. [Penny and Leonard exchange looks of annoyance] It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts. Because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.
What do you mean "vastly wealthy"?
Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more…I'm not sure what's tripping you up.
Oh, I know they have money. I don't think it's that much.
No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a Notary Public. From time to time, I notarized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They are Richie Rich rich.
Well, so how much is that?
About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck. ($18.5 billion)
[The others look shocked]
[outraged] What the hell! The last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro!
Listen guys I don't meant to be rude, but I need to go call Raj's sister, who I love so much. So vastly much.
[Penny is trying to explain Raj's naïvete to Emily with Howard translating into sign language]
Raj is naïve. He hasn't dated a whole lot of women. [Howard gets distracted by two women at the reception desk behind them] and I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him, by letting him buy you lots of expensive things and I…[realizes that Howard hasn't been translating] Howard! Focus. Tell her what I'm saying.
Right. [signing] Are you a gold digger or not?
[Penny turns to him in shock. Emily is outraged and begins signing furiously]
[translating hastily] Oh, uh, something, something. Who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself.
I don't understand. What difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
Mortal enemy? Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but you really have a mortal enemy?
In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?
[frustrated with everyone about his mother not doing what he wants, after they volunteer to take her to go around Hollywood] What do I say? I say you need to stop ruining my mom's visit, with your [Leonard's] sushi, your [Raj's] sadness, and your [Penny's] slutty shirts. Stop it! [leaves to go to his room]
[to Raj] He's talking about her shirt. Your shirt is fine!
