I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our Date Night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later the Lego store is having a Midnight Madness Sale. You ask anyone, that's a hot date.
Tempting choices but, I have something special planned for tonight.
What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny Lego Indiana Jones?
With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I have decided that we should make progress in ours as well.
Dear Lord! Two years ago we didn't even know each other. And now, I'm in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?
I had a feeling you'd be reluctant which is why I'm going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.
Oh! You brain monkeys kill me. Dip away!
I've devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me, in an accelerated time frame.
Well, how do you propose to do that? I hope you're not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there's only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that's called school.
Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, etc. I'm going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.
Well, seems what's on the menu tonight is malarkey, with a big side of poppycock.
We'll see. Let's start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we? [turns on the music]
I see what you're doing. You're attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game. Admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood. But it won't work! [Starts to hum music.]
May I offer you something to drink?
Not even, strawberry Quik?
I love strawberry Quik. It's my favorite pink fluid. Narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.
Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.
Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!
Just like your mommy used to make.
Oh! Yummy yummy! We should do this more often. [Realizes something] Uh-oh! [Amy beams]
DDimitri
[in Russian] Mission Control, say again, how fast is it leaking?
MCMission Control
[in Russian] Not bad. We feel okay to go.
DDimitri
[in Russian] Okay, thanks Mission Control.
There's fuel leaking and we're still going to go?
MMike
Don't lose your Froot Loops, Froot Loops.
DDimitri
This happens a lot. Nine times out of ten, no problem.
What happens on the tenth time?
Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
They all got ordained! They're all going to marry us! It's adorable! You want to hear it come closer!
Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills… my heart… it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
That's enough from the both of you!
Well, I'm ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.
Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
I believe you two have prepared vows.
Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
From now on she's the only one that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
MMinisters
By the power invested in us by the state of California...
..and the Klingon High Council...
MMinisters
..we now pronounce you husband and wife.
[All watching Howard's launch on TV]
[Bernadette instinctively grabs Raj's hand]
I can't believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.
[She grabs Leonard's hand]
Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.
[He grabs Amy's hand which surprises Amy]
[from inside the rocket as it lifts off] Oy vay!
Have I ever told you you're like a sexy praying mantis?
Every time you drink alcohol.
You know what's wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate.
[undoing her top button] Dessert is served.
[unfazed] I just had cobbler.
[redoing her top button] You know what? I'm done with this.
[She gets up and starts to leave]
You can't leave. I need you.
[stopped in her tracks] You do?
Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.
All right. [Offers her a seat] Please. [She sits down] Amy, when I look in your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except...I know what kind of man I want to be.
Sheldon...that was beautiful.
I should hope so. That's from the first Spider-Man movie.
Good. Now, I assume we're splitting the check?
You know, I’m growing to like American football.
Yeah, it’s fun, isn't it?
Well, it’s not the balls-to-the-wall action of badminton or cricket, but hey, what is?
All right, who’s ready for another beer?
Oh, I’m having the nicest time. You guys are like family to me. You know that, right?
Penny and I have some issues we need to talk about.
Oh pish on your issues. You guys are fine. Yes, you hit some bumps along the way. I mean, Penny, you’ve always known how this man has felt about you, but you made him grovel for affection.
Now, don’t blame yourself. He was a groveler from way back. But the point is, the two of you got past it. And, Leonard, you go and propose to this poor girl in the middle of sex? That was some weak tea, dude.
Some people might say it was romantic.
Yeah, no. But yet, here you two are, still together. And that’s even after you and I had our crazy naked night.
I’m just saying that after everything you've been through, you get to look into each other’s eyes and say “I love you.” And that’s beautiful. [Penny looks sideways guiltily]
Actually, to this day, she’s never really said it.
Oh, Penny! That’s ridiculous. You know you love him. You, you look him in the eyes and you say it.
Oh come on, you know you want to say it. Say it. Say you love him. Say it!
[Raj is ejected from the apartment]
I really thought she would say it.
This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.
Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.
It’s not fair. Penny isn't making Leonard hold hands.
There might be a reason for that.
Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.
Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore.
Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.
So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?
String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?
She’s not sure how she feels.
How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.
Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard.
Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?
Yes, please, Penny will kill me.
Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.
Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.
[Knock, knock, knock on the wall above Penny's bed] Penny? [Knock, knock, knock] Penny? [Knock, knock, knock] Penny? [Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams]
What are you doing in my bedroom?
Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it.
How did you even get in, you weirdo?
Yeah, really? I've seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?
What do you want, Sheldon?
Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.
Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend? Yeah, pick one, your choice.
Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.
Okay, go home, crazy man.
Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.
Okay, what did Amy tell you?
Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.
Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it?
Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?
Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.
Worst bedtime story ever!
My point is, I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.
Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand?
I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?
[Turns to go, then stops] Penny?
...Please don’t hurt my friend.
[Sighs] That is the last thing I want to do.
[turns to leave, but turns back] Coconut, what were you thinking? Are you a hula girl now?
Has your, uh, assistant said anything about me?
Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem?
I’m in her head. Let the dance begin.
Here’s your frozen yogurt, Dr. Cooper.
Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?
Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?
One on top, one on the bottom.
Um, top one, yes. I didn't check the one on the bottom.
I’m so sorry, Dr. Cooper.
It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed.
[arriving with Alex] Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.
I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.
Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it’s not exactly groundbreaking.
The original title was “A Re-derivation of Maxwell’s Equations Regarding Electromagnetism”" I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.
Sheldon thinks the approach in this paper might change the way we calculate ferromagnetic hysteresis.
Oh, it’s about time. I hated the old way. Hi. I’m Penny.
Alex. Uh, do you work with Dr. Hofstadter?
In a way. We've kind of been involved in a five-year experiment.
Oh. Well, you’re lucky. He seems very talented. And I’m sure a lot of people want to work with him.
Well, a lot of people can’t. Uh, hey.
My limbic system wants to take your pants off.
Notice people on your own time. We’re working.
[Enters] Oh! hey, man, welcome back!
Oh, Stuart, thanks! What are you doing here?
Well... I kind of live here now.
Just until he gets back on his feet... which are looking good in those boots I bought him for my birthday!
[They fist-bump]
Ah, he's spoiling me and I love it.
Wow, so you guys are like buds now?
Oh, yeah, we hang out all the time. Plus, he doesn't have a girlfriend, I don't have a girlfriend...
It's like we have these holes in our lives, but now we fill each other's holes.
[Penny, Amy, Leonard and Sheldon kneel around the coffee table, each has a blueberry pie before them]
Alright, standard State Fair pie eating contest rules are no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.
On the count of 3. 1... 2...
Wait. I'm a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.
So with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?
Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now you either stick your face in that pie or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face!
1... 2... 3... EAT! [all four dive in face first then Howard arrives]
Hey guys, guess who's back from space!
AFAll four
NOT NOW! [Howard leaves]
Oh! Ow! Blueberry in my nose! Blueberry in my nose!
Snort it down and keep eating!
