Have I ever told you you're like a sexy praying mantis?
Every time you drink alcohol.
You know what's wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate.
[undoing her top button] Dessert is served.
[unfazed] I just had cobbler.
[redoing her top button] You know what? I'm done with this.
[She gets up and starts to leave]
You can't leave. I need you.
[stopped in her tracks] You do?
Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.
All right. [Offers her a seat] Please. [She sits down] Amy, when I look in your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except...I know what kind of man I want to be.
Sheldon...that was beautiful.
I should hope so. That's from the first Spider-Man movie.
Good. Now, I assume we're splitting the check?
You know, I’m growing to like American football.
Yeah, it’s fun, isn't it?
Well, it’s not the balls-to-the-wall action of badminton or cricket, but hey, what is?
All right, who’s ready for another beer?
Oh, I’m having the nicest time. You guys are like family to me. You know that, right?
Penny and I have some issues we need to talk about.
Oh pish on your issues. You guys are fine. Yes, you hit some bumps along the way. I mean, Penny, you’ve always known how this man has felt about you, but you made him grovel for affection.
Now, don’t blame yourself. He was a groveler from way back. But the point is, the two of you got past it. And, Leonard, you go and propose to this poor girl in the middle of sex? That was some weak tea, dude.
Some people might say it was romantic.
Yeah, no. But yet, here you two are, still together. And that’s even after you and I had our crazy naked night.
I’m just saying that after everything you've been through, you get to look into each other’s eyes and say “I love you.” And that’s beautiful. [Penny looks sideways guiltily]
Actually, to this day, she’s never really said it.
Oh, Penny! That’s ridiculous. You know you love him. You, you look him in the eyes and you say it.
Oh come on, you know you want to say it. Say it. Say you love him. Say it!
[Raj is ejected from the apartment]
I really thought she would say it.
This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.
Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.
It’s not fair. Penny isn't making Leonard hold hands.
There might be a reason for that.
Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.
Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore.
Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.
So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?
String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?
She’s not sure how she feels.
How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.
Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard.
Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?
Yes, please, Penny will kill me.
Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.
Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.
[Knock, knock, knock on the wall above Penny's bed] Penny? [Knock, knock, knock] Penny? [Knock, knock, knock] Penny? [Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams]
What are you doing in my bedroom?
Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it.
How did you even get in, you weirdo?
Yeah, really? I've seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?
What do you want, Sheldon?
Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.
Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend? Yeah, pick one, your choice.
Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.
Okay, go home, crazy man.
Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.
Okay, what did Amy tell you?
Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.
Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it?
Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?
Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.
Worst bedtime story ever!
My point is, I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.
Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand?
I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?
[Turns to go, then stops] Penny?
...Please don’t hurt my friend.
[Sighs] That is the last thing I want to do.
[turns to leave, but turns back] Coconut, what were you thinking? Are you a hula girl now?
Has your, uh, assistant said anything about me?
Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem?
I’m in her head. Let the dance begin.
Here’s your frozen yogurt, Dr. Cooper.
Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?
Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?
One on top, one on the bottom.
Um, top one, yes. I didn't check the one on the bottom.
I’m so sorry, Dr. Cooper.
It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed.
[arriving with Alex] Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.
I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.
Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it’s not exactly groundbreaking.
The original title was “A Re-derivation of Maxwell’s Equations Regarding Electromagnetism”" I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.
Sheldon thinks the approach in this paper might change the way we calculate ferromagnetic hysteresis.
Oh, it’s about time. I hated the old way. Hi. I’m Penny.
Alex. Uh, do you work with Dr. Hofstadter?
In a way. We've kind of been involved in a five-year experiment.
Oh. Well, you’re lucky. He seems very talented. And I’m sure a lot of people want to work with him.
Well, a lot of people can’t. Uh, hey.
My limbic system wants to take your pants off.
Notice people on your own time. We’re working.
[Enters] Oh! hey, man, welcome back!
Oh, Stuart, thanks! What are you doing here?
Well... I kind of live here now.
Just until he gets back on his feet... which are looking good in those boots I bought him for my birthday!
[They fist-bump]
Ah, he's spoiling me and I love it.
Wow, so you guys are like buds now?
Oh, yeah, we hang out all the time. Plus, he doesn't have a girlfriend, I don't have a girlfriend...
It's like we have these holes in our lives, but now we fill each other's holes.
[Penny, Amy, Leonard and Sheldon kneel around the coffee table, each has a blueberry pie before them]
Alright, standard State Fair pie eating contest rules are no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.
On the count of 3. 1... 2...
Wait. I'm a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.
So with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?
Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now you either stick your face in that pie or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face!
1... 2... 3... EAT! [all four dive in face first then Howard arrives]
Hey guys, guess who's back from space!
AFAll four
NOT NOW! [Howard leaves]
Oh! Ow! Blueberry in my nose! Blueberry in my nose!
Snort it down and keep eating!
[handing Penny a folder] Before you look, do you about the story of the Shoemaker and the elves?
Elves? Leonard, it's too early for Lord of the Rings.
No, see, there's this shoemaker, and when he goes to sleep, these elves come out and make these amazing shoes for him. And when he wakes up, he would so happy, not mad at the elves at all. Here you go.
[reading the paper's headline] "The Effects of Slavery in the Old South, 1602-1865". What the hell is this?
Don't ask me, a little elf did it.
