No, Mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I'm home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc, ergo propter hoc. [lowers his voice] No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.
S3 E1The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation
What are they doing here?
We came to apologize again and bring you home. So why don't you pack up your stuff, and we'll head back?
No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over, and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.
CMrs. Cooper
You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.
CMrs. Cooper
And that is your opinion.
[to the guys] I forgive you, let's go home.
[Sheldon leaves to pack]
CMrs. Cooper
[smiling] Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.
S3 E2The Jiminy Conjecture
[After the guys hear a cricket and Sheldon says its a snowy tree cricket based on the chirps]
I am willing to bet anything, that's an ordinary field cricket.
I can't take your money.
What's the matter? You chicken?
I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Chickens can't climb trees.
Thank God.
[checking an encyclopedia] Right here. See it? The common field cricket, a.k.a. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it. You lose."
Hang on. [Finds another page] Voila. The Snowy Tree Cricket, a.k.a. Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course I'm joking because the Latin for that is Nihil exsorbibo.
What did you tell them?
Nothing bad. Just that last night was fine.
Fine? You said it was fine?
Yeah. It's a perfectly good word. You put it in front of "wine" or "dining" and you've really got something. Okay, well, let me ask you this, how was last night for you?
It was... okay.
Okay?
Yeah, it's a perfectly good word. I mean, you put it in front of "dokay" and you really got something. All right, let's not overreact. It takes time to get to know each other's rhythms. Learn what the other person wants and likes.
S3 E3The Gothowitz Deviation
Penny, while I subscribe to the "Many Worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
Are you fun in any of them?
The math would suggest that in a few of them I'm a clown made of candy, but I don't dance.
[after several scenes where Penny does something of which Sheldon approves, and gets a piece of chocolate in return]
OK. I see what you're doing.
Really.
Yes. You're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behavior.
Very good! Chocolate? [while offering the box to Leonard]
No! [moves away]
S3 E4The Pirate Solution
I've always been a little confused about this -- why don't Hindus eat beef?
We believe cows are gods.
Not technically. In Hinduism cattle are thought to be like gods.
Do not tell me about my own culture Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out, I swear to cow!
[After Sheldon offers him a job] Please don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather swim butt-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple, and then die a slow agonizing death from viral infection, than work with you.
For me.
[When losing an argument with Sheldon] Well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I'd be kicking your butt!
English is your native language!
S3 E5The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary
[Howard's phone rings]
Damn, it's my mother.
Are you going answer it?
I'm torn. She might be dying. I wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.
I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Oh, yeah, does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Okay, well, does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning like you're 9 years old?
You live with your mother?
No. That's the sad part.
Okay, check this out: my mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.
That's nothing! I couldn't ride a bicycle because my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?
Not on a bicycle. In a Camry. [short pause]
Corolla! More wine?
I'd love some!
Listen, you have to come to Shabbat dinner at my house sometime.
Why?
Well, a Catholic girl like you, wearing a big cross like that, might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.
Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
It's a date.
[aside to Leonard] Am I a matchmaker or what?
[after winning a card game match in a tournament] Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! [he looks at where Wil Wheaton and Stuart are playing their own match] bortaS bIr jablu'DI' reH QaQqu' nay'
Did that guy just say 'Revenge is a dish best served cold' in Klingon?
I believe so.
What is wrong with him?
Everyone has a different theory.
S3 E6The Cornhusker Vortex
Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.
I'm sorry?
Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations, and if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.
[watching football on TV] I think I'm starting to get this.
Really? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often, and have trouble getting erections.
Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
I'm just saying, maybe if people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.
S3 E7The Guitarist Amplification
[Howard and Raj are fighting. Eventually, Sheldon loses his cool]
Stop it both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinkin', I'd leave you!"
"Well, I guess that makes you a liar, 'cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here!"
"Stop yelling! You're making Sheldon cry!"
"I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon!" [Sheldon storms out]
Boy, what got him so upset?
Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon's upset.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Big Bang Theory pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.