Howard Wolowitz quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Howard

With the internet, you have the greatest advancement in the field of sex since the invention of the washcloth!

Howard

[Waiting for Sheldon to join their Star Wars on Blu-ray night] I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.

Howard

Too busy to call? He wasn't too busy to binge-watch Hot in Cleveland with my Hulu password!

Howard

Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?

Sheldon

That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?

Howard

Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.

Sheldon

Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?

You might be bound by them right now.

Howard

That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?

Sheldon

Of course not.

Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?

Sheldon

Well, no.

Howard

I smell robot.

Leonard

Here comes our new boss. Be polite.

[approaching] Hi, fellas. Eric Gablehauser.

Howard

[shaking hands] Howard Wolowitz.

Howard. Nice to meet you. [turning to Sheldon] And you are?

Sheldon

[shaking hands] An actual real scientist. [turning to Leonard] How was that?

Leonard

Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?

Sheldon

Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.

The only thing missing from that insult was yo mama!

Howard

I got one. Hey Leonard, yo mama's research methodology's so flawed...

Leonard

Shut up Howard! Sheldon, we have to do this.

Sheldon

No we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.

Sheldon

15 years old--Dennis Kim is 15 years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to--you know--that other guy.

Howard

Antonio Salieri.

Sheldon

Oh, God, now even you're smarter than me.

Penny

[to Leonard] Look, you are a great guy, and it is the things you love that make you who you are.

Howard

I guess that makes me large breasts..

Leonard

My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and my being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.

Penny

That's so silly.

Sheldon

It's actually based on very sound theories; his mother published a paper on it.

Penny

What was it called, I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake?

Sheldon

It was obviously very effective. Leonard grew up to become an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.

Leonard

Thank you.

Howard

Well, I love birthdays: waking up to mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends...

Penny

Yeah! See? That's what kids should have!

Howard

Actually, that was last year...

Penny

[on phone] How about this: you keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.

Howard

[long pause] Don't toy with me, woman.

Penny

I've got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.

Howard

Thy will be done. [Hangs up, takes out granola bar with peanuts, to which he is allergic, and looks to his crotch] I'm doing this for you, little buddy.

Sheldon

I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off Orange Chicken as Tangerine Chicken, and I intend to confront them.

Leonard

If I were you, I'd be more concerned about what they're passing off as chicken.

Penny

I need to use your window.

Leonard

Oh yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Penny

[opening the window and throwing the iPod out of it] Hey, jerkface! You forgot your iPod!

Leonard

[as Penny closes the window and starts to leave] What's going on?

Penny

Oh, I'll tell you what's going on: that stupid, self-centered bastard [her ex-boyfriend] wrote about our sex life in his blog! [going back to the window and reopening it] Drop dead, you stupid, self-centered bastard! [closing the window] Thank you. [leaves]

Sheldon

[after a short pause, wanting to go back to the Mandarin lessons] Okay, where were we?

Howard

[going to the computer] Not now. I have a blog to find.

We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticized cadavers.

Howard

Some of those skinless chicks were hot.

Sheldon

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to pack.

Howard

That's kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.

Leonard

It's not you, Howard. He says he's moving out.

What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?

Leonard

No.

Did you take a Band-Aid off in front of him?

Leonard

No.

Howard

Did you buy generic ketchup? Forget to rinse the sink? Talk to him through the bathroom door?

Adjust the thermostat? Cook with cilantro? Pronounce the ‘T' in often?

Leonard

No.

Howard

Did you make fun of trains?

Leonard

I didn't do anything, he's just gone insane.

Howard

Well, we all knew this day was coming.

Leonard

That was fast.

Sheldon

It's my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. It's recommended by the Department of Homeland Security. And Sarah Connor.

Howard

Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko's and lacing them up in corsets so tight, their bosom jumps out and says "Howdy."

Sheldon

Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the 15th century. If anything, they would have said "huzzah!"

Howard

I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be part of the conversation.

Hello, boys.

Dr. Gablehauser.

Dr. Koothrappali.

Leonard

Dr. Gablehauser.

Dr. Hofstadter.

Sheldon

Dr. Gablehauser.

Dr. Cooper.

Howard

Dr. Gablehauser.

Mr. Wolowitz

Excuse me. Oh, it's my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.

Howard

They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.

Leonard

Not yet.

Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can't go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don't know what I'd do without him.

Leonard

You just got him this afternoon.

Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.

Leonard

A lackey?

Oh, I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.

Sheldon

Now?

Leonard

Almost.

Speaking of untouchables, I've got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.

Howard

Oh, gee, thanks.

Oh, you're welcome. Of course, I couldn't get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that's for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.

Sheldon

There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)