Bernadette Rostenkowski quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Bernadette

Howie, I love you. And as your wife, your mother is every bit my problem as she is yours. So… I want a divorce.

Bernadette

You'd better find my husband's mother, 'cause one way or another, we're walkin' out of this airport with a dead woman!

Bernadette Rostenkowski

Not every girl dreams about being a mom. Sometimes you think you're never going to have kids, and one day you wake up and you're pregnant, and it doesn't matter that your career's going great right now and that you and your husband never even got to go anywhere taped to a dog!

Howard

Damn, it's my mother.

Bernadette

Are you going answer it?

Howard

I'm torn. She might be dying. I wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.

Bernadette

I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.

Howard

Not as crazy as my mother makes me.

Bernadette

Oh, yeah, does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?

Howard

My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.

Bernadette

Okay, well, does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning like you're 9 years old?

Howard

You live with your mother?

Bernadette

No. That's the sad part.

Howard

Okay, check this out: my mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.

Bernadette

That's nothing! I couldn't ride a bicycle because my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.

Howard

Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?

Bernadette

Not on a bicycle. In a Camry. [short pause]

Howard

Corolla! More wine?

Bernadette

I'd love some!

Howard

Listen, you have to come to Shabbat dinner at my house sometime.

Bernadette

Why?

Howard

Well, a Catholic girl like you, wearing a big cross like that, might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.

Bernadette

Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.

Howard

It's a date.

Penny

[aside to Leonard] Am I a matchmaker or what?

Penny

Oh, yeah, you can't sit there.

Bernadette

Why not?

Leonard

That's where Sheldon sits.

Bernadette

He can't sit somewhere else?

Penny

Oh no, you see in the winter, that seat is close enough the the radiator so he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.

Sheldon

Perhaps there's hope for you after all.

Howard

Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?

Sheldon

Same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when traveling through a graphene sheet.

Bernadette

With marbles?

Sheldon

I needed something bigger than peas now, didn't I?

Bernadette

Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?

Sheldon

I don't know, two, three days? Not important. I don't need sleep. I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squateth the toad of truth.

Penny

[aside to Leonard] The toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?

Leonard

No, that's a crazy thing.

Bernadette

[making her way to Sheldon] Okay, Sheldon, what happens to our neuro-receptors when we don't get enough REM sleep?

Sheldon

[looks at Bernadette] They lose their sensitivity to seratonin and norepinephrine.

Bernadette

Which leads to…?

Sheldon

Impaired cognitive function.

Bernadette

Right. [firmly, pointing at his bedroom] So march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed!

Sheldon

[in a childish manner] …But I don't wanna go to bed.

Bernadette

[firmly] I'm gonna count to three. One…

Sheldon

[exasperated] Oh, all right! [leaves]

Leonard

[shocked] That was amazing how you handled him.

Bernadette

I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal daycare center in our basement.

Amy

So anyway to make a long story short, turns out I have an unusually firm cervix.

Penny

You know Amy, when we say girl talk that just doesn't have to be about our lady parts.

Amy

[That's a] Shame, cause I have a real zinger about my tilted uterus.

Penny

So what do you girls wanna do tonight? Should we go to the club or to the movies?

Bernadette

Or we could just stay here?

Amy

Yes, and continue to bond. I have a feeling that after tonight, one of you will become my best friend forever, or BFF if you prefer - which I don't.

Amy

Well, the Internet suggests that another popular slumber party activity is experimentation with lesbianism.

Bernadette

Where exactly on the Internet have you been looking?

Bernadette

So we just sit and stare at a screen and wait for something to happen?

Howard

I did it with you when we rented The Notebook.

Penny

Did you know that last weekend Priya took Leonard rollerblading on the beach? Can you believe that?

Bernadette

I feel like I'm supposed to say “that bitch!”, but I don't have enough information.

Penny

I'm the one who spent two years trying to get him to even go to the beach in the first place. He was so phobic about stepping on medical waste I'd carry him to the water.

Bernadette

I took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.

Penny

So what's the thanks that I get for turning Leonard into a quality boyfriend material? I have to tiptoe around his new girlfriend!

Amy

[to Bernadette] I think you're on.

Bernadette

Oh. [To Penny] That bitch!

Penny

Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl?

Sheldon

Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X's and O's.

Bernadette

That doesn't count! Aren't you even a little curious?

Penny

Yeah, you're a scientist, where is the curiosity?

Amy

I'm available for experimentation [turns towards Sheldon and puckers up]

Sheldon

Thank you, but not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles

Amy

Oh blah blah blah. Give me some sugar, bestie. [turns to Penny and kisses her, all three girls start giggling]

Sheldon

I'm certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.

Howard

Hey, how'd it go?

Bernadette

You're a putz! You know what that means?

Howard

Yeah, do you?

Bernadette

Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she wanted to make sure I was okay.

Howard

And are you?

Bernadette

No, because I'm engaged to a putz. You let me believe I was the reason she had a heart attack.

Howard

Well, based on the available evidence...

Bernadette

Shut up! She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.

Howard

[as Bernadette walks away] Where are you going?

Bernadette

[like Mrs. Wolowitz] To the toilet! Is that okay with you?!

Howard

[to Leonard and Raj after she leaves] Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?

Amy

I can stop pretending that some beautiful girl and her cute-in-the-right-light friend want to hang out with me.

Bernadette

Amy, we're really sorry.

Penny

Yeah, we feel awful.

Amy

Don't. I'm be okay. You're not the first girls I thought were friends with me who ended up shunning me. It's like elementary school, junior high, high school, undergrad, grad school, and that semester abroad in Norway all over again.

Penny

Oh, come on, Amy.

Amy

You don't get it. [holding a piece of brain] Look at this brain.

Penny

[getting sick] I don't really want to.

Amy

This is us. Bernadette, you're the analytical, scientific left hemisphere. Penny, you're the creative, spontaneous right hemisphere. And where's Amy? [Lays the brain on a tray, picks up a tumor with a knife and holds it up] She's right here--the sad little tumor no one wants to go dress shopping with.

Bernadette

Amy, you're not a tumor. Penny, tell her she's not a tumor.

Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.

LOUDER!

Bernadette

They all got ordained! They're all going to marry us! It's adorable! You want to hear it come closer!

Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills… my heart… it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.

Penny

All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.

Leonard

Hmm.

Penny

Problem?

Leonard

No.

Sheldon

I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.

Penny

Oh, grow up.

Leonard

I didn't say it.

Amy

That's enough from the both of you!

Penny

Well, he started it.

Amy

Well, I'm ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.

Leonard

Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.

Sheldon

Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.

Bernadette

Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!

Sheldon

Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.

I believe you two have prepared vows.

Bernadette

Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.

Howard

Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.

SPEAK UP.

Howard

From now on she's the only one that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.

By the power invested in us by the state of California...

Sheldon

..and the Klingon High Council...

..we now pronounce you husband and wife.

Bernadette

I love that man.

Me, too.

Penny

I can't believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.

Leonard

This is it.

Sheldon

Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.

Howard

[from inside the rocket as it lifts off] Oy vay!