Penny quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Penny

Leonard, it's 3:00 in the morning! I don't care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt!

Penny

He's counting Hobbits and superheroes, right?

Penny

Oh, they went to the store to get solder. Which is metal you melt to make science things.

Penny

I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know...

Sheldon

Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.

Penny

Participate in the what?

Leonard

What he means is that wouldn't be his first guess.

Penny

Yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign.

Penny

Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.

Leonard

Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.

Sheldon

I'll have a Diet Coke.

Penny

OK, will you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.

Sheldon

Fine, I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.

Penny

That's, um, Rum and Coke without the rum.

Sheldon

Yes.

Penny

So, Coke.

Sheldon

Yes. And would you make it Diet?

Penny

[sighs] There's a can in the fridge.

Sheldon

A Cuba Libre generally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.

Penny

Then swim to Cuba.

Sheldon

Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.

Leonard

I don't believe it. What's gotten into him?

Penny

[holding up a bottle of Bacardi] Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be kinda slutty.

Leonard

[excited] You didn't!?

Penny

Hey, you do your little experiments, I do mine.

Penny

So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?

Leonard

No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention Sheldon is bat-crap crazy.

Sheldon

Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"

Penny

What does that mean?

Sheldon

Based on what happened next, I assume it means, "Would you like an enema?"

Leonard

[about the time machine] The lights flash, and the dish spins. You wanna try it?

Penny

No, I don't wanna try it! My God, you are grown men! How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes, and comic books, and-and... now that-that...

Sheldon

Again--time machine.

Penny

Oh, please, that's not a time machine. If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.

Sheldon

It only moves in time. It would be less than worthless in a swamp.

Penny

Pathetic! ALL of you, COMPLETELY pathetic!

Penny

[to Leonard] Look, you are a great guy, and it is the things you love that make you who you are.

Howard

I guess that makes me large breasts..

Penny

What the hell's going on?

Sheldon

[Pointing his plastic sword at her accusingly] You hypocrite!

Penny

What?

Sheldon

Little miss "Grown-ups don't play with toys." [gestures behind her] If I went into that apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? [Bends to mockingly address the character] Hello, Hello Kitty!

Leonard

My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and my being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.

Penny

That's so silly.

Sheldon

It's actually based on very sound theories; his mother published a paper on it.

Penny

What was it called, I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake?

Sheldon

It was obviously very effective. Leonard grew up to become an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.

Leonard

Thank you.

Howard

Well, I love birthdays: waking up to mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends...

Penny

Yeah! See? That's what kids should have!

Howard

Actually, that was last year...

Penny

[on phone] How about this: you keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.

Howard

[long pause] Don't toy with me, woman.

Penny

I've got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.

Howard

Thy will be done. [Hangs up, takes out granola bar with peanuts, to which he is allergic, and looks to his crotch] I'm doing this for you, little buddy.

Sheldon

I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off Orange Chicken as Tangerine Chicken, and I intend to confront them.

Leonard

If I were you, I'd be more concerned about what they're passing off as chicken.

Penny

I need to use your window.

Leonard

Oh yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Penny

[opening the window and throwing the iPod out of it] Hey, jerkface! You forgot your iPod!

Leonard

[as Penny closes the window and starts to leave] What's going on?

Penny

Oh, I'll tell you what's going on: that stupid, self-centered bastard [her ex-boyfriend] wrote about our sex life in his blog! [going back to the window and reopening it] Drop dead, you stupid, self-centered bastard! [closing the window] Thank you. [leaves]

Sheldon

[after a short pause, wanting to go back to the Mandarin lessons] Okay, where were we?

Howard

[going to the computer] Not now. I have a blog to find.