Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?
RRaj
You might be bound by them right now.
That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?
RRaj
Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?
Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
RRaj
The only thing missing from that insult was yo mama!
I got one. Hey Leonard, yo mama's research methodology's so flawed...
Shut up Howard! Sheldon, we have to do this.
No we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.
RRaj
We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticized cadavers.
Some of those skinless chicks were hot.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to pack.
That's kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
It's not you, Howard. He says he's moving out.
RRaj
What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?
RRaj
Did you take a Band-Aid off in front of him?
Did you buy generic ketchup? Forget to rinse the sink? Talk to him through the bathroom door?
RRaj
Adjust the thermostat? Cook with cilantro? Pronounce the ‘T' in often?
Did you make fun of trains?
I didn't do anything, he's just gone insane.
Well, we all knew this day was coming.
[Sheldon reappears with his bag packed]
It's my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. It's recommended by the Department of Homeland Security. And Sarah Connor.
RRaj
Excuse me. Oh, it's my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.
They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Sheldon (still smiling): Have we at this point met our social obligations?
RRaj
Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can't go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don't know what I'd do without him.
You just got him this afternoon.
RRaj
Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.
RRaj
Oh, I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.
RRaj
Speaking of untouchables, I've got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
RRaj
Oh, you're welcome. Of course, I couldn't get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that's for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.
There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)
[the guys are playing Klingon Boggle]
I have "chor" [Klingon for "belly"]
SRSheldon & Raj
Got it.
"neHmaH" [Klingon for "neutral zone"]
RRaj
Hold on a second, "Kreplach"?
RRaj
That isn't Klingon, it's Yiddish for a meat-filled dumpling!
Well, as it turns out, it's also a Klingon word.
Kreplach: a hearty, Klingon…dumpling.
[makes thumbs-down gesture] bIlughbe' [Klingon for "you are not right"]
RRaj
We now have the address of the [America's Next] Top Model house.
God bless you, Google Street View--registered trademark.
Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.
Oh, look! Saturn 3 is on.
RRaj
I don't want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space 9 is better.
How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?
RRaj
Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.
In what sense is that a compromise?
Well, 5 is partway between 3 and…never mind.
RRaj
I'll tell you what. How about we go 'Rock-Paper-Scissors'?
Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of 'Rock-Paper-Scissors', players familiar with each other will tie 75-80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest 'Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock'.
It's very simple. Look -- Scissors cuts Paper, Paper covers Rock. Rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes Scissors, Scissors decapitates Lizard. Lizard eats Paper, Paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, Rock crushes Scissors.
RRaj
…Okay. I think I got it.
SRSheldon & Raj
Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock! [both play Spock and groan in frustration]
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
Well, I wanna watch it now.
Then I believe we've arrived at another quintissential 'Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock' moment.
[Sheldon holds up his fist in preparation to play]
Watch whatever you want. [gives Sheldon the remote]
RRaj
I saw what you did there.
[trash talking to Barry Kripke] Kripke. Your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
Now of course if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
RRaj
What difference does it make, fat is fat!
Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
RRaj
He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
We're all pathetic and cweepy and can't get girls. That's why we fight wobots. If you're not there, you'll be exposed to widicule.
RRaj
[addressing Barry's rhotacism] I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?
Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
BKBarry Kripke
What's wwong with him?
RRaj
He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
We'we aww pathetic and cweepy and can't get giwws. That's why we fight wobots. If you'we not thewe, you'ww be exposed to widicule.
RRaj
[addressing Barry's rhotacism] I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?
RRaj
Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
First off, that's axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant -
[deliberately interrupting him] Hey, I'm thinking of growing a moustache.
[playing along] Aaah… No kidding. Fu Manchu? A Handlebar? Pencil?
[desperately] It's extracted from the plant -
I'm not sure yet. You know. George Clooney has one.
RRaj
Really? I once saw him at Ralph's. He was buying tequila.
Oh. You'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[They look at Sheldon, who is crinkling his lips in frustration]
[smiling] Alright. This is cruel. We'd better let him finish before his head explodes.
Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca - ?
[very quickly, in a rambling manner] Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide, it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly! [takes a drink of water]
[continuing] It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding, and you [Leonard] promised you wouldn't do that anymore!
Unlike you, I can actually talk to women when I'm sober.
RRaj
You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic, while you, on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
Well, you know the old saying. 'Pasty and frail…never fail.'
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
