So, hey, I was thinking about that stuff with Alex.
Oh, would you stop worrying about that?
I can’t help it. But, look, I figured I could sit around and feel insecure, or I could do something about it. So I got a course catalogue at school and looked at some of the science classes.
No, it isn’t, they are extremely boring. I mean, how do you not kill yourself, like, every day? Anyway, I decided I don’t need to be a scientist, I could just look like one. So I bought these.
Glasses? I really don’t think that’s gonna change… oh, my God, you look so smart and hot.
I know, right? Watch this. Molecules.
To my bedroom, so I can take everything off but those glasses. And maybe the boots.
[Penny, Amy and Bernadette enter the Comic Book Store. Everyone inside stares at them in shock]
[nervous] Why are they staring?
Who cares, just soak it in. Hello boys!
Oh, hey! [To the staring men] Can you please stop staring, they're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
W-what brings you guys here?
We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.
... No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.
Oh, o-okay, well, what do you think you might be into? Superhero? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga? [sees his customers are staring at them again] I swear, I will turn a hose on you!
What kind of comics do the guys like?
Umm... A little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
All right, well, who's the best superhero?
[panicking] SSHH! You can't ask a question like that in here! You trying to start a rumble!?
The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I'm supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it's hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. [looks at Sheldon, who just nods silently] You've been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?
Alright, so how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?
I read his research; it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist in the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy! [starts crying]
Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?
[Amy hugs him tightly]
I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor. [Amy lets go] Why did you stop?! [Amy hugs him again]
Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
You ever gonna sleep with Amy?
[Leonard and Sheldon just stare at her]
[a little scared] We don't ask Sheldon things like that.
Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?
Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.
Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others—handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.
Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might...actually get physical?
[long pause] It's a possibility.
[silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God! Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.
One vintage Mister Mxyzptlk action figure. That’s Leonard’s.
One Star Trek: The Next Generation Phasor. That’s Leonard’s.
One Game of Thrones collector’s edition long claw sword. Ah, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.
So, what’s your plan moving forward?
I suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?
It took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would go whenever the mood struck him.
What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?
That would be ideal. If a person like that existed I would sign on no further questions asked.
Me. Aren't I your perfect roommate?
Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger. We’re intellectually compatible. I’m willing to chauffeur you around town. And your personality quirks which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing I find cute as a button. What do you think?
Tell me one reason that this isn't a fantastic idea.
See, you can’t. I’m going to see if Leonard’s room is big enough for my water bed.
What? Why? Is it the {answering machine} message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn't break in.
What is it then? I did everything just the way you like it.
THEN WHAT THE HELL SHELDON!?!? We have been going out for over two years and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss because you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever going to have. Just give me one good reason why I can’t live here.
She doesn't want to live with Leonard so he has to live here again. She’s the snake in our garden. She’s the reason we can’t be happy.
You know what. That was pretty crappy of you. All I wanted to do was give you a great night and it’s like you went out of your way to destroy it.
Yep. I know. I’m a total bitch.
Well. Fine you win. You’re a bitch. Why couldn't we just have a nice time?
I don’t know. Maybe because things are going so well between us lately and I’ve been really happy.
Okay. You’re going to have to make a lot more sense than that.
Obviously I have some commitment issues.
Glaringly obvious. Go on.
As long as things keep going great between us, you’ll keep asking me to marry you and eventually I’m going to end saying yes then we’re going to be married forever and the whole thing just freaks me out.
Okay. I know I propose a lot so how about this. I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.
What? What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?
No. No, no, no, no, no. But if someday you decide to you want to get married, you have to propose to me.
Yes. All on you. But I got to tell you when the time comes I want the whole nine yards. I want you down on one knee, flowers, I want to be swept off my feet.
And I’m cool with surprises, but nothing on the jumbo-tron. I don’t to cry on a big screen like that.
Okay. You know what, this might be the wine talking, but I have a very important question to ask you.
Would you be my valentine?
Sorry, maybe next year. I’m just kidding. Romance ninja! Let’s have sex! Wo-ah!
[Lucy knocks at Raj's door.]
Just a sec. Oh, I said 'just a sec'. I hate myself. [Opens door.] Hello.
Would you like to come in?
LLucy
Um. No. I can't stay.
LLucy
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for running out of the coffee shop. That wasn't cool. So, ah, yeah. I'm sorry.
Wait. Can you at least tell me what went wrong? It's okay, I can take anything. Unless it's something I did or said or am, 'cause those are like my buttons.
LLucy
No. It's not any of that. It's just I kind have a hard time around people I don't know.
Really? Then what were you doing at the comic book store that night?
LLucy
I've been trying to force myself into situations that I'm not comfortable with. I saw the flyer in the store window and I made myself go in. I don't even like comic books.
LLucy
Then what were you doing in there?
I lied. I love them. I only said that so you would go out with me.
LLucy
You don't want to do that. I'm kind of broken.
That's great! I'm broken too.
Oh I totally am. If it wasn't for this beer I couldn't even talk to you right now. I'm a wreck. There are many things seriously wrong with me. And not quirks either. Like diagnosable psychological problems. Maybe brain damage.
LLucy
Well. How do I know you're not just saying that?
Go out with me on one date and I promise you you'll see.
You won't regret it. I'm the most pathetic guy you ever met. [To himself.] And that, boys and girls, is how it's done.
[Penny is performing on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois]
You love her very much. Don't you?
You think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand about it.
She is, but when do we get to the part about the streetcars?
When I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once much, much too completely. Like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. Then I was unlucky to lose it.
How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?
So now let's bring out theoretical physicist, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish born, French educated Madame Curie. Co-discover of radioactivity. She was a hero of science until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became full with blood and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work I see no reason why that can't also happen to any of you. Are we done? Can we go?
Thanks again for letting me drag girls' night.
Are you kidding? You brought fancy wine and made fondue. I've slept with guys for less. [Everyone stares at her.] It's a joke! Based on real events.
Anyway I was hoping I could pick your brains a little. I'm supposed to take Lucy out Friday and I need a killer first date.
Well, evolutionary biology says that women are attracted to a man who is steady in the face of danger So I recommend an unsafe environment. A seedy bar on the wrong side of the tracks. Picnic near a lunatic asylum. A wine tasting on skid row.
Lucy has some social anxiety issues. Maybe we could start with something simpler.
Why don't you take her to Disneyland? You can go on Space Mountain; you're in the dark, she's holding onto you.
Yeah, you just have to remember that that ride is shorter then you think. And they take a picture at the end so make sure you have all your clothes back on. [Everyone stares at her] It's a joke!! ...Based on real events.
What are you guys doing here?
When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad’s letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
It’s simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not do it.
Okay. It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Farsides’ card, the one where the frog has his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
It was a map, leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.
Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.
You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.
OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift. [Howard gets up and walks away]. You okay?
So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Actually I don’t want to know. I want all of them to be true.
That is pretty cool. Thank you guys.
