The Big Bang Theory · Season 2
Has Leonard ever dated any regular girls?
Well, I assume that you're not talking about digestive regularity, because I've come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.
No, I mean has he ever dated someone who wasn't a brainiac?
Oh, well there was this one girl who had a PhD in French Literature.
How is that not a brainiac?
Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticized cadavers.
Some of those skinless chicks were hot.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to pack.
That's kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
It's not you, Howard. He says he's moving out.
What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?
No.
Did you take a Band-Aid off in front of him?
No.
Did you buy generic ketchup? Forget to rinse the sink? Talk to him through the bathroom door?
Adjust the thermostat? Cook with cilantro? Pronounce the ‘T' in often?
No.
Did you make fun of trains?
I didn't do anything, he's just gone insane.
Well, we all knew this day was coming.
[Sheldon reappears with his bag packed]
That was fast.
It's my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. It's recommended by the Department of Homeland Security. And Sarah Connor.
Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko's and lacing them up in corsets so tight, their bosom jumps out and says "Howdy."
Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the 15th century. If anything, they would have said "huzzah!"
I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be part of the conversation.
Leonard is upstairs right now with my archenemy.
Your archenemy?
Yes: the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
OK, I get it, I get it...
You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.
Whoa, I've dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle... [long pause indicating the end of the counting]
Notify the editors of The Oxford English Dictionary: The word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two".
[Penny sneaks into Sheldon's room while he is asleep]
[whispering] Sheldon!
[She walks up to his bed]
[whispering] Sheldon.
[Jerking awake] Danger! Danger!
Sheldon, it's me.
You're in my bedroom.
I need your help.
People can't be in my bedroom.
Well, can we talk in the living room?
I'm not wearing any pajama bottoms.
Well, why not?
I spilled grape juice.
Well, can't you put on other pajamas?
I can't put on other pajamas, these are my Monday pajamas! Penny, people aren't supposed to be in my bedroom!
Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work...and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that, too.
Why should I do something? You're the one who introduced her to online gaming.
Yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd simply restrained yourself, none of this would be happening.
Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone?
I did! I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic Twitter, I even changed my Facebook status to "Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone"! I don't know what else to do!
Well, what am I supposed to to?
I don't know, but if you don't figure something out, I warn you, I shall become very difficult to live with!
You mean up until now we've been experiencing the happy, fun-time Sheldon?
Yes.
I'll go talk to her!
[Sheldon is talking to a potential mate for Penny]
Excuse me. Are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
No?
Would you like to be?
[Leonard and Leslie look shocked and amused as they realise what's happening]
Uh... Sure, why not?
Sheldon -
[silences him] Can I have your phone number?
[looks him up and down] Err... Yeah.
[A little too eagerly, he grabs Sheldon's hand and writes his number on his palm]
Hello, boys.
Dr. Gablehauser.
Dr. Koothrappali.
Dr. Gablehauser.
Dr. Hofstadter.
Dr. Gablehauser.
Dr. Cooper.
Dr. Gablehauser.
Mr. Wolowitz
Excuse me. Oh, it's my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.
They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Sheldon (still smiling): Have we at this point met our social obligations?
Not yet.
Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can't go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don't know what I'd do without him.
You just got him this afternoon.
Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.
A lackey?
Oh, I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.
Now?
Almost.
Speaking of untouchables, I've got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
Oh, gee, thanks.
Oh, you're welcome. Of course, I couldn't get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that's for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.
There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)
[Sheldon is trying Howard's driving simulator - with disastrous results]
How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria?
I don't know, I was on the Pasadena Freeway, missed my exit, flew off the overpass and...one thing led to another.
[Screeching tires are heard from the simulator, followed by a crash and barking and meowing]
Awwwwww, the pet store…
Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it's amazingly detailed.
You know, I gotta ask; why didn't you just get a license at 16 like everybody else?
I was otherwise engaged.
Doing what?
Examining perturbative amplitudes in N = 4 Supersymmetric Theories, leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of Multi-loop N = 8 Supergravity using modern Twistor Theory.
Well, how about when you were 17?
Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to despite my 9:00 bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it's more likely that you'll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make papier-mâché volcanoes with baking soda lava.
Oh, good God.
In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make some significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? [No one in the classroom says anything] Of course not. I weep for the future of science; now if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. Come, Leonard. [leaves]
[referring to his earlier failed experiment] Laser demonstration's looking pretty good now, huh?
I know this is none of my business, but I just... I have to ask -- what's Sheldon's deal?
What do you mean, "deal"?
You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls…? Guys…? Sock puppets…?
Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Come on, everybody has a deal.
Not Sheldon. Over the years we've formulated a number of theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
I'm sorry?
I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species and someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.
[the guys are playing Klingon Boggle]
I have "chor" [Klingon for "belly"]
Got it.
"neHmaH" [Klingon for "neutral zone"]
Yep.
And "Kreplach".
Hold on a second, "Kreplach"?
Yeah.
That isn't Klingon, it's Yiddish for a meat-filled dumpling!
Well, as it turns out, it's also a Klingon word.
Really? Define it.
Kreplach: a hearty, Klingon…dumpling.
Judge's ruling?
[makes thumbs-down gesture] bIlughbe' [Klingon for "you are not right"]
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