Leonard Hofstadter quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Leonard

Fine, but set phasers to stun. If we vaporize Penny, I'll never find a girlfriend that pretty again.

Leonard

You know what I love about the clean room? No allergies. [Takes deep breath] Whoa! That's a lot of oxygen.

Leonard

Soup, sandwiches, and emasculation. Just like my mom used to make.

Leonard

If Sheldon’s testosterone dipped he’d become a butterfly.

Sheldon

[about donating sperm] What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?

Leonard

I'm sure she'll still love him.

Sheldon

I wouldn't.

Penny

I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know...

Sheldon

Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.

Penny

Participate in the what?

Leonard

What he means is that wouldn't be his first guess.

Penny

Yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign.

Leonard

Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.

Sheldon

My apologies. What’s your plan?

Sheldon

It’s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.

Leonard

Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.

Sheldon

What do you think their combined IQ is?

Leonard

Just grab the door!

Leonard

Well, we'll just have to take it up ourselves.

Sheldon

I hardly think so.

Leonard

Why not?

Sheldon

Well, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.

Leonard

We don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a lever and a fulcrum and I could lift the earth.

Leonard

I don't have this! I don't have this! I DON'T HAVE THIS!

Sheldon

Archimedes would be so proud.

Leonard

Well, do you have any ideas?

Sheldon

Yeah, but they all involve a Green Lantern and a power ring.

Leonard

[in Penny's apartment in the middle of the night] Do you realize if Penny wakes up, there's no reasonable explanation to why we are here?

Sheldon

I just gave you a reasonable explanation.

Leonard

No, you gave me an explanation. Its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers!

Sheldon

Don't be ridiculous. I have no peers.

Leonard

Hello Leslie.

Hi Leonard.

Leonard

I'd like to propose an experiment…

Goggles, Leonard.

Leonard

Right. I would like to propose an experiment.

Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a 500-kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my Cup o' Noodles.

Leonard

I've done it. About two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.

Wait, are you asking me out?

Leonard

I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague-slash-friendship paradigm with the addition of a date-like component, but we don't need to quibble over terminology.

What sort of experiment?

Leonard

There's a generally accepted pattern in this area. I would pick you up. Take you to a restaurant. Then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.

Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the biochemical reaction during the good night kiss?

Leonard

Heart rate, pheromones, et cetera. Yes.

Why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable?

Leonard

You mean kiss you now?

Yes.

Leonard

Can you define the parameters of the kiss?

Closed-mouth but romantic. Mint?

Leonard

Here comes our new boss. Be polite.

[approaching] Hi, fellas. Eric Gablehauser.

Howard

[shaking hands] Howard Wolowitz.

Howard. Nice to meet you. [turning to Sheldon] And you are?

Sheldon

[shaking hands] An actual real scientist. [turning to Leonard] How was that?

Leonard

What did Penny mean, "you'd make a cute couple"?

Sheldon

Well, I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, though somewhat less likely interpretation is that you could manufacture one. As in, "Oh, look, Leonard and Leslie made Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb! Aren't they adorable?"

Leonard

If Penny didn't know that Leslie had already turned me down, then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought I should ask her, Leslie, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out; but because she did know that I had asked Leslie out, and that she, Leslie, had turned me down, then she, Penny, could be offering me consolation - "That's too bad, you would have made a cute couple..." - while thinking, "good, Leonard remains available."

Sheldon

You're a lucky man, Leonard.

Leonard

How so?

Sheldon

You're talking to one of the three men in the Western Hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.

Leonard

Well, what do you think?

Sheldon

I said I could follow it, I didn't say I cared.

Penny

Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.

Leonard

Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.

Leonard

[To Kurt] A Homo habilis just discovering his opposable thumbs says what?

[Confused] What?

Leonard

[seeing Sheldon trying to sit on the couch where Penny's head is] What are you doing?

Sheldon

Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.

Leonard

Penny's still sleeping.

Sheldon

Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal…

Leonard

You have a TV in your room. Why don't you just have breakfast in bed?

Sheldon

Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.