Amy Farrah Fowler quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Amy

Before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower. But look at me now. I'm like some kind of downtown hipster party girl! With a posse, a boyfriend, and a new lace bra that hooks in the front of all things!

Amy

Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon

Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you've been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey upon the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I am being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.

Amy

If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.

Sheldon

Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.

Amy

I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.

Sheldon

Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.

Amy

Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.

Sheldon

May I buy you a beverage?

Amy

Tepid water, please.

Howard

[to Raj, seeing their "experiment"] Good God, what have we done?

Penny

Hey, here's another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?

Sheldon

Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It's over fourteen hours in Southern California.

Amy

That's an amusing factoid.

Sheldon

Thank you.

Penny

No, no. My point is tonight is Sheldon's first official date. Discuss.

Amy

Is this true?

Sheldon

Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn't count.

Penny

So, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?

Amy

Once a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavor without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?

Penny

Uh, I wouldn't say many. A few. [Sheldon chuckles] What's [imitating chuckle]?

Sheldon

Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as "a few."

Penny

Wha-Where did you get 171 men?

Sheldon

Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15...

Penny

Whoa, wait, wait, wait, I did not start dating at 15.

Sheldon

I'm sorry. 16?

Penny

14.

Sheldon

My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to...193 men. Plus or minus eight men.

Amy

Remarkable. Do you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?

Penny

No!

Sheldon

Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...

Penny

Okay, Sheldon, I think you made your point.

Sheldon

So we multiply 193--minus 21 men before the loss of virginity so--172 * .18 gives us...30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31.

Penny

Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. [To a passing waiter] I'm gonna need a drink over here.

Amy

This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?

Penny

No! No! [suddenly unsure] No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?

Sheldon

This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?

Amy

Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?

Sheldon

I should think so.

Penny

Alrighty! What's new?

Amy

Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as "Shamy", and I don't like that.

Penny

Uh, I got it, but what I was going for was--you know--how's your life?

Amy

Like everybody else's: subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.

Amy

I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that has no value to human relationships.

Sheldon

Amy Farrah Fowler, that's the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.

Amy

I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status?

Sheldon

Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?

Amy

Sheldon, please, you're suffocating me.

Amy

So anyway to make a long story short, turns out I have an unusually firm cervix.

Penny

You know Amy, when we say girl talk that just doesn't have to be about our lady parts.

Amy

[That's a] Shame, cause I have a real zinger about my tilted uterus.

Penny

So what do you girls wanna do tonight? Should we go to the club or to the movies?

Bernadette

Or we could just stay here?

Amy

Yes, and continue to bond. I have a feeling that after tonight, one of you will become my best friend forever, or BFF if you prefer - which I don't.

Amy

Well, the Internet suggests that another popular slumber party activity is experimentation with lesbianism.

Bernadette

Where exactly on the Internet have you been looking?

Amy

Penny's friend, Zack, stopped by and said "hello" and I said "hoo!"

Sheldon

Hoo?

Amy

Zack.

Sheldon

Then why did you ask?

Amy

Ask what?

Sheldon

Who?

Amy

Zack.

Sheldon

Alright, let's start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?

Amy

Hoo!

Sheldon

Zack.

Amy

Why do you keep saying 'Zack'?

Sheldon

Because you keep saying 'Who'.

Amy

I'm not saying 'hoo' now. I said 'hoo' last night.

Sheldon

And the answer was Zack, correct?

Amy

There was no question; I simply said "Hoo!"

Sheldon

[short pause] All right. I think I have enough to go on.

Penny

[about going with the others to a science conference including a spa treatment] Boy, this is great. I haven't had a vacation in ages!

Sheldon

In order to take a vacation, one first has to work.

Penny

You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept "Don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat". [leaves]

Amy

That does seem to be a valid principle.

Sheldon

[waves her off] I trust Penny will adhere to the official California Restaurant Worker's Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.

Amy

I don't believe there's any such thing.

Sheldon

[to Leonard] You lied to me?

Amy

And consider this: without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh.

Sheldon

Are you trying to scare me? 'Cause you're succeeding!

Amy

Well, then, prepare to be terrified; if your friends are unconvincing, this year's donation might go to, say, the geology department.

Sheldon

Oh, dear, n- not the dirt people!

Amy

Or worse, it could go to... [leans in dramatically] the liberal arts.

Sheldon

No.

Amy

[nods] Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.

Sheldon

Oh, the humanities!

Penny

Did you know that last weekend Priya took Leonard rollerblading on the beach? Can you believe that?

Bernadette

I feel like I'm supposed to say “that bitch!”, but I don't have enough information.

Penny

I'm the one who spent two years trying to get him to even go to the beach in the first place. He was so phobic about stepping on medical waste I'd carry him to the water.

Bernadette

I took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.

Penny

So what's the thanks that I get for turning Leonard into a quality boyfriend material? I have to tiptoe around his new girlfriend!

Amy

[to Bernadette] I think you're on.

Bernadette

Oh. [To Penny] That bitch!

Penny

Oh, hey, Amy. What's up?

Amy

[quickly] Sheldon and I engaged in sexual intercourse. In other news, I'm thinking of starting an herb garden. Mum's the word. Gotta go. [leaves]

Sheldon

I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.

Amy

Slow down, Sheldon. I'm not quite there yet.

Penny

Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl?

Sheldon

Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X's and O's.

Bernadette

That doesn't count! Aren't you even a little curious?

Penny

Yeah, you're a scientist, where is the curiosity?

Amy

I'm available for experimentation [turns towards Sheldon and puckers up]

Sheldon

Thank you, but not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles

Amy

Oh blah blah blah. Give me some sugar, bestie. [turns to Penny and kisses her, all three girls start giggling]

Sheldon

I'm certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.

Amy

Hang on. [looks at her phone] It's the wildebeest. Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.

Penny

What the hell did she say?

Amy

She thinks it's cool you're following your dream, no matter what.

Penny

[short pause] That bitch!