TV show quotes
[Kelso is insisting on firing his hunting rifle while in Red's car on the way to a hunting lodge]
I have a right to bear arms, that's in the Constitution!
Well Kelso, not everything in the Constitution makes sense.
Whoa, Fez, shut up.
[overhears remark] What did you say?
Nothing.
[grumbles] Foreigners...
[Eric sees a deer.]
[to Red] Look at him. He's magnificent. He's the king of the forest, just like...Bambi's dad. It's beautiful.
[shoots deer] Yeah, and I bet he tastes beautiful, too. [before going down to collect the deer] Oh, and just for the record, Eric, I'm the king of the forest.
[Kelso tries to find food in the Formans' cupboards.]
Actually, Kelso. You know what really makes you horny? Beets.
Yeah, right.
Nah, it's true, I saw it on 60 Minutes, man. Beet farmers with like, ten, 15 kids.
Man, how's come everything that's good for you always tastes so bad? [gets can opener and tries to open can of beets] I'm trying it!
[enters kitchen] Michael, honey, don't eat our beets! [gets can]
You know, Michael, Mrs. Forman's right. You're horny enough as it is. Sometimes, I wish you had two girlfriends. [gang looks at her]
Oh my God, are you serious?
What?
Nothing!
[Kitty awaits the outcome of Red's Price Mart supervisor interview]
I'll be in the basement.
No, you sit!
Oh, sure, when things get ugly, suddenly I'm family!
Not to me, freak.
You are so going to end up in porno!
[sees a grumpy Red walk in] Hi honey! [Red walks over to the bar and begins pouring a drink]
Right to the bar. Not a good sign.
What are you all looking at? Don't you think that...Price Mart's new supervisor deserves a drink?
Yay!
Yeah, I got it!
Hey, congratulations, Dad.
Thanks, Eric. Oh, and you're fired.
What, you can't do that!
Yes I can! You're fired!
Hey, you know what? I'm not fired.
Ok, if it's so important to you, you're not fired. But if your grades start to slip, you are fired! I love saying that!
God help the poor bastards who work for you, huh?
[laughs] Wait, uh, I work for you.
I know!
[Red alerts Kitty about Bob wearing a toupee]
No hair?
None...well, a little.
Well what are we talking about here Red? Is it Ed Asner bald or Charlie Brown bald?
Geez Kitty, I don't know. I barely looked.
Ok I need a visual aid. [gets a Wooly Willy]
It was so uncomfortable. I mean, a toupee is a pretty big lie, Kitty.
Ok here, show me on Wooly Willy. [watches Red sketching] Uh huh, ok, uh huh [Red shakes the board so all the hair falls off Wooly Willy to show her the final product]
[astonished] Really.
[at Jackie's dinner party, a drunk Eric serenades Donna with his own version of Hey Paula. Schoolmate Timmy is on the piano]
Hey, hey Donna, I wanna sing to you, hey hey hey Donna, no one else will ever do, I've waited so long for [voice cracks] school to be through, Donna, Donna, I love you [high-pitched] hey hey Donna!!
Eric, get down off there right now!
What's the problem Donna?
Yeah, what's the problem Donna?
Timmy, go get your pants on or I'll beat the crap out of you! [Timmy runs out of the room] Eric, remember when I told you to loosen up?
Oh yeah baby.
[grabs trophy Eric uses as microphone] Well, tighten up baby. When the house is on fire, the party's over.
Well, hey, this was your idea.
Eric, I told you to loosen up, not act like a dink.
Well I'm new at this [grabs the trophy back] so sue me. [sings again] Sue, sue, sue me!! Sue me Donna!
[Fez tries out Twister on his own]
Ok, here we go. [spins the spinner] Right hand blue. [does game behind the couch.]
Fez, you can't play Twister by yourself.
That's where you're wrong, my friend. [pause] Right leg green. Oh, that's gonna be tough. [leg appears above the couch, then he slowly puts it back down]
Hey, Fez, man. The circus called. They said they'd pay you fifty bucks a week if you can kiss your own ass.
Take a message.
[Midge and Bob recites their vows]
Bob, I'm proud and very grateful to be your wife. [camera focuses on Donna and Eric, who are sitting across the aisle from each other, and Bob and Midge read the vows. Eric flashes Donna a smile and makes an ok sign]
We've known each other since we were practically kids.
So we know all the good stuff...
...and all the not so good stuff about each other. [Donna and Eric stare at each other, as if the words Bob and Midge are speaking are really being spoken by them.]
I can't imagine feeling about anyone else the way I feel about you.
Because I love you. I always loved you. And I wanna make you a promise.
No matter what happens...
Good or bad...
I will always love you. [Donna mouths the same words to Eric at the same time]
Awww!
Hey, there kids, where've you two been?
God, Dad, can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of accusations? I mean, God, it was just a minute!
To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.
[Donna separately asks Kitty, Laurie, and Midge how their own first times felt]
Ok, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like?
Oh, my first time was with a guy named...your father.
My first time was with this guy named Darren. It was really special! Oh no, wait. It wasn't Darren, it was...Robert? I think, Robert!
Well, um, Red and I waited until after we were married. Like, five seconds after we were married. We said, to heck with the receiving line and hit the nearest closet!
Oh, I remember running my hands through his long blonde hair and listening to his beautiful British accent. [has a long stare, but snaps out of it] You see, because, back then your father was blonde and British!
No, no no no, not Robert. There was this guy...what was his name? Or was it his brother? It'll come to me.
Good god, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red got it off in no time! You wouldn't know it to look at him but Red's got very nimble fingers. Nimble!
I just remember it was very disappointing. And I never saw that guy again. I mean, your father. I mean, your father was the first. Don't tell your father, ok?
I wanna say Billy. But that's not right. Anyway, I just remember that he wasn't very good.
And it was just wonderful. Eventually.
Look, man. If God had meant for virgins to lose it to other virgins, he wouldn't have given us middle-aged hookers, man!
Amen, brother! Because if there's one thing men like us know, it's how to have sex. ...Oh, I cannot live with this lie. Everyone, prepare to be shocked. I, Fez...am still a virgin.
[sarcastically] Gosh, my world no longer makes sense. Fine, Hyde. But now that the middle-aged hooker ship has sailed, what am I supposed to do?
Well, I know I got a lot better when I started making out with your sister. I got it! You should make out with my sister!
Kelso, man, I've seen your sister. She's a virgin, and she's gonna be for a long time.
Hyde, what are you saying?
Well, I think he's saying... "Moooo!"
Okay, maybe you did not hear me. Fez, the man you all revere... has still not had sex.
Yeah, heard you the first time. Forman, you've gotta figure out what you're doin' wrong, man. And fast. You know what women call guys who are lame in the sack? Just friends.
Yeah, but you can't let the pressure get to you. I mean, don't think about how embarrassing it'd be if you tried, and you couldn't. How she'd stare at you with those cruel black eyes. As if to say... "You're not really a man, Michael! YOU'RE NOT A MAN AT ALL!"
[pause] O...kay. Well, this has been... really helpful, guys.
Alright, you called my bluff. I am not really a virgin. [chuckles] ...Yes, I am.
Jackie, you are so totally hot for him. I can see it in your eyes.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I like Fez? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! [runs off]
[Arriving home after watching Annie Hall]
Hey, do you wanna go see Close Encounters sometime?
Oh, I'd love to.
Very cool. Good night, Mom. [kisses Kitty on cheek before going to the kitchen. Red walks in as Kitty starts to cry.]
Oh, what'd he do? I swear I'll kick his ass!
How stupid do you think I am? We know what you were doing in the car.
No. We don't know.
Yes we do.
No. We don't know.
[cheering] I do!
Of course you do! You...majored in it!
[at the planned meeting with three radio babes, Fez decides to stay behind and take his chances with three old women at the entrance to a club]
Hello my lovelies, I am Julie. Which one of you is Hot-To-Trot?
Julie?
[turns around] Yes? [sees attractive girls walk up to him]
You made it! I'm Hot-to-Trot.
I'm Foxy Lady!
And I'm Nice-and-Easy!
You're not fat. Or old at all!
Of course not! We're gymnasts.
Dear, Penthouse... [girls smile]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
