Kitty Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Kitty

A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

Kitty

Laurie, you're mean to your brother and you're screwing around at college. We don't even see you unless you run out of clean clothes or need cash. The fact is, you're an ungrateful, spoiled brat.

Kitty

Oh wonderful, I started out in God's magic circle and ended up in Satan's evil square. I can't believe any of you would walk into church without bursting into flames.

Kitty

Eric, honey, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer? Oh, wait. It's a 20-pounder. Donna, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer?

Kitty

We can't compete with a bunch of cars. Wheels are like bosoms to men... and a car has four.

Red

So, how's your friend Janice?

Laurie

Pregnant.

Kitty

Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?

Eric

Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...

Red

Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!

Laurie

It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

Red

Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?

Kitty

Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.

Red

Eric, we're waiting!

Eric

Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.

Red

Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.

Eric

Hey Kelso, quick question. Why can't you date someone a little less annoying?

Kelso

Like who?

Eric

What about Barbara Vanson?

Kelso

Nah, she's just as annoying as Jackie.

Hyde

Yeah, but her boobs are huge.

Kelso

So?

Hyde

[opens up Playboy] Do you find that annoying?

Kelso

[laughs] ...Pam Macey! Now she's got some knockers, baby!

Hyde

True, but they're not bigger than Barbara's.

Kelso

Yeah, they are.

Eric

You're dreaming. It's like comparing... [sees Red walk in] Exodus and Deuteronomy, both of which have taught us very valuable lessons.

Red

Damn dryer's broke. Aw, nuts. I need my vicegrips.

Kelso

Have you seen Pam in a tube top? It's like looking into the Grand Tetons. In a tube top!

Hyde

Look, the issue isn't, "Are Pam's big?" Right? The issue is, "Are they bigger than Barbara's?" Because Barbara's are bigger than... [sees Kitty walk in] the walls of Jericho, which as we all know came tumbling down, right?! ...Hello, Mrs. Forman.

Kitty

Hi. Eric, did your father come down here?

Eric

Yeah, he's fixing the dryer.

Kitty

Oh, dear. You know, ever since the plant cut back his hours, he's spent all his time fixing things. Things that don't need fixing! Things I need, things I use, things I love. I gotta go hide the crockpot.

Hyde

[to Eric] Sounds like your dad is losing it.

Kelso

Geez, if he's like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...[loudly as Red walks in]...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses; turns around and sees Red behind him] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.

Red

Kelso, go home.

Kitty

So, Laurie, who are you seeing up at the college?

Laurie

Oh, I like to date around.

Eric

[coughs] Slut!

Kitty

Bless you.

Eric

Thanks, Mom.

Red

Are you on dope? Are you?

Kitty

Because, because, we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization--

Red

My foot kicking your ass.

Kitty

Oh~! Red~!

Red

Oh, Kitty~!

Eric

[sheepishly] Okay, let's go. Everybody hop in the car and let's... go now.

Kelso

Where's your mom?

Eric

[grabbing Kelso by the collar, screaming] SHUT UP! DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER!

Red

We don't think that you should go.

Kitty

New York is a dangerous place.

Red

A young man today needs a high school diploma.

Kitty

In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.

Red

Do you have any idea what the job market is like?

Kitty

The people are rude. And you have feelings.

Red

Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.

Kitty

They spit. That's right, they spit!

Red

What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?

Hyde

I'm not afraid of anything and I'm going!

Red

Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.

Red

Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget! Pork chops aren't cheap!

Kitty

Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy!

Kitty

Oh, Steven, I have a great idea: you can sell lemonade.

Hyde

Mrs. Forman, I've thrown a lot of rocks at kids with lemonade stands... and Lord knows I hate a hypocrite!

Kitty

You could have a little bake sale.

Hyde

I'd pretty much beat up any kid selling anything.

Kitty

Steven, you could just do a little table with some cookies and some brownies..

Hyde

I'm not much of -- brownies. I could make brownies because [stands] people love brownies!

Eric

No, they DON'T.

Hyde

Oh, they love my brownies!

Red

You know... I'm glad the plant is closing. It frees me up to do my own thing.

Kitty

[laughing] You said, "Do my own thing!"

Midge

Oh Red, your own thing. That's so hip!

Bob

[eating chips] I love salt.

Red

I like that word, hip. It kinda pops, you know? Hip, hip, hip. I can see my own mouth!

Kitty

You know what’s beautiful? Fruitcake. All the different colored little fruits living together in one cake.

Midge

I jumped out of a cake once.

Bob

I also like sweet, but there's just something about salt.

Red

Hip... It starts to lose its meaning after a while, you know? Hip. It's not even a word.

Kitty

[as someone knocks on the door] Oh my God, listen, you can hear my heart! Oh my God, there it is again!

Midge

No, that's someone at the door.

Bob

Maybe it's the cops.

Red

It's just someone for the garage sale. Take whatever you want! It won’t fill the hole in your life! [pause; the knocking continues] I’ll see who it is [gets up to answer the door].

Kitty

You know, for a terrible grouch, Red is great in bed.

Midge

[starts laughing] I'm sorry, what?

Red

[singing] Hippity hoppity, Easter's on its way!

Kitty

Where'd you go, Red?

Red

Well, I was hopping down the old bunny trail, and this guy offered me $200 for the Vista Cruiser. So I sold it to him.

Kitty

You sold Eric's car? Oh, no. [laughs hysterically]