[Red, Kitty, Bob, and Midge get stoned in the basement after eating Hyde's special brownies]
You know... I'm glad the plant is closing. It frees me up to do my own thing.
[laughing] You said, "Do my own thing!"
MidgeOh Red, your own thing. That's so hip!
[eating chips] I love salt.
I like that word, hip. It kinda pops, you know? Hip, hip, hip. I can see my own mouth!
You know what’s beautiful? Fruitcake. All the different colored little fruits living together in one cake.
Midge
I jumped out of a cake once.
I also like sweet, but there's just something about salt.
Hip... It starts to lose its meaning after a while, you know? Hip. It's not even a word.
[as someone knocks on the door] Oh my God, listen, you can hear my heart! Oh my God, there it is again!
Midge
No, that's someone at the door.
It's just someone for the garage sale. Take whatever you want! It won’t fill the hole in your life! [pause; the knocking continues] I’ll see who it is [gets up to answer the door].
You know, for a terrible grouch, Red is great in bed.
Midge
[starts laughing] I'm sorry, what?
[singing] Hippity hoppity, Easter's on its way!
Well, I was hopping down the old bunny trail, and this guy offered me $200 for the Vista Cruiser. So I sold it to him.
You sold Eric's car? Oh, no. [laughs hysterically]
[Donna and Midge are hanging out]
So ... here we are ... together... again.
Midge
Hmm, I'm just loving the time we spend together Donna. In my new book 'Our Mothers, Our Selves,' it says we're supposed to be friends. We should talk to each other and listen. Your stupid father never listens.
Is there anything in your book about not insulting my father?
Midge
Well I don't know, I've only read the first chapter. Oh, okay, no more talking about your father. So, how do you like the clogs I bought you?
Midge
Good! Cause your father's an ass!
[Midge and Bob recites their vows]
Midge
Bob, I'm proud and very grateful to be your wife. [camera focuses on Donna and Eric, who are sitting across the aisle from each other, and Bob and Midge read the vows. Eric flashes Donna a smile and makes an ok sign]
We've known each other since we were practically kids.
Midge
So we know all the good stuff...
...and all the not so good stuff about each other. [Donna and Eric stare at each other, as if the words Bob and Midge are speaking are really being spoken by them.]
Midge
I can't imagine feeling about anyone else the way I feel about you.
Because I love you. I always loved you. And I wanna make you a promise.
Midge
No matter what happens...
Midge
I will always love you. [Donna mouths the same words to Eric at the same time]
[Donna separately asks Kitty, Laurie, and Midge how their own first times felt]
Ok, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like?
Midge
Oh, my first time was with a guy named...your father.
My first time was with this guy named Darren. It was really special! Oh no, wait. It wasn't Darren, it was...Robert? I think, Robert!
Well, um, Red and I waited until after we were married. Like, five seconds after we were married. We said, to heck with the receiving line and hit the nearest closet!
Midge
Oh, I remember running my hands through his long blonde hair and listening to his beautiful British accent. [has a long stare, but snaps out of it] You see, because, back then your father was blonde and British!
No, no no no, not Robert. There was this guy...what was his name? Or was it his brother? It'll come to me.
Good god, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red got it off in no time! You wouldn't know it to look at him but Red's got very nimble fingers. Nimble!
Midge
I just remember it was very disappointing. And I never saw that guy again. I mean, your father. I mean, your father was the first. Don't tell your father, ok?
I wanna say Billy. But that's not right. Anyway, I just remember that he wasn't very good.
And it was just wonderful. Eventually.
[Donna faces Shelly over panties found in Eric's car]
Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
SShelly
Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
So these are some other girl's panties?!
Whoa-whoa-whoa. No offense, Donna- [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
SShelly
You know what Eric, I don't need this. [Walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are.
Midge
[walks in] Donna, [takes the panties] those panties are mine.
ERIC!! Oh, oh....[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
[sets Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
[interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!
Midge
Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places. [Kelso and Fez stand up, cringing at the thought]
SShelly
Doesn't your girlfriend mind you spending so much time with me?
Well, no. Apparently, she's thrilled about it.
SShelly
Well, she's crazy. Because if I was your girlfriend, I would wanna kiss you all the time.
[Shelly kisses Eric, who quickly breaks away]
Whoa! Hey, come on, lady! I'm spoken for! [pause; Shelly stares at him] Wow!
[Kelso and Fez run into the Hub]
Hey, did we miss anything?
What? God, no! You didn't miss anything!
[The guys see Donna walk inside]
Alright, people! Let's back up! Give 'em some room here!
Don't "Hey, Donna. Hi, hello," me! I trusted you, and you cheated on me with this slut!
Yeah, I said it! You want some of this?! Come on!
Donna, hey, whatever you think happened–
I know what happened. [holds up panties] I found these in your car!
A-ha. So he admits they are panties.
[to Shelly] Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
SShelly
Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
So these are some other girl's panties?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No offense, Donna... [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
SShelly
You know what, Eric? I don't need this. [walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Donna, look, you have to believe me. I have no idea whose panties those are.
Midge
[walks in] Donna! [takes the panties] Those panties are mine.
ERIC!! OH! OH...[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
[pulls Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
[interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!
Midge
Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places.
[Kelso and Fez stand up and cringe]
[Midge returns]
Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Midge
Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby, like now and, I guess, when she's born.
You know, Mrs. Pinciotti, in my younger days, I had quite the crush on you even though I knew nothing could ever happen. But now that I'm older, and I'm gonna be a father soon, if anything does happen, we gotta keep it quiet.
[enters room] Steven, you're late. Where.. Midge! Hey.. what a surprise. Huh. I should probably return these earrings I didn't know were yours.
[walks in with Pam] Midge, what are you doing here?
Midge
I came to see Donna. Who's the amazon?
Oh, this is my, uh, friend.
PPam
"Friend"? I don't think so. Hi, I'm Pam, the best thing that ever happened to him.
Midge
I'm Midge, the second best thing that ever happened to him.
Dad, I invited her to stay with us.
Your mom is staying with us?
No, your mom is staying with us.
Well, that's not my mom, that's your mom.
I'm confused. Who am I sleeping with?
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
