Red Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Red

Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?

Red

I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.

Red

Eric, didn't I tell you to wash up for dinner? I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.

Red

Riiight. Now I'm gonna eat this steak, but first, I'm gonna make a birthday wish. Here it is: I wish everyone would shut up!

Red

Okay Eric, I'm sorry I took your money...while I clothe you, and feed you, and put a roof over your head. Soooorry.

Red

[After finding out about Hyde being on probation] Probation? Well, isn't that just ducky? You know how Russia treats their criminals? First offense, five years in Siberia! Second offense, ten years! Believe you me, there is no third offense!

Red

[reacting to what Kitty cooked for him in light of his health problems] This isn't food – this is what food eats!

Red

Watch this! [puts whipped cream on his bald spot] Look at me. I'm Whipped Cream Head! Fear me! All fear Whipped Cream Head!!

Red

Listen, hophead! I love that woman with a FIERY PASSION...that consumes my soul! That's right. So you can either walk out of here on your own, or you can hop out of here with my foot in your ass!

Red

[enters dining room] Ah good, all the half-wits are here. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to get you. You won't know where, and you won't know when. But it will hurt. And you will cry. And I will laugh. And...did I mention it will hurt? Very good.

Red

[To Kelso] I want to kill you and mount your head on the T.V.! And if it helps me get better reception, it will do more for me then you have ever done in your life!

Red

Ooh! Eric's in a fight! No one's here! No one's gonna believe me! Why didn't I bring my camera?

Red

So, how's your friend Janice?

Laurie

Pregnant.

Kitty

Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?

Eric

Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...

Red

Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!

Laurie

It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

Red

Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?

Kitty

Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.

Red

Eric, we're waiting!

Eric

Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.

Red

Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.

Kelso

Geez, if [Red]'s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...

Kelso

[loudly]: ...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.

Red

Kelso, go home.