[The gang is heading to Vanstock. Kelso and Laurie are in the forward section of the van]
So, you wanna shift?
It's an automatic.
I know.
[jumps out from behind the curtain] Surprise!
AAAAAAAHHHH!
S2 E6Vanstock
[Red fantasizes a scene in the manner of a soap opera]
AAnnouncer
And now, another episode of Point Place.
My god Kitty. What have I become?
I don't know. You're not the man I married! And I'm not Kitty.
[faces her] What are you saying?
I am Kitty. But I am leaving you for Dr. Cloak. Or should I say, [faces camera] Eric's real father.
But why?
He has a job. What do you have, Red Forman? What do you have?
[dramatically bites his fist] I've got nothing. [Kitty cries] Dear God. Will I ever work again? [puts his face in his hands, sobs, and peers through his fingers.]
[Cuts to Red sitting in the kitchen, Kitty enters]
Penny for your thoughts.
Well, one thing I'm thinkin' - I've gotta stop watchin' the damn soaps.
S2 E7I Love Cake
How do you do that?
Do what?
You always make me feel better.
Uhm, well thank you.
I love you, Eric.
I love... cake.
[Jackie introduces a leather-jacketed Kelso to Hyde and Fez]
Ummm...may I have your attention please?! I would like to introduce to you all the new Michael Kelso! [applauds as Kelso runs up the driveway]
Yeah..sooo, what do you think?! Yeah, Jackie says it makes me look like Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones. [mimics Brando voice] Yeah, I'm so Brando!
Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie!
What are you even saying?
I think you know what I'm saying... [imitating Fonzie] 'EYYY!!
Jackie, did you dress me up like the Fonz?
No Michael, I did not dress you up like the Fonz! Although, I mean, I like the Fonz you know he's kinda...
Fez?! Fonz, yes or no?
Well you know me Kelso, I just want you to be happy.
Thank you Fez!
Now, if I could just have a moment of your time...?
Sure!
Good, yes. Okay a gang of thugs has taken over Arnold's! Help us Fonzie, you are our only hope!
I can't believe you guys! Here I am, as Brando as can be, and you guys can't even see that! Well you can both just...
Sit on it? [Kelso runs off, with Jackie following him]
S2 E8Sleepover
So, do you like photos, man?
Yeah, man. Sure.
Okay, you got the job, man.
Just like that? You don't need to interview anyone else?
No one else showed up, man.
So, what do I do here, anyway?
Well, I don't expect a lot, man. Like, pretty much, if the hut doesn't burn down, it's been a good day. And even if it burnt down, man, it's cool, 'cause I got three or four more of these little huts somewhere. Hey, listen. If you see one of these huts, could you give me a call, man?
Or even better, I could take a picture.
Whoa, a picture of a Photo Hut. Hey, that'd be like art or something, huh. Hey, listen, man. Hope you don't mind if I pay you in cash. I don't like big brother gettin' into my business, you dig.
Man, keeping the government out of it. I'm so with you.
No, my big brother, man. He's always hittin' me up for money.
Oh, 'cause you're the responsible one?
Yeah, it's my curse, man. Hey, listen. I gotta go, uh, do a thing at, uh, a place.
Yeah, man, I hear that. So, want me to lock up when I'm done?
Lock up? Wow, that's a great idea, man. Hey, you're one of those idea men, aren't ya, man?
Yeah, maybe some day you'll be working for me, huh.
Really? Oh, that'd be cool, man. Hey, but can I have Saturday night off? Cool!
So where's Donna, man?
Donna? Donna? Oh! You mean that girl who spent last night in my bed?
Yeah, yeah, that's the one.
She went home this morning.
So? Ah? Ah? Soooo?
So let's just say she went home a very happy woman.
S2 E9Eric Gets Suspended
[Eric is being punished for "smoking." Red has him sweeping out the garage. Bob blames Eric for Donna failing English.]
Well, that's kind of stupid, Bob.
Well, I guess the truth hurts.
So does a swift kick in the ass.
All right, I'm going. But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything, Forman!
I gotta disagree, Bob!
Uh, Dad... thanks for...
KEEP SWEEPING, SMOKER!
Forman's first suspension... I'm so proud.
Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended?
Because he's stupid.
[terrified] They can do that?
S2 E10Red's Birthday
[Red is asked to make a birthday wish on his night out with Kitty. Bob and Midge are also present, with their own dates]
Riiight. Now I'm gonna eat this steak, but first, I'm gonna make a birthday wish. Here it is: I wish everyone would shut up!
Say it.
I do not keep secrets from you.
Again.
I do not keep secrets from you.
Again.
I do not keep secrets from you.
Aiiii SHUT UP! I am going insane! Kelso, if you want to possess a woman, this is what you need to do [takes Jackies hand] I as a mortal, am not worthy of your love, you are a goddess, and I worship you. And I dedicate every moment of my waking life to your joy...
[takes Jackie's hand] Okay, what he said!
Oh Michael! [kisses Michael while Fez wears Stupid Helmet and hits the table]
S2 E11Laurie Moves Out
[While in the circle] But I was just amusing myself, you know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.
Unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off. It's almost Tuesday, right?
[while in the circle] Man, I'm having a horrible day. Laurie's gone, and now Jackie's all suspicious of me. And I'm getting no lovin'. None! I can't be me without lovin'!
Kelso... if you wanna keep Jackie, man–and trust me, you don't–you gotta act innocent. Okay? Let's practice. So, did you fool around with Laurie?
You know I did!
Dumbass! No, man! Complete denial! Watergate, learn! [sighs] ...Did you fool around with Laurie?
Yeah. Wait, no! I mean, no! Wait, I mean... yeah? Oh, see, this isn't gonna work!
[Red has just come home, having discovered that Laurie is living in sin with a man. He is furious.]
Damn it all to hell!
Honey, what's wrong?
"What's wrong?" EVERYTHING is wrong! These damn kids today, they wouldn't know responsibility if it walked up and BIT 'EM IN THE ASS! "Get a job?" HA! It's just party all night, dance all day, and sex everywhere in between! SICKENING! [leaves the kitchen]
[unfazed] Laurie's living with a boy?
Yes.
Just... just one boy, right?
Yeah, I think so.
Well now, see, it could've been worse.
S2 E12Eric's Stash
[The guys are putting in a new water heater]
This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.
Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?
Because he had a smart mouth?
That's right.
[Red has admitted getting Eric's Candy Land money stash to buy a new water heater]
Okay Eric, I'm sorry I took your money...while I clothe you, and feed you, and put a roof over your head. Soooorry.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.