Steven Hyde quotes from That '70s Show

Hyde

The three true branches of the government are: military, corporate and Hollywood.

Hyde

Oh, I know! It's tongue! [Kitty says nothing; to Eric] It's tongue.

Hyde

No offense, Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.

Hyde

Eric, it is time.

Eric

Why don't you do it?

Hyde

It's your house.

Kelso

Your house!

Hyde

[points upward] Listen to them up there. The party has reached critical mass. In ten minutes, there will be no more beer opportunities.

Eric

If my dad catches me copping beers, he'll kill me!

Hyde

I'm willing to take that risk.

Kelso

Don't worry about it! Just remain calm, keep moving...

Donna

And above all, don't get sucked into my dad's hair.

Eric

What's wrong with your dad's hair?

Donna

Just don't look at it.

Hyde

[grabs Eric's face] And Eric: Cold. Definitely cold.

Fez

[seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!

Kelso

Hello Laurie.

Laurie

Hello Kelso, Hyde.

Fez

Who is the goddess?

Kelso

The goddess is Eric's sister.

Hyde

She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

Jackie

I'm waiting.

Hyde

Just say it and she'll go home.

Eric

Fine. [pause] You know, you're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee. [winces]

Jackie

Thank you!

Eric

Hey Kelso, quick question. Why can't you date someone a little less annoying?

Kelso

Like who?

Eric

What about Barbara Vanson?

Kelso

Nah, she's just as annoying as Jackie.

Hyde

Yeah, but her boobs are huge.

Kelso

So?

Hyde

[opens up Playboy] Do you find that annoying?

Kelso

[laughs] ...Pam Macey! Now she's got some knockers, baby!

Hyde

True, but they're not bigger than Barbara's.

Kelso

Yeah, they are.

Eric

You're dreaming. It's like comparing... [sees Red walk in] Exodus and Deuteronomy, both of which have taught us very valuable lessons.

Red

Damn dryer's broke. Aw, nuts. I need my vicegrips.

Kelso

Have you seen Pam in a tube top? It's like looking into the Grand Tetons. In a tube top!

Hyde

Look, the issue isn't, "Are Pam's big?" Right? The issue is, "Are they bigger than Barbara's?" Because Barbara's are bigger than... [sees Kitty walk in] the walls of Jericho, which as we all know came tumbling down, right?! ...Hello, Mrs. Forman.

Kitty

Hi. Eric, did your father come down here?

Eric

Yeah, he's fixing the dryer.

Kitty

Oh, dear. You know, ever since the plant cut back his hours, he's spent all his time fixing things. Things that don't need fixing! Things I need, things I use, things I love. I gotta go hide the crockpot.

Hyde

[to Eric] Sounds like your dad is losing it.

Kelso

Geez, if he's like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...[loudly as Red walks in]...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses; turns around and sees Red behind him] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.

Red

Kelso, go home.

Kelso

Donna beat you in basketball?

Fez

Is this true, Eric?

Eric

Yeah. What? Is that a big deal?

Hyde

Of course not. Unless Donna happens to be... you know... a girl! [chuckles]

Kelso

Especially a girl you love!

Fez

You know, in my country, if a woman beats you it makes her want you.

Eric

Really?

Fez

Yes. But this is America, wuss.

Kelso

Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss...

Hyde

Kelso! KELSO! Would you stop that? ...Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss!

Eric

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What about Kelso? I mean, Jackie has him totally whipped.

Fez

Whipped like the family pig.

Kelso

I am not pig-whipped. Where do you even get that stuff?

Hyde

Are you kidding? "Michael, call me at 8:00!"

Eric

"Michael, do your Chico impression!"

Fez

"Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you!"

Fez

...Please someone else talk now.

Ricky

Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?

Eric

Well, I'm a real people person.

Hyde

I don't answer stupid questions.

Fez

I speak Dutch.

Kelso

My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

Ricky

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Eric

Fatso Burger.

Fez

Covered in gold chains.

Kelso

Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.

Hyde

Prison.

Eric

Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.

Kelso

[quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that's 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...

Hyde

No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe.

Kelso

True.

Hyde

Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.

Kelso

So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that's 224 bucks.

Hyde

Cash.

Kelso

Which is...

Decent!

Hyde

You know, I thought about it... and I’m going to the disco. Just on the off-chance that they might mix up a little rock ‘n roll, man.

Kelso

Yeah, well I have something to say. I went to the mall today... and I bought a pair of new shoes... and they're the coolest kicks in the cave!

Eric

So, no more for Kelso. He's toasted!

Fez

I would like some toast if you're making some. Or food of any kind would be good. I am starving!

Hyde

Oh! I read somewhere that there are these people in India who fast, man! Yeah. [laughs] And their minds are so advanced, they can actually think themselves to death, man!

Kelso

Well... I hope I'm not doing that right now. My mind's always doing things that I don't even know about.

Eric

Man, we always think of so many brilliant things down here! But then later, I can't remember any of them! I mean, they're brilliant, man!

Fez

...Someone go make toast right now.

Hyde

Hey, we should record our conversation, man. Yeah! Then we can play it back and write it down! I'll bet that's how the writers at National Lampoon do it!

Kelso

[laughs] Yeah, well... I read somewhere that there's these people in France!

Hyde

What do they do?

Kelso

You see, they're incredibly... French!

Eric

See, that's brilliant, man! I'm gettin' the tape recorder! [gets up and leaves the circle]

Fez

Where's my toast, you idiots?!

Fez

I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.

Hyde

It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!

Eric

Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?

Kelso

Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!

Hyde

Hey Donna, you wanna talk?

Kelso

I guess she didn't take it well.

Red

Take what well? [looks at Kelso]

Kelso

[smiles] Eric made out with Kate.

Red

Anything else?

Fez

Your son is a whore!

Eric

I'd call Red, but I feel safer in jail.

Fez

I... uh, don't know my phone number.

Hyde

I can't call Edna, man. It's poker night.

Kelso

No offense, but isn't every night [nudges Hyde] "poker night" for Edna?