[Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]
SKSleazy Kid
You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?
BobAndrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]
So, a real wiseguy, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!
SKSleazy Kid
Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.
Bob
I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.
Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.
[Eric, Bob and Laurie are at a pharmacy. Bob is picking up some medication for his daughter Donna.]
PPharmacist
[reading package] "Pinciotti, Donna. OrthoNovum."
Bob Pinciotti
...Ortho-what?
PPharmacist
OrthoNovum. Birth control pills.
[Upon hearing this, Eric tenses up, looks back in terror at an incensed Bob, then panickingly bolts out of the pharmacy. Bob then looks at the camera with his hands on his cheeks and his mouth agape.]
[Eric seeks advice from Red and Bob about fighting David because he is hitting on Donna]
The bridge of the nose, it's very vulnerable.
Bob
Oh, and hit him with a banjo.
[exasperated] A banjo, Bob?
Bob
Yeah.
Where is he gonna get a banjo?
Bob
I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down!
Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. [to Eric] You can hit him in the groin.
Bob
You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.
[Red, Kitty, Bob, and Midge get stoned in the basement after eating Hyde's special brownies]
You know... I'm glad the plant is closing. It frees me up to do my own thing.
[laughing] You said, "Do my own thing!"
Oh Red, your own thing. That's so hip!
Bob
[eating chips] I love salt.
I like that word, hip. It kinda pops, you know? Hip, hip, hip. I can see my own mouth!
You know what’s beautiful? Fruitcake. All the different colored little fruits living together in one cake.
I jumped out of a cake once.
Bob
I also like sweet, but there's just something about salt.
Hip... It starts to lose its meaning after a while, you know? Hip. It's not even a word.
[as someone knocks on the door] Oh my God, listen, you can hear my heart! Oh my God, there it is again!
No, that's someone at the door.
Bob
Maybe it's the cops.
It's just someone for the garage sale. Take whatever you want! It won’t fill the hole in your life! [pause; the knocking continues] I’ll see who it is [gets up to answer the door].
You know, for a terrible grouch, Red is great in bed.
[starts laughing] I'm sorry, what?
[singing] Hippity hoppity, Easter's on its way!
Well, I was hopping down the old bunny trail, and this guy offered me $200 for the Vista Cruiser. So I sold it to him.
You sold Eric's car? Oh, no. [laughs hysterically]
[Eric is being punished for "smoking." Red has him sweeping out the garage. Bob blames Eric for Donna failing English.]
Well, that's kind of stupid, Bob.
Bob
Well, I guess the truth hurts.
So does a swift kick in the ass.
Bob
All right, I'm going. But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything, Forman!
[Midge and Bob recites their vows]
Bob, I'm proud and very grateful to be your wife. [camera focuses on Donna and Eric, who are sitting across the aisle from each other, and Bob and Midge read the vows. Eric flashes Donna a smile and makes an ok sign]
Bob
We've known each other since we were practically kids.
So we know all the good stuff...
Bob
...and all the not so good stuff about each other. [Donna and Eric stare at each other, as if the words Bob and Midge are speaking are really being spoken by them.]
I can't imagine feeling about anyone else the way I feel about you.
Bob
Because I love you. I always loved you. And I wanna make you a promise.
No matter what happens...
Bob
Good or bad...
I will always love you. [Donna mouths the same words to Eric at the same time]
Bob
Hey, there kids, where've you two been?
God, Dad, can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of accusations? I mean, God, it was just a minute!
To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.
[A man goes up to a dark room in the Formans' house, where Fez is. He tries to scare off the man using a camera's flash, but Hyde opens the light. The mysterious man is actually Bob.]
You can't kill me like you killed Midge, you big doofy!
Bob
Kill Midge? I didn't kill Midge. She's in Chicago visiting her sister.
Oh, really. Then what was in the heavy garbage sacks?
Bob
Garbage, you idiot.
Oh, well I guess that explains the giant knife, the guts all over your apron. Oh, wait, no it doesn't!
Bob
They were pumpkin guts. I was making Jack-o'-lanterns.
So, you're hiding Midge's body in a jack-o'-lantern. Clever plan.
Bob
[walks over to the window] Look, there's Midge now. Not dead or nothing. [Fez sees Midge getting undressed]
Oh goody! You can go now.
Bob
Midgey! No! Cover yourself!
[notices Bob in his driveway] Need something, Bob?
Bob
Well, it's a funny thing. The wife and I are taking out a second mortgage on the house. ...Well, that's not the funny part, 'cause we're pretty much destitute.
It's a little bit funny, Bob.
Bob
Anyways, I'm looking at the deed to the property, and the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway, and a little bit of your garage.
How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
Bob
I wouldn't to be quite honest.
[Kitty and Red are sleeping and wake up upon hearing "We wish you a Merry Christmas"]
Its the Russians! [Red looks out the window]
Oh, jeez. [opens window] Bob!
Bob
Hey there! Hi there! Ho ho ho there!
Bob, it's midnight! Turn that crap of!
Bob
What would I do that for?! Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus! I know what I want for Christmas!
Bob
I'm not sober!
[Red, Kitty, Bob and Joanne are playing Monopoly in the Formans' basement when the tornado is called off. Red folds up the Monopoly board.]
Bob
A tie? We had all the money!
We had the "Get Out of Jail Free" card! And you can't put a price on freedom, Bob.
Bob
And then I told Donna she was grounded, and she said no.
Bob
I need your help, Red. I gotta get Donna away from that guy.
Oh, Dad. You know what's good? Threaten her with the ol' foot in the ass.
[in response to Donna dating Casey Kelso] Y'know, that Casey. How can such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a, a, a big scar or an eyepatch so you can recognize them.
Bob
The problem is, you know there's a, a point where your kids realize you can't do nothing to control them.
No, now stop listening. Bob, I don't want to get involved. I've got enough problems with the 14 kids who think they live here now.
[Midge returns]
Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby, like now and, I guess, when she's born.
You know, Mrs. Pinciotti, in my younger days, I had quite the crush on you even though I knew nothing could ever happen. But now that I'm older, and I'm gonna be a father soon, if anything does happen, we gotta keep it quiet.
[enters room] Steven, you're late. Where.. Midge! Hey.. what a surprise. Huh. I should probably return these earrings I didn't know were yours.
Bob
[walks in with Pam] Midge, what are you doing here?
I came to see Donna. Who's the amazon?
Bob
Oh, this is my, uh, friend.
PPam
"Friend"? I don't think so. Hi, I'm Pam, the best thing that ever happened to him.
I'm Midge, the second best thing that ever happened to him.
Dad, I invited her to stay with us.
Your mom is staying with us?
No, your mom is staying with us.
Well, that's not my mom, that's your mom.
Bob
I'm confused. Who am I sleeping with?
[At a veterans' reunion, Red is flustered that Leo is actually a World War II veteran despite his hippie appearance]
I can't believe Leo is a veteran. I don't know whether to like him a little more or like myself a little less.
Bob
Red, this was supposed to be your special night. We should be the ones over there getting free drinks.
Bob
I spent all my money on this costume.
[walks up to Leo] So Leo, what exactly did you do in the war? I mean, just besides drive a supply truck.
VVeteran
Just drive a supply truck?! Leo, did you tell them what you did?
VVeteran
You gotta tell 'm!
All right. I peed on Jane Fonda.
VVeteran
Leo here drove his truck right into a German tank formation and rescued an entire platoon.
Bob
Really?!
VVeteran
Didn't you get a medal for that?
Yeah. I forget what it was called, but it was shaped like a purple heart.
Damn Leo. I'm impressed [shakes Leo's hand] From one veteran to another, I'd like to buy you a drink.
Actually, I like to buy you a drink.
Bob
I'll take a drink.
Sorry. This round is for men who fought for Uncle Sam, not spent the war hiding in their Uncle Sam's house.
Hey man, even if he didn't see action, he still deserves a drink.
Bartender, one Shirley Temple!
Bob
[unaware that the gang, consisting of Donna, Hyde, Fez and Randy are attempting to 'kidnap' Fatso the Clown, the mascot for Fatso Burger, attempts to order from the drive through of the fast food joint] What's Cookin', Fatso?
[hiding behind the Fatso statue] Uhm... [in American accent] Welcome to Fatso burger.
Bob
I'll have a uh, big fatso combo with extra secret sauce.
Would you like apple pie with that?
Bob
Sure.
And the extra large soda for 10 cents more?
Bob
OK.
Oh, And onion rings are free with all that.
Bob
I'll take 'em.
So let me read that back. One big Fatso combo with extra sauce, an apple pie, extra large soda and one onion rings.
Bob
You got it!
Bob
What? Then why did you take my order?
Thank you please drive away.
Bob
But I'm hungry!
Bob
I had pizza for lunch!
WELL WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?!
Bob
GO TO HELL, FATSO!
[in regular accent] SEE YOU THERE LARD ASS! [Bob drives away angry as Randy, Donna and Hyde come out from hiding]
That was awesome. Bob just got into a fight with a ceramic clown.
Believe it or not it wasn't the first time.
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
