Michael Kelso quotes from That '70s Show

Kelso

I went to the mall today... and I bought a pair of new shoes [pause] and they're the coolest kicks in the cave.

Kelso

A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.

Kelso

My brother's not that bad, okay? He taught us lot of good, useful stuff about chicks; like, the bigger the boobs, the smaller the brain. That's a timeless truth.

Kelso

No, but I want a peanut butter and banana-[sees Hyde and Jackie; laughs] Why is Hyde kissing Jackie? [sees Eric and Donna's stares] What the hell? He's dead! [tries to walk out of kitchen]

Kelso

That's a burn about a burn, that's a second-degree burn.

Kelso

[repeated line] You know what your problem is? I'm too good looking.

Kelso

I can't believe it's our last circle together. Wait... Oh! Now I know why we called it a circle! Thats freaking awesome!

Fez

I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?

Jackie

Michael, who is this guy?

Kelso

Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.

Jackie

What did we exchange for him?

Hyde

Eric, it is time.

Eric

Why don't you do it?

Hyde

It's your house.

Kelso

Your house!

Hyde

[points upward] Listen to them up there. The party has reached critical mass. In ten minutes, there will be no more beer opportunities.

Eric

If my dad catches me copping beers, he'll kill me!

Hyde

I'm willing to take that risk.

Kelso

Don't worry about it! Just remain calm, keep moving...

Donna

And above all, don't get sucked into my dad's hair.

Eric

What's wrong with your dad's hair?

Donna

Just don't look at it.

Hyde

[grabs Eric's face] And Eric: Cold. Definitely cold.

Fez

[seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!

Kelso

Hello Laurie.

Laurie

Hello Kelso, Hyde.

Fez

Who is the goddess?

Kelso

The goddess is Eric's sister.

Hyde

She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

Kelso

Geez, if [Red]'s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...

Kelso

[loudly]: ...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.

Red

Kelso, go home.

Eric

Hey Kelso, quick question. Why can't you date someone a little less annoying?

Kelso

Like who?

Eric

What about Barbara Vanson?

Kelso

Nah, she's just as annoying as Jackie.

Hyde

Yeah, but her boobs are huge.

Kelso

So?

Hyde

[opens up Playboy] Do you find that annoying?

Kelso

[laughs] ...Pam Macey! Now she's got some knockers, baby!

Hyde

True, but they're not bigger than Barbara's.

Kelso

Yeah, they are.

Eric

You're dreaming. It's like comparing... [sees Red walk in] Exodus and Deuteronomy, both of which have taught us very valuable lessons.

Red

Damn dryer's broke. Aw, nuts. I need my vicegrips.

Kelso

Have you seen Pam in a tube top? It's like looking into the Grand Tetons. In a tube top!

Hyde

Look, the issue isn't, "Are Pam's big?" Right? The issue is, "Are they bigger than Barbara's?" Because Barbara's are bigger than... [sees Kitty walk in] the walls of Jericho, which as we all know came tumbling down, right?! ...Hello, Mrs. Forman.

Kitty

Hi. Eric, did your father come down here?

Eric

Yeah, he's fixing the dryer.

Kitty

Oh, dear. You know, ever since the plant cut back his hours, he's spent all his time fixing things. Things that don't need fixing! Things I need, things I use, things I love. I gotta go hide the crockpot.

Hyde

[to Eric] Sounds like your dad is losing it.

Kelso

Geez, if he's like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...[loudly as Red walks in]...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses; turns around and sees Red behind him] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.

Red

Kelso, go home.

Kelso

Donna beat you in basketball?

Fez

Is this true, Eric?

Eric

Yeah. What? Is that a big deal?

Hyde

Of course not. Unless Donna happens to be... you know... a girl! [chuckles]

Kelso

Especially a girl you love!

Fez

You know, in my country, if a woman beats you it makes her want you.

Eric

Really?

Fez

Yes. But this is America, wuss.

Kelso

Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss...

Hyde

Kelso! KELSO! Would you stop that? ...Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss!

Eric

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What about Kelso? I mean, Jackie has him totally whipped.

Fez

Whipped like the family pig.

Kelso

I am not pig-whipped. Where do you even get that stuff?

Hyde

Are you kidding? "Michael, call me at 8:00!"

Eric

"Michael, do your Chico impression!"

Fez

"Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you!"

Fez

...Please someone else talk now.

Ricky

Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?

Eric

Well, I'm a real people person.

Hyde

I don't answer stupid questions.

Fez

I speak Dutch.

Kelso

My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

Ricky

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Eric

Fatso Burger.

Fez

Covered in gold chains.

Kelso

Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.

Hyde

Prison.