I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?
Michael, who is this guy?
Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.
What did we exchange for him?
S1 E1That '70s Pilot
A car is not a bedroom on wheels.
[First lines of the series, in May 1976]
Eric, it is time.
Why don't you do it?
It's your house.
Your house!
[points upward] Listen to them up there. The party has reached critical mass. In ten minutes, there will be no more beer opportunities.
If my dad catches me copping beers, he'll kill me!
I'm willing to take that risk.
Don't worry about it! Just remain calm, keep moving...
And above all, don't get sucked into my dad's hair.
What's wrong with your dad's hair?
Just don't look at it.
[grabs Eric's face] And Eric: Cold. Definitely cold.
[Eric nods. Hyde pats him on the shoulder. Eric begins to run up the stairs. He pauses, looks back down, and continues]
S1 E2Eric's Birthday
[seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!
Hello Laurie.
Hello Kelso, Hyde.
Who is the goddess?
The goddess is Eric's sister.
She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.
So, how's your friend Janice?
Pregnant.
Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?
Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...
Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!
It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.
S1 E3Streaking
Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?
Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.
Eric, we're waiting!
Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.
Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.
[At the Ford campaign rally, Red stammers, but recovers after seeing a masked Eric streak]
Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?
S1 E4Battle of the Sexists
I'm waiting.
Just say it and she'll go home.
Fine. [pause] You know, you're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee. [winces]
Thank you!
[The guys have been talking about women and their physical features, but whenever Red walks by, they switch to talking about the Bible.]
Geez, if [Red]'s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...
[Red walks in]
[loudly]: ...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.
Kelso, go home.
[The guys have been talking about women and their physical features, but whenever Red and Kitty walk by, they switch to talking about the Bible.]
Hey Kelso, quick question. Why can't you date someone a little less annoying?
Like who?
What about Barbara Vanson?
Nah, she's just as annoying as Jackie.
Yeah, but her boobs are huge.
So?
[opens up Playboy] Do you find that annoying?
[laughs] ...Pam Macey! Now she's got some knockers, baby!
True, but they're not bigger than Barbara's.
Yeah, they are.
You're dreaming. It's like comparing... [sees Red walk in] Exodus and Deuteronomy, both of which have taught us very valuable lessons.
Damn dryer's broke. Aw, nuts. I need my vicegrips.
[The guys wait until Red leaves]
Have you seen Pam in a tube top? It's like looking into the Grand Tetons. In a tube top!
Look, the issue isn't, "Are Pam's big?" Right? The issue is, "Are they bigger than Barbara's?" Because Barbara's are bigger than... [sees Kitty walk in] the walls of Jericho, which as we all know came tumbling down, right?! ...Hello, Mrs. Forman.
Hi. Eric, did your father come down here?
Yeah, he's fixing the dryer.
Oh, dear. You know, ever since the plant cut back his hours, he's spent all his time fixing things. Things that don't need fixing! Things I need, things I use, things I love. I gotta go hide the crockpot.
[The guys wait until Kitty leaves]
[to Eric] Sounds like your dad is losing it.
Geez, if he's like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...[loudly as Red walks in]...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses; turns around and sees Red behind him] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.
Kelso, go home.
Donna beat you in basketball?
Is this true, Eric?
Yeah. What? Is that a big deal?
Of course not. Unless Donna happens to be... you know... a girl! [chuckles]
Especially a girl you love!
You know, in my country, if a woman beats you it makes her want you.
Really?
Yes. But this is America, wuss.
Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss...
Kelso! KELSO! Would you stop that? ...Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What about Kelso? I mean, Jackie has him totally whipped.
Whipped like the family pig.
I am not pig-whipped. Where do you even get that stuff?
[The guys start impersonating Jackie]
Are you kidding? "Michael, call me at 8:00!"
"Michael, do your Chico impression!"
"Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you!"
[The guys stare at Fez and say nothing]
...Please someone else talk now.
S1 E5Eric's Burger Job
Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?
Well, I'm a real people person.
I don't answer stupid questions.
I speak Dutch.
My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Fatso Burger.
Covered in gold chains.
Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.
Prison.
S1 E6The Keg
Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.
[quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that's 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...
No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe.
True.
Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.
So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that's 224 bucks.
Cash.
Which is...
KHKelso and Hyde
Decent!
[Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]
SKSleazy Kid
You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?
Andrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]
So, a real wiseguy, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!
SKSleazy Kid
Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.
I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.
Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.