Jackie Burkhart quotes from That '70s Show

Jackie

I understand. Everybody wants their first makeout to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World.

Fez

I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?

Jackie

Michael, who is this guy?

Kelso

Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.

Jackie

What did we exchange for him?

Jackie

I'm waiting.

Hyde

Just say it and she'll go home.

Eric

Fine. [pause] You know, you're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee. [winces]

Jackie

Thank you!

Kelso

I miss Eric.

Jackie

Well, you still have me.

Kelso

It's not the same, Jackie! I can talk to Eric about things that... that I can't talk about with you.

Jackie

OK, well like what?

Kelso

Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.

Jackie

MICHAEL!

Kelso

See, I can't talk to you.

Jackie

I can't believe you, Michael.

Kelso

What?

Jackie

You can't just maul me in front of my father!

Kelso

I bet he didn't even notice.

Jackie

He yelled at you to stop it.

Kelso

I thought he was yelling at you.

Jackie

Look, I need to talk to someone. I can really use a friend right now.

Eric

Okay then well, good luck with that.

Jackie

Well, I have a date too.

Kelso

Who is he? What's his name?

Jackie

His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every conceivable way.

Kelso

Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!

Eric

Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!

Fez

This is the proudest moment of my life.

Hyde

It doesn't look like a pot leaf.

Kelso

What?

Hyde

It looks like a hand giving the finger.

Kelso

It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde, it's art.

Hyde

Get up and make it better!

Kelso

Fine!

Hyde

Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]

Jackie

[Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]

Hyde

Hey, Kelso!

Kelso

[weakly] Yeah?

Hyde

How's it look from down there?!

Kelso

It looks like it's giving me the finger!

Donna

Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?

Jackie

Um, cheerleading camp.

Fez

So you're telling me, if were to go to up to someone's house and say "trick or treat!" they would give me a free piece of candy?

YES!!!

Fez

Oh I don't believe you!

Fez

Trick or treat! [person drops an apple into Fez' bag] An apple? Where's my candy you son of a bitch?!

Kelso

So, you wanna shift?

Laurie

It's an automatic.

Kelso

I know.

Jackie

[jumps out from behind the curtain] Surprise!

Kelso

AAAAAAAHHHH!

Jackie

Ummm...may I have your attention please?! I would like to introduce to you all the new Michael Kelso! [applauds as Kelso runs up the driveway]

Kelso

Yeah..sooo, what do you think?! Yeah, Jackie says it makes me look like Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones. [mimics Brando voice] Yeah, I'm so Brando!

Hyde

Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie!

Kelso

What are you even saying?

Hyde

I think you know what I'm saying... [imitating Fonzie] 'EYYY!!

Kelso

Jackie, did you dress me up like the Fonz?

Jackie

No Michael, I did not dress you up like the Fonz! Although, I mean, I like the Fonz you know he's kinda...

Kelso

Fez?! Fonz, yes or no?

Fez

Well you know me Kelso, I just want you to be happy.

Kelso

Thank you Fez!

Fez

Now, if I could just have a moment of your time...?

Kelso

Sure!

Fez

Good, yes. Okay a gang of thugs has taken over Arnold's! Help us Fonzie, you are our only hope!

Kelso

I can't believe you guys! Here I am, as Brando as can be, and you guys can't even see that! Well you can both just...

Hyde

Sit on it? [Kelso runs off, with Jackie following him]

Jackie

Say it.

Kelso

I do not keep secrets from you.

Jackie

Again.

Kelso

I do not keep secrets from you.

Jackie

Again.

Kelso

I do not keep secrets from you.

Fez

Aiiii SHUT UP! I am going insane! Kelso, if you want to possess a woman, this is what you need to do [takes Jackies hand] I as a mortal, am not worthy of your love, you are a goddess, and I worship you. And I dedicate every moment of my waking life to your joy...

Kelso

[takes Jackie's hand] Okay, what he said!

Jackie

Oh Michael! [kisses Michael while Fez wears Stupid Helmet and hits the table]

Donna

Actually, Kelso. You know what really makes you horny? Beets.

Kelso

Yeah, right.

Eric

Nah, it's true, I saw it on 60 Minutes, man. Beet farmers with like, ten, 15 kids.

Kelso

Man, how's come everything that's good for you always tastes so bad? [gets can opener and tries to open can of beets] I'm trying it!

Kitty

[enters kitchen] Michael, honey, don't eat our beets! [gets can]

Jackie

You know, Michael, Mrs. Forman's right. You're horny enough as it is. Sometimes, I wish you had two girlfriends. [gang looks at her]

Kelso

Oh my God, are you serious?

Jackie

What?

Kelso

Nothing!

Donna

Jackie, you are so totally hot for him. I can see it in your eyes.

Jackie

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I like Fez? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! [runs off]