Hey, there kids, where've you two been?
God, Dad, can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of accusations? I mean, God, it was just a minute!
To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.
“Afterglow” · Season 2, Episode 17
In this episode: Eric Forman (2), Donna Pinciotti (2), Michael Kelso (1), Steven Hyde (1), Fez (1), Kitty Forman (1), Laurie Forman (1), Bob Pinciotti (1)
[Donna separately asks Kitty, Laurie, and Midge how their own first times felt]
Ok, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like?
Oh, my first time was with a guy named...your father.
My first time was with this guy named Darren. It was really special! Oh no, wait. It wasn't Darren, it was...Robert? I think, Robert!
Well, um, Red and I waited until after we were married. Like, five seconds after we were married. We said, to heck with the receiving line and hit the nearest closet!
Oh, I remember running my hands through his long blonde hair and listening to his beautiful British accent. [has a long stare, but snaps out of it] You see, because, back then your father was blonde and British!
No, no no no, not Robert. There was this guy...what was his name? Or was it his brother? It'll come to me.
Good god, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red got it off in no time! You wouldn't know it to look at him but Red's got very nimble fingers. Nimble!
I just remember it was very disappointing. And I never saw that guy again. I mean, your father. I mean, your father was the first. Don't tell your father, ok?
I wanna say Billy. But that's not right. Anyway, I just remember that he wasn't very good.
And it was just wonderful. Eventually.
Look, man. If God had meant for virgins to lose it to other virgins, he wouldn't have given us middle-aged hookers, man!
Amen, brother! Because if there's one thing men like us know, it's how to have sex. ...Oh, I cannot live with this lie. Everyone, prepare to be shocked. I, Fez...am still a virgin.
[sarcastically] Gosh, my world no longer makes sense. Fine, Hyde. But now that the middle-aged hooker ship has sailed, what am I supposed to do?
Well, I know I got a lot better when I started making out with your sister. I got it! You should make out with my sister!
Kelso, man, I've seen your sister. She's a virgin, and she's gonna be for a long time.
Hyde, what are you saying?
Well, I think he's saying... "Moooo!"
Okay, maybe you did not hear me. Fez, the man you all revere... has still not had sex.
Yeah, heard you the first time. Forman, you've gotta figure out what you're doin' wrong, man. And fast. You know what women call guys who are lame in the sack? Just friends.
Yeah, but you can't let the pressure get to you. I mean, don't think about how embarrassing it'd be if you tried, and you couldn't. How she'd stare at you with those cruel black eyes. As if to say... "You're not really a man, Michael! YOU'RE NOT A MAN AT ALL!"
[pause] O...kay. Well, this has been... really helpful, guys.
Alright, you called my bluff. I am not really a virgin. [chuckles] ...Yes, I am.
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