That '70s Show · Season 4
[A little kid punches the Alternate Eric at Donna and Hyde's wedding]
Ow!
Oh, oh, Jake, honey, honey. Be nice to your big brother. He's not strong like you.
Brother? What the hell?
Your parents finally had the son they always wanted.
Now, son, what do we call Eric?
Dumbass!
There's my boy! [Red and Kitty laugh]
[at the Point Place 1988 high-school reunion]
[hears real-life version of himself, who just witnessed the alternate Eric and Donna admit their feelings] Oh, wait a minute. You actually had a relationship with Donna?
Wait, I thought you said he couldn't hear me.
I'm loose with the rules, so sue me.
No, seriously, you had Donna?
Look, we broke up. You're much better off.
Says you! Look at me. I'm 28 years old! I've only had sex with Big Rhonda, and all three times, believe me, she did not look like that! [Points to Big Rhonda, who has a very sexy body]
Idiot. You're sad you were never with Donna? Well, you got off light, man! I had her and I lost her, and believe me, you don't wanna know how bad that hurts! [storms out of reunion hall]
So, you're an angel, right? Is there any thing you can do to help me?
Alright, listen closely: NO!
[Donna is cleaning up the garden, when she walks to the hedge and runs into Eric]
Hey.
'Hey'? Is that all you have to say to me?
Well, what do you have to say to me?
Huh. How about this? 'Hey.'
I'm not wrong!
You are wrong, you dill-hole! [walks off]
Oh, great. That's nice. That's really mature. Double dill-hole! [to himself] Double dill-hole?!
[Red and Eric talk about their breakups over beer]
There were times that I thought I would never get over her, but time passed. I moved on, and then the day came when I didn't think about her as much, then a couple more days came along when I thought of her even less. Then one day I didn't think about her at all... and then that made me sad.
We've got a little Irish in us, don't we, Dad?
Yes, we do.
It's just... hurts.
Listen, I'm gonna give you a few days to pull yourself together. You could stay in bed, watch TV, whatever you need to do.
Thank you, Dad. Not that it matters, but... Donna didn't dump me. I broke up with her.
Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it better.
[At Eric's basement, Eric is not happy about Donna's presence]
Oh, right. Paul McCartney and Wings are on tonight. [sits down]
[paces around] Okay, so... Okay, we're all here now. So... So, Donna, you're staying?
Okay.
What I meant to say was... Look, Donna, I don't think it's cool if you hang out here.
So, what, you're like, kicking me out? ... Wow. Okay then. Bye.
Well, if you're kicking her out, then you're kicking me out.
No, Jackie no. Oh, wait. I mean, bye!
[The guys listen to Eric rant about Donna "taking over" his basement]
And then she just comes down into the basement like it's no big deal! And after what happened? And she's just gonna act like everything's cool and everything's fine? You don't love me, you don't get my couch! Or my friends! I'm a packaged deal, baby! So I just told her, "Fire up those walking sticks, Big Red!" Because this ain't happening! I'm not having it!
[sighs] Okay, Forman... We were all there, and that ain't how it happened. Wanna talk about it some more?
Mmmm... no.
[Kelso joins WFPP's contest, where a van is at stake]
Oh-ho, man! Oh, I hope I win this van. I really need a place to do it with Jackie.
Okay. Listen up everybody. The rules are simple. You place one hand on the van. If you remove your hand for any reason, you're out. Last person to remove his hand wins the van. Any questions? [A guy lifts his hand from the van to stick it up] You're out. Any other questions?
[cuts in] Don't start without me, Max.
Oh God.
[walking up to Bob and Kelso] Hello. My name is Daniel and I have won every WFPP contest since the Weber Gas Grill Trampoline Bounce of 1972. I am unbeatable, so the choice is yours: joy or despair...pleasure or pain...life...or death. [spits in his hand and slams it on the van] I am Daniel! And I cannot be beaten.
[at a special birthday party for Hyde, Fez tries to introduce him to someone]
Hyde, allow me to introduce you to a special lady.
So we meet every week to pray and discuss Scripture. You in?
I used to date your dad. Isn't that a turn-on?
It's not like head cheerleader's always the most talented but in my case, it's true.
I have to date guys who aren't as good-looking as me, otherwise, I'd never date.
You gonna eat that?
I know you're really angry and emotionally crippled but that's okay, 'cause my boyfriend's in jail.
My turn-offs include people who are mean to puppies and people who smoke...or... don't smoke? Or smoke? Wait. Do you smoke?
Okay. So guess which leg's real.
I'm so glad I finally got to meet you, 'cause I've, like, always been afraid of you and I like to be scared.
So? What do you think?
You know, I think, if I time this right I can nail every single one of these girls... tonight.
No, no, no, no, no. You're supposed to pick just one...to love, not nail. Love.
Yeah. Right.
I'm not a screw-up like my cousin Leo here.
It's true, man.
I used to be like Leo, sitting around all day, wasting my life, by then one day I was in my apartment and then all the smoke cleared-
Well, see, Red. That's nice. He had an epiphany.
Actually, I ran out of weed and the smoke cleared. Then I saw how trashed my apartment was so I rebuilt it. Been a contractor ever since.
Well, I'm sold.
[The gang sees Fez come back from ballet practice]
Hey, uh, puffy-shirt guy called. He wants his puffy shirt back.
Things at ballet class have taken a turn for the worse. Somehow, I've become one of the girls...a hairy, brown girl.
Hey, uh, Fez does that shirt come with its own bicycle pump?
You should talk. [points at Eric's striped shirt] That shirt makes you look like a stick of Fruit Stripe gum.
God, what did you have for breakfast this morning? Carnation Instant Bitch?
Okay, that one was out of the park.
[The guys find out Midge left Bob and Donna]
So Midge just... took off?
Ah, poor Donna.
Yeah, this is really bad.
Yeah. Not only did Donna lose her mom, we all lost Midge's sweet, uptown rack.
Oh, good God, man. What a marvelous set of kittens! Remember that sweater?
Remember that other sweater?
Yeah. Remember that time she ran up to us in a sweater?
Remember the week she took up jump rope? In a sweater?
[The guys fantasize about Midge]
[snaps them out of their daydream] Eric! What are you boys thinking about so hard?
Nothing.
Homework.
Jesus.
Kittens.
Eric, I need you to take a casserole to the Pinciottis. So run upstairs and put on a nice, clean shirt and a sport coat.
What? No. I'm not going over there. Donna and I broke up, and things are... weird with us.
Well, that's too bad. Because I went over there, and Bob's a crier. And a hugger. And when you get caught in a crying-Bob hug, there is no escape! AND I CANNOT GO BACK OVER THERE!!
[Kelso and Eric are trying to read the number on Eric's hand}]
72936.... ampersand?
Oh yeah maybe. I'm not really sure how to dial that though.
You just [points to phone] ...oh man me neither.
[Jackie goes through photos of other women]
Ugly, fat, whorey, old, whorey, old, four-eyes, ugly, fat.
Oh, this one's kinda cute. [Jackie hits him] AH! I mean, for a fatty. [Jackie hits him again...] AH! I mean for a... whore? [...and again] AHH! Damn, Jackie! What do you want me to say?!
Oh, Eric. I think you just consummated yourself.
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