Fez quotes from That '70s Show

Fez

I love the snow! I am a winter nymph! I love America! [passes out]

Fez

Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?

Fez

While we were getting beat up, I think I got to second base.

Fez

Oh, Eric. I think you just consummated yourself.

Fez

I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?

Jackie

Michael, who is this guy?

Kelso

Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.

Jackie

What did we exchange for him?

Fez

[seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!

Kelso

Hello Laurie.

Laurie

Hello Kelso, Hyde.

Fez

Who is the goddess?

Kelso

The goddess is Eric's sister.

Hyde

She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

Kelso

Donna beat you in basketball?

Fez

Is this true, Eric?

Eric

Yeah. What? Is that a big deal?

Hyde

Of course not. Unless Donna happens to be... you know... a girl! [chuckles]

Kelso

Especially a girl you love!

Fez

You know, in my country, if a woman beats you it makes her want you.

Eric

Really?

Fez

Yes. But this is America, wuss.

Kelso

Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss...

Hyde

Kelso! KELSO! Would you stop that? ...Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss!

Eric

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What about Kelso? I mean, Jackie has him totally whipped.

Fez

Whipped like the family pig.

Kelso

I am not pig-whipped. Where do you even get that stuff?

Hyde

Are you kidding? "Michael, call me at 8:00!"

Eric

"Michael, do your Chico impression!"

Fez

"Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you!"

Fez

...Please someone else talk now.

Ricky

Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?

Eric

Well, I'm a real people person.

Hyde

I don't answer stupid questions.

Fez

I speak Dutch.

Kelso

My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

Ricky

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Eric

Fatso Burger.

Fez

Covered in gold chains.

Kelso

Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.

Hyde

Prison.

Hyde

You know, I thought about it... and I’m going to the disco. Just on the off-chance that they might mix up a little rock ‘n roll, man.

Kelso

Yeah, well I have something to say. I went to the mall today... and I bought a pair of new shoes... and they're the coolest kicks in the cave!

Eric

So, no more for Kelso. He's toasted!

Fez

I would like some toast if you're making some. Or food of any kind would be good. I am starving!

Hyde

Oh! I read somewhere that there are these people in India who fast, man! Yeah. [laughs] And their minds are so advanced, they can actually think themselves to death, man!

Kelso

Well... I hope I'm not doing that right now. My mind's always doing things that I don't even know about.

Eric

Man, we always think of so many brilliant things down here! But then later, I can't remember any of them! I mean, they're brilliant, man!

Fez

...Someone go make toast right now.

Hyde

Hey, we should record our conversation, man. Yeah! Then we can play it back and write it down! I'll bet that's how the writers at National Lampoon do it!

Kelso

[laughs] Yeah, well... I read somewhere that there's these people in France!

Hyde

What do they do?

Kelso

You see, they're incredibly... French!

Eric

See, that's brilliant, man! I'm gettin' the tape recorder! [gets up and leaves the circle]

Fez

Where's my toast, you idiots?!

Fez

I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.

Hyde

It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!

Eric

Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?

Kelso

Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!

Hyde

Hey Donna, you wanna talk?

Kelso

I guess she didn't take it well.

Red

Take what well? [looks at Kelso]

Kelso

[smiles] Eric made out with Kate.

Red

Anything else?

Fez

Your son is a whore!

Eric

I'd call Red, but I feel safer in jail.

Fez

I... uh, don't know my phone number.

Hyde

I can't call Edna, man. It's poker night.

Kelso

No offense, but isn't every night [nudges Hyde] "poker night" for Edna?

Kelso

Tonight, [sniffles] I learned there's a price to be paid for doing it. She said forever, man. And I think she meant it.

Fez

The inside of my mouth feels like cotton. As if cotton was in my mouth.

Hyde

Kelso, man... Women are like muffins, okay? And once you've had a muffin, man, you will put up with anything to have another muffin! And they know that! Now she really owns you, man.

Eric

Hyde, you sure know a lot about women. But, I mean, you've never really had a steady girlfriend. So, what's that all about?

Hyde

I'll tell you what that's all about, Forman. My mind is pure, man. I don't fall victim to the female race. I'm here, sans girlfriend, to help you guys out.

Fez

Then I have a question, Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?

Hyde

No such thing as too much, Fez.

Kelso

Guys, guess who's taking Pam Macey to the prom?

Hyde

Anyone with a quarter?

Kelso

NO, ME!

Fez

Damn, and I had a quarter.