That '70s Show · Season 5
[Kitty catches Hyde and Jackie kissing.]
Oh, good God. You kids switch partners more than square dancers!
No, it's not what you think. We're not together.
Then what's going on in my kitchen?
Eric's in California! [Kitty leaves the kitchen.]
Jackie, you just totally burned Forman. That is so badass. [They go back to kissing]
[After Eric brings up Luke Skywalker to a conversation about getting Donna in California]
Oh, would you stop! Luke Skywalker this, Luke Skywalker that, I'm sick and tired of hearing about that little fruit!
Luke Skywalker is NOT!!!...He and Leia clearly-I... [calms down] Mom, Dad. This is important.
No. No California. You know what's important?: School. You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.
Luke Skywalker would have buckled down.
I read by 1984, the government will have tracking devices on all of us. And after that, they're gonna jam electrodes in our brains so they can read our memories. Damn U.S. government.
"Damn U.S. government?" Without our government, you'd be stuck in Siberia now sucking the juice from a rotten commie potato! Let me tell you something. If the U.S. government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass, you say, "Thank you, and God bless America!"
[During a circle, where the issue of Eric trying to convince Bob out of enrolling Donna in a Catholic school is discussed]
It's true. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob... I love a good march. My birthday's in March, then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh, The Seduction Of Eric Forman, starring the insatiable April Showers! [laughs]
[Eric and Donna walk in on Jackie and Hyde kissing.]
What the hell!
Oh, my God.
I'm blind!
Get off me! [pushes Hyde away]
[to Donna] Great outfit.
So, yeah. What exactly did you guys see?
You, him, hands, tongues. It was horrible!
You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard.
[During a circle, where the issue of Eric trying to convince Bob out of enrolling Donna in a Catholic school is discussed]
It's true. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob... I love a good march. My birthday's in March, then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh, The Seduction Of Eric Forman, starring the insatiable April Showers! [laughs]
Are you really gonna go talk to my dad for me? Eric, you’re so sweet and brave. Pound for pound, you’re like, the bravest guy in the whole world. I love you so much!
Well, my candy is safe. But something was up with Jackie. She looked scared, like a deer in the headlights with his pants down.
Man, I feel sorry for Jackie. I mean, to have to look at this all day and not be able to touch it? I can’t even do that!
[to Donna] God, I love you.
I love you more. [starts making out with Eric]
Sexy.
Hey! You two quit it, okay?! This circle is sacred! You don't do anything in here that you wouldn't do in a church! No, wait... in a cemetery! No, wait... in the teacher's lounge! Man, I've done it everywhere.
[Eric confronts Red in the garage over being shallow about Kitty's revelation of being pregnant]
Hey, I was just inside with Mom and she's really upset. I just want to know...what's your problem?
[turns to Eric] You made me bald.
What?
Five generations...not one bald head in my family. Then you came along, and - Well, look at it! [shows off baldness] Children make me bald. [goes back to car]
You know what, wear a hat. [Red turns around] 'Cause Mom is really scared, and she could really use a little damn support right now. And I don't usually tell you what to do 'cause you usually do the right thing, but this time, you didn't. You know how you're always telling me to be a man? Well, be a man! [walks back to house, but faces Red again] I made you bald? You made me skinny!
[Having seen Hyde kiss Jackie at the garage, Eric and Donna try to make Kelso not see it]
No, but I want a peanut butter and banana-[sees Hyde and Jackie; laughs] Why is Hyde kissing Jackie? [sees Eric and Donna's stares] What the hell? He's dead! [tries to walk out of kitchen]
[Kelso is angry at Eric and Donna for not telling him about Hyde and Jackie]
I can't believe that you knew that Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.
We...barely knew.
Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.
Like radioactive spiders.
Well, that's true. It's just, how could Hyde do this to me?
[Kitty and Fez walk down the stairs.]
Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.
Finally.
What, your mom knew?! And Fez?! Fez never knows anything!
[Kitty talks to her mother about entering menopause]
Did it hit you this hard too?
Did what, dear?
Menopause.
Ohhh...I never had it.
Mom, everybody has it.
Well, I've always been quite health-conscious. I told you to eat more vegetables!
You cannot expect me to believe that you never went through menopause.
Well, I didn't.
Yes, you did!
Well, it doesn't matter because it's not nice to talk about.
Not everything that needs to be talked about has to be nice. Mom, why wouldn't you ever really talk to me?
I told you I liked your cookies! I'm gonna find your father. [leaves kitchen] BURT!
[Eric and Donna talk about bad taste at the Forman living room]
Well, I think this whole room is a great example of bad taste. [Kitty and Red just walked in]
Excuse me?
Uh, Mrs Forman-
I have spent years picking every item in this room so that I would be surrounded by the things that I love and the people I thought loved me.
Hey, Kitty, how about a nap?
[snaps at Red] And you, [picks up TV remote control] have you fixed the damn clicker yet? What good is a clicker if it won't click?!? [stomps at remote]
Boys, um, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.
A little?
SHUT UP! So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."
I'm hooked.
You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room! [Runs out of room crying]
Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.
There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here...nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna...eventually, she's gonna turn into that [Kitty]. And then, a few years later, you'll die.
Good. Thanks for the bedtime story.
Kitty, I know these past few weeks have been hard on you, hard on all of us really. [Kitty glares at him] But especially hard on you. I mean since you found out you were . . .
Just say it Red, barren!
Well there's no reason for both of us to say it. So I got something to cheer my girl up.
Oh good, cause I finished off the last bottle this morning.
No, no. I got you a puppy. [holds up a Dachshund] He needs somebody to take care of him. His? mother got run over by a car.
Did you run over a dog, Red?!
[Eric just bought a gift for Donna]
So, Forman, you finally broke down, huh? What'd you get her? Earrings? A little bracelet?
No, I got her way more than a piece of jewelry. I got her a gift that really says something - a diamond engagement ring.
As a joke?
No, you guys, I'm gonna ask Donna to marry me.
As a joke?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
