Laurie Forman quotes from That &#039;70s Show

Hello Laurie.

Laurie

Hello Kelso, Hyde.

Fez

Who is the goddess?

The goddess is Eric's sister.

She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

S1 E2 Eric's Birthday

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So, how's your friend Janice?

Laurie

Pregnant.

Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?

Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...

Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!

Laurie

It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

S1 E2 Eric's Birthday

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So, Laurie, who are you seeing up at the college?

Laurie

Oh, I like to date around.

[coughs] Slut!

Bless you.

Thanks, Mom.

S1 E12 The Best Christmas Ever

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Ohhh! You're wearing your University of Wisconsin sweatshirt!

Laurie

Yeah. Mother, I went there.

No. You flunked out of there. You might as well wear your "University of I Wasted My Father's Money" sweatshirt! Take it off. [Laurie begins to take the sweatshirt but Kitty stops her halfway after seeing her with only a bra underneath]

S2 E2 Red's Last Day

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Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.

That's because I don't know what it is.

Well, it's just, it's eggs and hash and some…surprises!

Mom, why aren't you eating it?

Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.

Is this rabbit?

No!

Laurie

Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?

Laurie, it is not dog food. And God, I hope so.

[walks in dressed in a suit and tie] So: would you hire me?

Laurie

I'd hire you, Daddy! Especially if the position was world's best father.

S2 E3 The Velvet Rope

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[Red and Kitty talk with Professor Stark, who wants to get Laurie in class again]

So, what does she need to do to get back into school?

SProfessor Stark

Well, she'll have to work with me. Make a commitment...to school. She'll really have to buckle down.

Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go?

Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing. You know Dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today. In the garage.

Laurie

[thoughts] Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES!

It was just...it was so surprising.

Oh Eric, do tell!

I saw Laurie....

SStark

I'm in love with your daughter! [long pause; Red and Stark get up from the table and walk towards each other] Dad!

That's it! Come here!! [Chases Stark out of the room]

S2 E4 Laurie and the Professor

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[The gang is heading to Vanstock. Kelso and Laurie are in the forward section of the van]

So, you wanna shift?

Laurie

It's an automatic.

I know.

Jackie

[jumps out from behind the curtain] Surprise!

AAAAAAAHHHH!

S2 E6 Vanstock

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[Kitty awaits the outcome of Red's Price Mart supervisor interview]

I'll be in the basement.

No, you sit!

Oh, sure, when things get ugly, suddenly I'm family!

Laurie

Not to me, freak.

You are so going to end up in porno!

[sees a grumpy Red walk in] Hi honey! [Red walks over to the bar and begins pouring a drink]

Right to the bar. Not a good sign.

What are you all looking at? Don't you think that...Price Mart's new supervisor deserves a drink?

Yay!

Yeah, I got it!

Hey, congratulations, Dad.

Thanks, Eric. Oh, and you're fired.

What, you can't do that!

Yes I can! You're fired!

Hey, you know what? I'm not fired.

Ok, if it's so important to you, you're not fired. But if your grades start to slip, you are fired! I love saying that!

God help the poor bastards who work for you, huh?

[laughs] Wait, uh, I work for you.

I know!

S2 E14 Red's New Job

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[Donna separately asks Kitty, Laurie, and Midge how their own first times felt]

Donna

Ok, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like?

Midge

Oh, my first time was with a guy named...your father.

Laurie

My first time was with this guy named Darren. It was really special! Oh no, wait. It wasn't Darren, it was...Robert? I think, Robert!

Well, um, Red and I waited until after we were married. Like, five seconds after we were married. We said, to heck with the receiving line and hit the nearest closet!

Midge

Oh, I remember running my hands through his long blonde hair and listening to his beautiful British accent. [has a long stare, but snaps out of it] You see, because, back then your father was blonde and British!

Laurie

No, no no no, not Robert. There was this guy...what was his name? Or was it his brother? It'll come to me.

Good god, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red got it off in no time! You wouldn't know it to look at him but Red's got very nimble fingers. Nimble!

Midge

I just remember it was very disappointing. And I never saw that guy again. I mean, your father. I mean, your father was the first. Don't tell your father, ok?

Laurie

I wanna say Billy. But that's not right. Anyway, I just remember that he wasn't very good.

And it was just wonderful. Eventually.

S2 E17 Afterglow

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How stupid do you think I am? We know what you were doing in the car.

No. We don't know.

Yes we do.

No. We don't know.

Laurie

[cheering] I do!

Of course you do! You...majored in it!

S2 E19 Parents Find Out

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[At the Forman kitchen, Kelso tells Laurie that they must break up]

I don't wanna live with this lying anymore. Because I only love Jackie.

Laurie

Okay. So, do you wanna go up to my room and have sex?

Uh...sure! [Realizes what he's doing] No, wait! No! [releases Laurie and turns around so his back is to the kitchen's garage entrance] No! Okay, I...this...Laurie, I...I'm serious. We're over.

Laurie

Wow. I think you really mean it.

I totally do.

Laurie

[sees Jackie just outside the garage] Okay, Kelso, you're free! You know what I'd like, though? Just one last goodbye kiss.

Um...okay, well sure. [kisses Laurie. Jackie is shocked and rushes in]

Jackie

Michael!

[lets go of Laurie] Jackie! We were...[Jackie runs away] No, there was...

Laurie

Wow, how ironic, huh? [leaves the room. Kelso bangs his head against the wall]

S2 E20 Kiss of Death

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Okay, Laurie, I know what you told Hyde.

Laurie

What are you talking about, loser?

The camp story. Doctor Pee Pee. You're dead.

Fez

[whispering to Hyde] what's going on?

Shh. Pretend it's TV.

Well, I know some stuff about you, little lady. Fellas, Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes, and shoulder blades.

Laurie

In the fifth grade, Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kit 'cause a girl kicked sand in his face.

You stuffed in high school.

Laurie

So did you.

Last year Laurie used all of her birthday money to buy a back massager; which isn't fooling anyone, by the way.

Laurie

Well, that's not as bad as the time I walked in on you in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster and you were all--

Laurie was born with a tail!

[Fez gasps.]

What?

Yeah! Laurie was born with a tail!

Laurie

I HATE YOU! [runs upstairs]

It's true. [puts hands together and makes a tail]

S2 E22 Jackie Moves On

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Boy, Laurie, you really liked that hot dog. You didn't even chew it!

Laurie

Oh, hey, Hyde. Father's Day is coming up. Shouldn't you practice saying, "Hi, are you my Daddy?"

Oh, by the way, Laurie. The surgeon general called. He wanted you to stop hoarding all the penicillin.

Laurie

You know, when you're in prison, your bad table manners will probably just be a turn-on for some guy named Tank.

Well, maybe when you're there for a conjugal visit, you can ask him to take it easy on me.

S2 E22 Jackie Moves On

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[while family is watching The Brady Bunch]

Hey did you see the one where Mr. Brady went insane and put bells on all the doors?

Did you see the one where Greg was being a real wise ass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?

Laurie

Did you see the one where I hate living here?

That's my favorite.

S3 E2 Red Sees Red

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Look what I've got!

Laurie

Ew. What's that?

That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.

Laurie

Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?

Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.

Oh? Then I'll do it.

No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.

Oh, look Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass!

Eric, what did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?