[After finding out about Hyde being on probation] Probation? Well, isn't that just ducky? You know how Russia treats their criminals? First offense, five years in Siberia! Second offense, ten years! Believe you me, there is no third offense!
S3 E1Reefer Madness
I'm cracking down. And I'm cracking down hard! Starting right now, fun time is over! [stalks out of the kitchen]
So where was I for fun time?
[Flashback]
I am so baked! I think. No, yeah I am... I think.
You know guys, I've been living my life all wrong. All I ever thought about was school. Studying, reading, homework... well, that's over! Thanks, Hyde.
Hey, man, don't thank me. Thank my mom. If she hadn't have passed out, I couldn't have raided her stash.
You have the best mom ever!
Hey, guys, you know what? Yesterday, I was wrestling with Donna, and I felt her boob! It was beautiful... and squishy.
Squishy... Hey, guys! I had this dream that I was kissing my English teacher. And when I woke up, I was stuck to my bed. [chuckles]
Kelso, man, that's not normal. You could die. ...Hey, isn't your English teacher a guy?
Yeah. ...No, I meant my Spanish teacher. She's a girl. Man, what's in this stuff?
Hey guys. I'm having the best time ever. I think. No, yeah I am.
S3 E2Red Sees Red
[while family is watching The Brady Bunch]
Hey did you see the one where Mr. Brady went insane and put bells on all the doors?
Did you see the one where Greg was being a real wise ass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
Did you see the one where I hate living here?
That's my favorite.
Eric and Hyde [to Shirley Jones]: Hi, Mom!
Mom?
SJShirley Jones
That's right, Kitty.
We're Partridges now!
This is gonna be great! I'm pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey!
No! Partridges? You can't live in a bus! There's no toilet!
S3 E3Hyde's Father
[The guys enter a bar]
All right. They didn't even check our fake IDs.
And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.
Yeah. Sorry, "Pez." Let's drink.
BBud
So, fellas, school let out early?
Yeah. We're just....
Kelso, shut up!
Uh, I mean, no. No, we're old. We're workers. We're all construction workers. Hey, fellas, did you see that brick today? Whoo!
BBud
Relax, guys. It's "Serve a Minor Night" at the old "Don't Have a Liquor License" Saloon [to Hyde] You look familiar. Do I know you?
I should hope so...Dad. [Kelso, Eric, and Fez are aghast]
[Eric and Donna are making out in his bed, but Donna discovers an issue of PlayPen on the floor]
You keep a stack of dirty magazines under your bed? [gets up to look under his bed]
What? No! God, not a stack. You know, what is a "stack" really?
Why do you have these down here?
Now, wait, Donna...downstairs you were laughing and cracking jokes about this stuff.
Eric, that was in the basement...with our idiotic friends. Why do you need them? Aren't I enough? [throws the magazines at him]
No-Yeah, you're enough. God, you're...you're plenty. It's just, uh, that, uh... you see, Donna, you see, what I do with dirty magazines... is... really only interesting to me.... with the reading of the articles and the solving of the puzzles and whatnot.
You know what? I don't wanna know bout the whatnot. I'm outta here [leaves room]
[to magazines] Oh, no, girls. She's onto us.
S3 E4Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die
[The gang think of ways on how to spend their Halloween. Kelso has an idea.]
You know what would be fun? If we were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie right now, and we didn't know it. And then, someone one told us and we were all like, “Oh man! I'm in a movie!" [Hyde, Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Fez individually give surprised looks to the camera]
Yeah, ok, I'm out of here.
Wait, but I thought we-
GET BENT!
Ok, I'll do that.
[A man goes up to a dark room in the Formans' house, where Fez is. He tries to scare off the man using a camera's flash, but Hyde opens the light. The mysterious man is actually Bob.]
You can't kill me like you killed Midge, you big doofy!
Kill Midge? I didn't kill Midge. She's in Chicago visiting her sister.
Oh, really. Then what was in the heavy garbage sacks?
Garbage, you idiot.
Oh, well I guess that explains the giant knife, the guts all over your apron. Oh, wait, no it doesn't!
Explain that, killer!
They were pumpkin guts. I was making Jack-o'-lanterns.
So, you're hiding Midge's body in a jack-o'-lantern. Clever plan.
[walks over to the window] Look, there's Midge now. Not dead or nothing. [Fez sees Midge getting undressed]
Oh goody! You can go now.
Midgey! No! Cover yourself!
S3 E5Roller Disco
[Fez and Jackie await the results of the Roller Disco competition with Donna and Kelso, who is not pleased]
AAnnouncer
And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is...Jackie Burkhart and...
DJDonna and Jackie
Oh, my God! [Jackie hugs Fez]
AAnnouncer
Friend.
Fix! Fix!
I can't believe it! I'm so sorry I doubted you. You...You are my hero...My...my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero!
And you are my...my spoiled, whiny skating princess.
Oh, Fez, thank you! [a tournament assistant gives them champagne] Yaaaay, champagne! Yaaay!
Yaaaay! Yaaay! [rubs Jackie's back]
[Shakes off Kelso] Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time.
What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', "Ooh," because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it?
Let's go, Fez [they leave]
Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.
What's the bright side?
The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.
[Red and Eric are summoned to testify about Earl's wrongful termination suit against Red]
I guess "violent" is the wrong word... but, you know, it's definitely some kind of rage. Although, I mean, you know, Earl had it coming. I love you, Daddy.
EEarl
[enters room panting] Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late.
MMediator
Hour and 10 minutes late. I can only assume you're Earl.
EEarl
Yeah. So, um, sorry. My, uh, dog got hit by a...a guy in a....
Car?
EEarl
Thanks, Red. So, what'd I miss?
MMediator
You missed everything. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. Mr. Forman, you...you scare the living hell out of me. No offense.
None taken.
That's kind of his thing.
MMediator
But, Earl, in light of your failure to show up for your own hearing... we have no choice but to rule in favor of Mr. Forman.
Yes, sir!
Way to go, Dad!
EEarl
Damn... dog.
MMediator
And Mr. Forman, even though this hearing did go your way today...in light of some of your son's responses... I would strongly encourage you to go to anger management classes.
Sure, I'll...I'll do that [Mediator leaves with Earl close behind]
Neat! Anger management. That sounds like it could be kind of fun, right? We...We won. Hey! You and me...We're such a good team. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah. We did it. How about us, huh? Stickin' it to the man.
[obviously angry] I'll see you at home. [leaves room]
Wait. But, Dad, we...we drove here together!
S3 E6Eric's Panties
[reacting to what Kitty cooked for him in light of his health problems] This isn't food – this is what food eats!
[Donna faces Shelly over panties found in Eric's car]
Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
SShelly
Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
So these are some other girl's panties?!
Whoa-whoa-whoa. No offense, Donna- [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
SShelly
You know what Eric, I don't need this. [Walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are.
[walks in] Donna, [takes the panties] those panties are mine.
ERIC!! Oh, oh....[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
[sets Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
[interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!
Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places. [Kelso and Fez stand up, cringing at the thought]
SShelly
Doesn't your girlfriend mind you spending so much time with me?
Well, no. Apparently, she's thrilled about it.
SShelly
Well, she's crazy. Because if I was your girlfriend, I would wanna kiss you all the time.
Really?
[Shelly kisses Eric, who quickly breaks away]
Whoa! Hey, come on, lady! I'm spoken for! [pause; Shelly stares at him] Wow!
[Kelso and Fez run into the Hub]
Hey, did we miss anything?
What? God, no! You didn't miss anything!
[The guys see Donna walk inside]
Alright, people! Let's back up! Give 'em some room here!
Hey, Donna. Hi, hello.
Don't "Hey, Donna. Hi, hello," me! I trusted you, and you cheated on me with this slut!
Donna, I don't think–
SShelly
Excuse me?!
Yeah, I said it! You want some of this?! Come on!
Donna, hey, whatever you think happened–
I know what happened. [holds up panties] I found these in your car!
Panties?
A-ha. So he admits they are panties.
[to Shelly] Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
SShelly
Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
So these are some other girl's panties?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No offense, Donna... [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
SShelly
You know what, Eric? I don't need this. [walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Donna, look, you have to believe me. I have no idea whose panties those are.
[walks in] Donna! [takes the panties] Those panties are mine.
ERIC!! OH! OH...[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
[pulls Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
[interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!
Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places.
[Kelso and Fez stand up and cringe]
S3 E7Baby Fever
Look what I've got!
Ew. What's that?
That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.
Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?
Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.
Oh? Then I'll do it.
No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
Oh, look Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass!
Eric, what did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?
That it's offensive to the devil?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.