Kitty Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Kitty

Ohhh! You're wearing your University of Wisconsin sweatshirt!

Laurie

Yeah. Mother, I went there.

Kitty

No. You flunked out of there. You might as well wear your "University of I Wasted My Father's Money" sweatshirt! Take it off. [Laurie begins to take the sweatshirt but Kitty stops her halfway after seeing her with only a bra underneath]

Kitty

Okay, you know what? Let's turn that off. [switches radio off]

Hyde

[To Red] Hey, I got Amy's phone number.

Red

Good for you, Steven.

Hyde

I hope she's still pretty tomorrow.

Kitty

Okay, you know what? Let's just turn that Redneck Mother song back on! [Gang resumes singing]

Kitty

Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.

Eric

That's because I don't know what it is.

Kitty

Well, it's just, it's eggs and hash and some…surprises!

Eric

Mom, why aren't you eating it?

Kitty

Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.

Hyde

Is this rabbit?

Kitty

No!

Laurie

Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?

Kitty

Laurie, it is not dog food. And God, I hope so.

Red

[walks in dressed in a suit and tie] So: would you hire me?

Laurie

I'd hire you, Daddy! Especially if the position was world's best father.

Red

So, what does she need to do to get back into school?

Well, she'll have to work with me. Make a commitment...to school. She'll really have to buckle down.

Kitty

Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go?

Eric

Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing. You know Dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today. In the garage.

Laurie

[thoughts] Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES!

Eric

It was just...it was so surprising.

Hyde

Oh Eric, do tell!

Eric

I saw Laurie....

I'm in love with your daughter! [long pause; Red and Stark get up from the table and walk towards each other] Dad!

Red

That's it! Come here!! [Chases Stark out of the room]

And now, another episode of Point Place.

Red

My god Kitty. What have I become?

Kitty

I don't know. You're not the man I married! And I'm not Kitty.

Red

[faces her] What are you saying?

Kitty

I am Kitty. But I am leaving you for Dr. Cloak. Or should I say, [faces camera] Eric's real father.

Red

But why?

Kitty

He has a job. What do you have, Red Forman? What do you have?

Red

[dramatically bites his fist] I've got nothing. [Kitty cries] Dear God. Will I ever work again? [puts his face in his hands, sobs, and peers through his fingers.]

Kitty

Penny for your thoughts.

Red

Well, one thing I'm thinkin' - I've gotta stop watchin' the damn soaps.

Red

Damn it all to hell!

Kitty

Honey, what's wrong?

Red

"What's wrong?" EVERYTHING is wrong! These damn kids today, they wouldn't know responsibility if it walked up and BIT 'EM IN THE ASS! "Get a job?" HA! It's just party all night, dance all day, and sex everywhere in between! SICKENING! [leaves the kitchen]

Kitty

[unfazed] Laurie's living with a boy?

Eric

Yes.

Kitty

Just... just one boy, right?

Eric

Yeah, I think so.

Kitty

Well now, see, it could've been worse.

Donna

Actually, Kelso. You know what really makes you horny? Beets.

Kelso

Yeah, right.

Eric

Nah, it's true, I saw it on 60 Minutes, man. Beet farmers with like, ten, 15 kids.

Kelso

Man, how's come everything that's good for you always tastes so bad? [gets can opener and tries to open can of beets] I'm trying it!

Kitty

[enters kitchen] Michael, honey, don't eat our beets! [gets can]

Jackie

You know, Michael, Mrs. Forman's right. You're horny enough as it is. Sometimes, I wish you had two girlfriends. [gang looks at her]

Kelso

Oh my God, are you serious?

Jackie

What?

Kelso

Nothing!

Hyde

I'll be in the basement.

Kitty

No, you sit!

Hyde

Oh, sure, when things get ugly, suddenly I'm family!

Laurie

Not to me, freak.

Hyde

You are so going to end up in porno!

Kitty

[sees a grumpy Red walk in] Hi honey! [Red walks over to the bar and begins pouring a drink]

Eric

Right to the bar. Not a good sign.

Red

What are you all looking at? Don't you think that...Price Mart's new supervisor deserves a drink?

Kitty

Yay!

Red

Yeah, I got it!

Eric

Hey, congratulations, Dad.

Red

Thanks, Eric. Oh, and you're fired.

Eric

What, you can't do that!

Red

Yes I can! You're fired!

Eric

Hey, you know what? I'm not fired.

Red

Ok, if it's so important to you, you're not fired. But if your grades start to slip, you are fired! I love saying that!

Hyde

God help the poor bastards who work for you, huh?

Eric

[laughs] Wait, uh, I work for you.

Red

I know!

Kitty

No hair?

Red

None...well, a little.

Kitty

Well what are we talking about here Red? Is it Ed Asner bald or Charlie Brown bald?

Red

Geez Kitty, I don't know. I barely looked.

Kitty

Ok I need a visual aid. [gets a Wooly Willy]

Red

It was so uncomfortable. I mean, a toupee is a pretty big lie, Kitty.

Kitty

Ok here, show me on Wooly Willy. [watches Red sketching] Uh huh, ok, uh huh [Red shakes the board so all the hair falls off Wooly Willy to show her the final product]

Kitty

[astonished] Really.

Midge

Bob, I'm proud and very grateful to be your wife. [camera focuses on Donna and Eric, who are sitting across the aisle from each other, and Bob and Midge read the vows. Eric flashes Donna a smile and makes an ok sign]

Bob

We've known each other since we were practically kids.

Midge

So we know all the good stuff...

Bob

...and all the not so good stuff about each other. [Donna and Eric stare at each other, as if the words Bob and Midge are speaking are really being spoken by them.]

Midge

I can't imagine feeling about anyone else the way I feel about you.

Bob

Because I love you. I always loved you. And I wanna make you a promise.

Midge

No matter what happens...

Bob

Good or bad...

Midge

I will always love you. [Donna mouths the same words to Eric at the same time]

Kitty

Awww!

Donna

Ok, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like?

Midge

Oh, my first time was with a guy named...your father.

Laurie

My first time was with this guy named Darren. It was really special! Oh no, wait. It wasn't Darren, it was...Robert? I think, Robert!

Kitty

Well, um, Red and I waited until after we were married. Like, five seconds after we were married. We said, to heck with the receiving line and hit the nearest closet!

Midge

Oh, I remember running my hands through his long blonde hair and listening to his beautiful British accent. [has a long stare, but snaps out of it] You see, because, back then your father was blonde and British!

Laurie

No, no no no, not Robert. There was this guy...what was his name? Or was it his brother? It'll come to me.

Kitty

Good god, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red got it off in no time! You wouldn't know it to look at him but Red's got very nimble fingers. Nimble!

Midge

I just remember it was very disappointing. And I never saw that guy again. I mean, your father. I mean, your father was the first. Don't tell your father, ok?

Laurie

I wanna say Billy. But that's not right. Anyway, I just remember that he wasn't very good.

Kitty

And it was just wonderful. Eventually.

Eric

Hey, do you wanna go see Close Encounters sometime?

Kitty

Oh, I'd love to.

Eric

Very cool. Good night, Mom. [kisses Kitty on cheek before going to the kitchen. Red walks in as Kitty starts to cry.]

Red

Oh, what'd he do? I swear I'll kick his ass!

Red

How stupid do you think I am? We know what you were doing in the car.

Kitty

No. We don't know.

Red

Yes we do.

Kitty

No. We don't know.

Laurie

[cheering] I do!

Eric

Of course you do! You...majored in it!

Red

Come on Pearl, there's a Bucks game on!

[enthusiastically gets out of rest room and heads to her chair] The Bucks, huh?

Kitty

[comforts Red] Well, now see? This is nice.

The only thing that keeps me alive is watching the Bucks lose! PPPT!

Red

[Unenthusiastically]: Go Bucks.

Okay. Lets see your pictures. Kitty, what do you see when you think of God? [Kitty shows picture] Oh, that's nice. Very lifelike.

Kitty

See He's, um, He's looking down fondly on all of us going to church.

Steven. [Hyde shows picture of a man with long hair and a beard] Very good. I see, when you think of God, you see Jesus.

Hyde

No man, it's Clapton.

Eric

Oh my God, man. I drew Clapton too.