Kitty Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Kitty

Mom?

That's right, Kitty.

Eric

We're Partridges now!

Hyde

This is gonna be great! I'm pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey!

Kitty

No! Partridges? You can't live in a bus! There's no toilet!

Kitty

Look what I've got!

Laurie

Ew. What's that?

Kitty

That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.

Laurie

Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?

Kitty

Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.

Red

Oh? Then I'll do it.

Kitty

No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.

Eric

Oh, look Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass!

Red

Eric, what did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?

Eric

That it's offensive to the devil?

Kitty

Well, we've gone through three batches of Ambrosia salad.

Red

Three batches! Not since D-Day has there been such a complete and glorious victory. [laughs. Donna approaches] Oh uh, hi Donna.

Donna

Well I hope you're all happy, cause you ruined my Dad's barbecue. All he wanted was one more good day before everybody found out that his store was closing and he's going bankrupt.

Eric

[surprised] Wait? What?

Donna

Yeah, Bargain Bob's is closing this week so....congratulations. [walks away]

Eric

Oh my God, I feel so bad.

Red

Well you should, you ruined his barbecue. Why would you do that?

Eric

Wha...me? You coulda, you -

Red

Eric, for God's sakes, the man is almost a veteran.

Eric

Ok, fine. You know what. Fine, it's all my fault. But Dad you, you gotta make everyone here go next door.

Kitty

Eric, you're right. We have got to go over there. They are our neighbors, they are our best friends.

Red

Yeah, I suppose. [addresses guests] All right freeloaders, let's move it on over to Bob's! [everyone starts to leave] Eric, grab that keg.

Eric

Ok, I'm on it. [tries to carry but the keg wouldn't budge]

Eric

My head hurts.

Red

That's your own brain comprehending it's own stupidity.

Kitty

[On Hyde's Dad] What kind of man leaves a bunch of kids alone with a keg?

Eric

A fun one?

Red

Hey, Jim Beam, can it.

Laurie

But now, I have found my passion: Hair!

Kitty

The musical?

Laurie

No! HAIR! [Laurie grabs a handful of her hair.]

Laurie

I'm going to beauty school!

Kitty

This isn't something you do through the mail, is it?

Laurie

No! It's a real school!

Kitty

Oh. Well... yay!

Red

Congratulations, sweetheart!

Red

Well, Kitty, what do you think?

Kitty

Eh.

Red

Yeah.

Kitty

Are you having fun?

Red

No. Turns out I was mistaken. Life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you. I just wanna spend it with people I really, really love. Like you and, uh...Well, mostly just you [taps glass] Everybody. [guests look at him] Thanks for being here. And I just wanna say...when my time comes, I want to be buried face down, so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass!

Kitty

[Laughs nervously]

Kitty

Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were five, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face. [Awkward pause] OK.

Red

Kitty, that was bad.

Kitty

I know, keep walking.

Eric

Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.

Eric

So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.

Red

Really.

Kitty

Hmmm.

Red

So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?

Eric

Yes sir.

Kitty

Are you good in math?

Red

What's the square root of x?

Eric

Um, I really can't answer that?

Red

A-HA!

Eric

No, see. X is a variable so until you define its parimeter is the only possible answer is the variable or x if you prefer.

Red

Is that right?

Kitty

Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?

Eric

Yes.

Red

Are they as dumb as he is?

Eric

I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.

Red

Right answer. (to Kitty) That was a trick question. I know they're dumb

Eric

So, I can go?

Red

You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.

Kitty, would you like a makeover?

Kitty

Oh, I really would.

Okay!

Kitty

[apprehensive] I wouldn't look like a whore, would I?

Ow!

Oh, oh, Jake, honey, honey. Be nice to your big brother. He's not strong like you.

Eric

Brother? What the hell?

Your parents finally had the son they always wanted.

Now, son, what do we call Eric?

Dumbass!

There's my boy! [Red and Kitty laugh]

I'm not a screw-up like my cousin Leo here.

Leo

It's true, man.

I used to be like Leo, sitting around all day, wasting my life, by then one day I was in my apartment and then all the smoke cleared-

Kitty

Well, see, Red. That's nice. He had an epiphany.

Actually, I ran out of weed and the smoke cleared. Then I saw how trashed my apartment was so I rebuilt it. Been a contractor ever since.

Red

Well, I'm sold.

Kelso

So Midge just... took off?

Fez

Ah, poor Donna.

Eric

Yeah, this is really bad.

Hyde

Yeah. Not only did Donna lose her mom, we all lost Midge's sweet, uptown rack.

Fez

Oh, good God, man. What a marvelous set of kittens! Remember that sweater?

Kelso

Remember that other sweater?

Eric

Yeah. Remember that time she ran up to us in a sweater?

Hyde

Remember the week she took up jump rope? In a sweater?

Kitty

[snaps them out of their daydream] Eric! What are you boys thinking about so hard?

Eric

Nothing.

Hyde

Homework.

Kelso

Jesus.

Fez

Kittens.

Kitty

Eric, I need you to take a casserole to the Pinciottis. So run upstairs and put on a nice, clean shirt and a sport coat.

Eric

What? No. I'm not going over there. Donna and I broke up, and things are... weird with us.

Kitty

Well, that's too bad. Because I went over there, and Bob's a crier. And a hugger. And when you get caught in a crying-Bob hug, there is no escape! AND I CANNOT GO BACK OVER THERE!!

Red

What the hell?

Kitty

Its the Russians! [Red looks out the window]

Red

Oh, jeez. [opens window] Bob!

Bob

Hey there! Hi there! Ho ho ho there!

Red

Bob, it's midnight! Turn that crap of!

Bob

What would I do that for?! Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus! I know what I want for Christmas!

Red

Bob, are you drunk?!

Bob

I'm not sober!

Well, we're all alone. I told Hyde to amscray for a while. So go ahead, take off your robe. [Eric takes off his robe, wearing a t-shirt and his underpants. He and Penny sit closely on the couch as Red and Kitty enter basement]

Kitty

Penny, there's no rat...

[jumps up from the couch] Don't Eric! Don't!

Eric

No, I was...

Red

Eric, step away from your cousin.

Eric

No, she's not my cousin. She was adopted.

I'm not adopted.

Eric

Wh-What? What? She's lying!

Kitty

Eric, I saw her mother give birth to her. Now what is going on?

Eric

I'm... sleepwalking?

Red

And I'm about to be sleepkicking your ass.

Eric, what kind of person would lie about something as serious as being adopted?

Eric

A liar who specializes in adoption lies: You. A mean, vindictive person.

Like someone who would trap someone in a revolving door?

Eric

Yes! Ohh. Mom, Dad, can... can Penny and I be alone for a minute?

Red

No! I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.

Eric

No. Look, I just want to apologize to Penny.

Kitty

Fine. When you're done, you head right upstairs. I'm having Pastor Dave come over for an emergency house call.