LeoSo, do you like photos, man?
Leo
Okay, you got the job, man.
Just like that? You don't need to interview anyone else?
Leo
No one else showed up, man.
So, what do I do here, anyway?
Leo
Well, I don't expect a lot, man. Like, pretty much, if the hut doesn't burn down, it's been a good day. And even if it burnt down, man, it's cool, 'cause I got three or four more of these little huts somewhere. Hey, listen. If you see one of these huts, could you give me a call, man?
Or even better, I could take a picture.
Leo
Whoa, a picture of a Photo Hut. Hey, that'd be like art or something, huh. Hey, listen, man. Hope you don't mind if I pay you in cash. I don't like big brother gettin' into my business, you dig.
Man, keeping the government out of it. I'm so with you.
Leo
No, my big brother, man. He's always hittin' me up for money.
Oh, 'cause you're the responsible one?
Leo
Yeah, it's my curse, man. Hey, listen. I gotta go, uh, do a thing at, uh, a place.
Yeah, man, I hear that. So, want me to lock up when I'm done?
Leo
Lock up? Wow, that's a great idea, man. Hey, you're one of those idea men, aren't ya, man?
Yeah, maybe some day you'll be working for me, huh.
Leo
Really? Oh, that'd be cool, man. Hey, but can I have Saturday night off? Cool!
M1Mountie #1
What are you doing in Canada?
Leo
What're you doing in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! [Raises hands]
Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]
Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?!
M1Mountie #1
What's your business in Canada?
Leo
What's your business in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? [Looks at both mounties in turn]
M2Mountie #2
What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?
Leo
What's your re-
Mountie #1 Shut up!
Yeah, I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.
Beer. [Pause] Beer! BEER!
Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?
Wee foobie dibbie doobie.
M1Mountie #1
Wee foobie...
M2Mountie #2
Dibbie doobie...
M2Mountie #2
Now, Leave Canada Please.
[The boys and Leo walk out, with Leo doing one last retort]
Leo
You Leave Canada Please.
TTheo
I'm not a screw-up like my cousin Leo here.
Leo
It's true, man.
TTheo
I used to be like Leo, sitting around all day, wasting my life, by then one day I was in my apartment and then all the smoke cleared-
Well, see, Red. That's nice. He had an epiphany.
TTheo
Actually, I ran out of weed and the smoke cleared. Then I saw how trashed my apartment was so I rebuilt it. Been a contractor ever since.
[Hyde and Fez have just discovered that Leo actually has no million-dollar inheritance]
There is no money, you son of a bitch!
Leo
Oh, man, I guess all this stuff has to go.
[to parrot] That means you, too, Feathered Frank! Good day.
I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter. Oh! How about I play him as a spaceman?
Kelso, I don't think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.
Really? Well, where do you think God lives?
Leo
It's true, man. [Points upward]
[At a truck stop, Eric worries about how to pay his bill with Leo]
I can't believe I'm stuck in a backwoods truck stop with no money. You know if we don't do something, this waitress is just gonna hand us over to these truckers. You know, they're all freaky, sexual deviants. Man, women, animal-they don't care as long as it's warm [drinks]
Leo
Don't worry, man, I've got an idea how we can pay for this dinner. [at Circle in storeroom] That was a good idea...now how are we gonna pay for dinner?
WWaitress
[smiling] I think this pretty much covers your tab, but if you're interested, dessert's on me. [clicks tongue]
Leo
In that case [laughs] you'd better soak your uniform in club soda.
You see? What an awesome night. I am partying in the back of a truck stop with a hippie and a waitress...who are now making out...wow, the fact that I'm here is ... not slowing them down at all ... [laughs but is disgusted at what the waitress just did] good, God, woman, you buttered my toast with that hand!
[At a veterans' reunion, Red is flustered that Leo is actually a World War II veteran despite his hippie appearance]
I can't believe Leo is a veteran. I don't know whether to like him a little more or like myself a little less.
Red, this was supposed to be your special night. We should be the ones over there getting free drinks.
I spent all my money on this costume.
[walks up to Leo] So Leo, what exactly did you do in the war? I mean, just besides drive a supply truck.
VVeteran
Just drive a supply truck?! Leo, did you tell them what you did?
Leo
Nah. It's embarrassing.
VVeteran
You gotta tell 'm!
Leo
All right. I peed on Jane Fonda.
VVeteran
Leo here drove his truck right into a German tank formation and rescued an entire platoon.
VVeteran
Didn't you get a medal for that?
Leo
Yeah. I forget what it was called, but it was shaped like a purple heart.
Damn Leo. I'm impressed [shakes Leo's hand] From one veteran to another, I'd like to buy you a drink.
Leo
Actually, I like to buy you a drink.
Sorry. This round is for men who fought for Uncle Sam, not spent the war hiding in their Uncle Sam's house.
Leo
Hey man, even if he didn't see action, he still deserves a drink.
Leo
Bartender, one Shirley Temple!
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
