Fez quotes from That '70s Show

Hyde

Hey, so, uh, how do you plan on steering this thing on land?

Kelso

[holds up paddle] Duh.

Fez

Kelso, I think you should wear a helmet just in case anything goes wrong.

Kelso

Fez, I'm riding an open canoe down a rocky mountain side. What could possibly go wrong?

Hyde

I think I'm with Fez on this helmet thing.

Kelso

Ah, no, I'm not falling for that one.

Hyde

Falling for what?

Kelso

The old helmet gag.

Hyde

Kelso, I just want you to protect your head from being crushed like a berry.

Kelso

Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?... Now let go of the ropes and watch me fly!

One, two, three [let go of rope. The canoe does not move.]

Kelso

Woohoo!... Woohoo!... Ah, man! [tries pushing off with the paddle, stands up, gets out of canoe and throws away paddle] Stupid thing! [Canoe takes off down hill] Oh! Oh, man, that could have been me!

Kelso

We'll get a running start. And then, I'll jump in and zoom down the hill like the bobsledders do.

Fez

And then, because this is a canoe on dirt and gravel instead of a bobsled on ice, bad things are gonna happen to you.

Kelso

This is why I'm a legend, Fez.

Hyde

Alright, Kelso. [picks up the Stupid Helmet] This time you're wearing a helmet.

Kelso

Thanks, Hyde, but I think I'm not gonna put on a helmet with a bunch of worms and stuff crammed inside.

Hyde

It's not a prank!

Kelso

Well, now it's not, 'cause I didn't fall for it!

Hyde

It finally happened. I've become the boy who cried helmet.

Kelso

Okay, on three. ...Go!

Kelso

WOOHOO! [jumps; lands with a thud] Holy crap! Did you see me bounce off of that tree?!

Fez

You look dorky.

Donna

Hyde, I am so sorry. I don't know my own strength. I mean, I guess I'm still all bulked up from J.V. Wrestling. You know what? This isn't my fault. This is Eric's fault for taking off.

Fez

Hey, look at the bright side. Now I can spy on you from Eric's empty bedroom instead of climbing up a tree where there's no place to put my juice box.

Kelso

Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower. So I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I think to myself: "You know what? You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna." And then I think, "No, because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time." But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.

Jackie

[enters room] Oh, Steven, I heard what happened.

Hyde

And you brought me flowers?

Jackie

No, these are for me. My boyfriend fell off the water tower. So what, Donna, you're alone, and you want me to be alone, too?

Kitty

Okay, Steven, get on home. I'll take care of you later. Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.

Hyde

I don't need that baby crap [he waits till the guys are out of the room, turns back and gives Kitty a kiss]

Jackie

Hey Fez I think I have something in my eye.

Fez

Is it Donna's engagement ring?

Jackie

No. No it's too big for that.

Hyde

Maybe we should get some doctor's masks. So we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.

Eric

Okay. okay. Donna, you though the engagement ring was big enough right? [Donna hesitates]

Kelso

Burn!

Donna

I didn't say anything!

Kelso

Then say something.

Donna

It could've been bigger.

Kelso

BURN!

Kelso

How could I lose a girl to you? You don't even speak English!

Fez

Well, Kelso, look at the bright side. Danielle is a wonderful girl who likes me better than you.

Kelso

Why is that the bright side?

Fez

Because, BUUUUUUUUURN!

Hyde

Okay, here’s the situation. Thanksgiving Night, everything’s closed. We need to find a hundred record bins by midnight. It’s the same damn thing every year.

Jackie

Wait, I have a question. …How does hair know to grow? And how far inside your head does it go? Does it touch your brain?

Hyde

Okay, I think we need to get Jerry Garcia here some coffee.

Fez

Let the girl rap. I will sing to it! What do you think about my head?

Kelso

The Head, that’s the name! I saved the day!

Donna

You know what would be perfect for the records? Those boxes that milk bottles come in. They’re like crates… or crepes. Crepes! How good are crepes?!

Hyde

That’ll work, man. We need, like, fifty empty milk crates.

Jackie

Well, how are we gonna drink all that milk? Wait! We need fifty boxes of cookies!

Hyde

No, wastoid! We’ll steal the crates! It’s perfect. Milk crates.

Donna

Milk crates.

Kelso

Milk crates.

Fez

Milky craties!

Hyde

This is one messed-up Christmas, man. You guys are all starting to look like elves.

Kelso

[laughing while taking off elf ears and hat] That must’ve freaked you out! [laughs again]

Eric

[watches Donna play with a Gyro Wheel] It’s gonna fall off.

Donna

It’s okay.

Eric

Oh my God, it—it is gonna fall off!

Donna

It’s okay!

Fez

Let me give you my recipe for holiday cheer. Take one slop and half a bottle of schnapps, then stir freely with Fez. It is a wonderful life.

Kelso

The only thing that could ruin today is if the Russians set off that Russian death ray that’s pointed at the White House. No, seriously. I read about it in a magazine.

Eric

Kelso, that was “The Flash,” and it is a comic book.

Fez

I love comic books. I wish I had thought bubbles. [pause] So, you see anything?

Hyde

Kelso, the Russians don't have a death ray. But they do have a stupid ray, and it's pointed directly at you.

Kelso

[picks up the phone] No, the Russians do have a death ray, and I'll prove it. Oh, operator, uh...give me the White House.

Eric

Kelso! ...I'm not allowed to make long-distance calls without permission.

Kelso

Oh, awesome! I'm on hold and they're playing that theme song to the President.

Eric

Hail to the Chief.

Kelso

Oh, thank you, Eric. But I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song.

Eric

Good job disposing of all the evidence you guys.

Kelso

You better take this serious, Eric. We have a lot of evidence to dispose of, even more than we had at the Pink Floyd concert.

Fez

Yeah, there is a lot. Without all the smoke machines and lasers...this is just a punishment.

Hyde

Man, I never thought I'd say this...but I wish there were more people to share this with.

Hyde

This is our third circle and it hasn't calmed me down at all. ...I feel almost more suspicious than before!

Fez

I don't wanna get sent back to my home country. If I return in shame, I will get stoned! And then, they'll throw rocks at me!

Eric

Everybody just settle down. Okay...SETTLE DOWN! YOU ARE ALL LOSING YOUR MINDS! WHO IS YELL—WHO IS YELLING?! We all...just need to...keep...calm. [hears someone knocking] THAT'S THE DOOR! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

It's like you guys have your own language- I don't even understand half the things you say.

Kelso

Hah–if you understand anything Fez says, you're the only one. Burn! [Fez and Kelso laugh]

Fez

Oh, Kelso can't understand me- now I know how it feels to be a book! A-burn! [Fez and Kelso laugh again]

See? Man, I wanna "burn" somebody so I can be part of the gang!

Donna

This gang? Angie, the only reason this gang formed was because no one would let us into their gang! We're like the chess club- but better looking... and dumber.

Kelso

Don't touch that! It's breast milk!

Fez

Breast milk... from real breasts? [looks at Donna's chest] What don't they do?

Eric

Poor Donna. I think I hurt her pretty bad. Her neck’s stuck, just tilted over like this. But on the upside, it looks like she’s really interested in everything I have to say.

Fez

So, she’s got a bad neck. Quit whining. I’ve gone out with girls that don’t even have necks. [in high-pitched voice while tilting head up] “Hi, Fez!”

Kelso

One time, this girl whipped her head around to look at me ‘cause I’m hot, and her neck just snapped. And then, she collapsed into the jukebox.

Hyde

Kelso, that was the Fonz.

Kelso

Well, where do you think they got it from?

Hyde

Forman, forget being a chiropractor, man. The way I see it, you’re diligent, tidy, and detail-oriented. So I think you should become a professional… butt wiper.

Kelso

Come on, man, this is serious. Eric, you gotta start off slow. First, you should be an amateur butt wiper.

Fez

What’s wrong with you two? So rude. Eric, I think you should move to Paris. That way you can become a butt wipier.

Kelso

There’s nothing like drinking beer straight from the tap! [burps] This must be why babies love breast-feeding!

Hyde

That reminds me of an ancient Chinese proverb. It goes… something, something, something, crazy girlfriend. Something, something, drink the last beer.

Eric

[gargles beer] Hyde, I don’t think we’re gonna find the answer to our problems in a keg of beer. [pause] Unless they’re at the bottom, so drink up!

I’ve been in this warehouse a hundred times, and I never drank this. Now, I know why my grandmother’s an alcoholic! This feels great!

Fez

[after spraying beer straight into his mouth] …I’m gonna need a bigger mouth.

Eric

So I gotta go over to Donna's and get my going-away present. Man, she is, like, the world's worst gift giver. Remember that ugly sweater vest and that huge man ring? Now, I gotta go get excited about some other lame thing. "Oh, wow, Donna, clown shoes. Thank you so much."

Fez

I wish I had a beautiful girl give me clown shoes. Hell, I'd settle for a beautiful clown giving me girl shoes.

Kelso

I dated a clown once. But as soon as I learned how to make those balloon animals, I dumped her.

Hyde

I thought you left town.

Jackie

Why? Because you're so amazing and incredible that I simply couldn't exist in the same town as you knowing you couldn't make a commitment?

Hyde

No, because you wrote me a note saying that you left town.

Jackie

Oh.

Kelso

Want me to cover you up with the stinky blanket?

Hyde

Would you guys get lost?

Fez

Oh, you want your privacy. I understand. We're just gonna go upstairs and listen through the vent.

Hyde

So, what are you doing here, Jackie? You got something you wanna say to me?

Jackie

Yes, I wanted to say that I'm leaving for real this time.

Hyde

So, you came back to tell me that you're leaving again?

Jackie

Yes, but this is good-bye.

Hyde

Alright, I'll see you tomorrow, then.

Jackie

Steven, I'm serious.

Hyde

So, want to hang out next week?

Jackie

I'm going. [walks away, then turns around] Unless... Unless, Steven, there's something you'd like to say. In which case, I'm listening.

Hyde

Yeah. Have a good trip.

Jackie

I will.

Kelso

[shouting from outside] Can you guys stand closer to the vent and talk louder?