Fez quotes from That '70s Show

Donna

That is awesome! Fez, you gotta tell us about this dream.

Kelso

Wha? No you don't gotta! Look at him! He's undressing me with his eyes, right now!

Fez

You undressed yourself you son of a bitch!!!

Eric

Fez, tell us what happened. And, and don't be afraid to use colorful words like sweaty, or fondle or forbidden. Go on.

Fez

Well...Kelso was a nurse. And there was ... sponging.

Kelso

Ohhh!

Fez

Hey, maybe, maybe the dream continued and we went to find some girls?

Kelso

Well, did it continue?!?

Fez

No! What could this mean?

Kelso

Well, isn't it obvious? It means that I'm gay!

Fez

Um... I am a painter from a foreign country, and this is my gift to America!

Get off the water tower!

Fez

[raises his arms] People of America, I give you "Genitals in the Sky"!

Fez

Hang on, Dad.

Red

Kitty?

Kitty

Yes, Red?

Red

If I don't make it, kill the foreigner!

Donna

Okay. I'm gonna freak everyone out and tell my ghost story, so go hide in the woods and jump out when I get to the end.

Eric

[in a British accent] You are as wicked as you are gorgeous.

Donna

You know... it really creeps me out being out here after what happened to those kids.

Kelso

What kids?

Donna

A bunch of kids just like us were camping out up here, [turns on flashlight pointed at her face] and they disappeared. And all the police could find were these bloody drag marks that led down to the lake. It was like... it was like something killed them, and then pulled them in.

Fez

Maybe it was the Loch Ness Monster.

Laurie

No, Fez. The Loch Ness Monster's in Africa.

Donna

So the police, like, searched the lake with their sonar and stuff. And when they played back the tapes all they could hear in the background was, like, a whisper.

Kelso

What did it say?

Donna

[scarily; points flashlight at Kelso] "I am the Lady of the Lake. I am the Lady of the Lake." Yeah, and you'll know when she's coming because she screams before she kills. Let's see if we can hear her. [pause] I said, Let's see if we can hear her!

Eric

D–Donna, I'm stuck in a thornbush.

Kelso

I heard her! She's stuck in a thornbush!

Jackie

Steven, I am so glad we are back together. I thought I lost my pudding pop forever.

Hyde

You wanna hear something sick? I actually missed you calling me pudding pop. [They continue making out and Donna and Eric come in]

Donna

How many times have I told you guys not to make out on my bed? You guys are like cats; you don't even listen. [sprays Jackie and Hyde with water]

Jackie

You're leaving tonight so technically this isn't your bed anymore. Besides I just can't keep my hands off my puddin' pop.

Puddin' Pop?

Hyde

Is that supposed to be me? I never had that name before in my life.

Fez

We should think about getting her something else. What do you think Puddin' pop?

Hyde

Why does everyone keep callin' me that? My name's not Puddin' pop! I never heard that name before in my life! Forman's dead.

Jackie

Hey, you guys think that's funny you should hear what Steven calls me. He calls me his- [Hyde shoves a piece of cake in her face] Hey! Oh hey, that's some good cake!

Red

[referring to Fez's impending questioning by the INS] And I guess it might be fun to just sit back and watch Tarzan here crumble before the full force of the U.S Government.

Fez

Okay, that's it. Anwar I can deal with. Tonto, in the ballpark, but Tarzan... Tarzan is a white guy!

Red

Don't sass me, Tarzan.

Fez

Laurie: well, look who the whore dragged in, herself. May I remind you you're married?

Laurie

Oh, that's okay. The guy from last night was married, too.

Fez

What is your problem?

Red

Oh, are you two at it again? Your green card is on the way. [to Kitty] I thought this marriage was over.

Kitty

Laurie, I gave you fifty dollars last week to go down to the courthouse and file for divorce. What happened?

Laurie

Well, I had to get a new makeup mirror and some wine.

Red

Tomorrow we're going to the courthouse. [Red and Kitty walk away.]

Fez

Hmmmm, the courthouse is across town. I wonder if you can make it all the way there without sleeping with someone?

Laurie

I bet I can make it there without sleeping with you. [Laurie walks away.]

Fez

Bitch.

Red

[as Fez comes into the room and sits down] Still not speaking to me, huh?

Fez

[puts his book down, annoyed] Fine, I'll speak. I spend all day running your bald, grumpy ass around town. And do I get a thanks?! No. Because you're unpleasant!

Red

...You wanna know why I'm unpleasant? I just had a heart attack, and now I have to be driven around like a useless dope by the idiot that married my daughter and gave me the heart attack in the first place! [stands up, causing Fez to jump back] But I am also unpleasant because I just spent the entire day cooped up in the car, breathing that mustard gas you call "cologne!" But mostly I'm unpleasant, because that's how it works in this family!

Fez

[gets choked up]...I'm family?

Red

[beat] Ah, crap!

Red

What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?

Fez

He led the Allies to victory in World War II and sent those jack-booted Nazi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.

Red

I didn't understand a word you said, but I heard "Nazi bastards" and that's good enough for me.

Jackie

Why are you guys all in Steven's room?

Fez

Well, Hyde was here so I came in because I am not comfortable enough with myself to be alone.

Jackie

Yeah, but it's all gray like a prison cell. Gray is why prisoners are unhappy.

Hyde

Really, I always thought it? was the loss of freedom ...... and the uninvited man love.

Kelso

It totally wasn't my fault! I I got there early to practice with my flare gun because I wanted to show Brooke an actual "B" for a change.

Fez

Okay, so far 0 percent your fault.

Kelso

Then accidentally shot off a flare and it went [whistling sound] right under the bleachers.

Hyde

Well, now we've jumped to about 60 percent your fault.

Kelso

Kay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare because you know what they say, you gotta "fight fire with fire."

Jackie

Yeah, this is now, like, 99 percent your fault.

Kelso

So, then I shot another flare into the air to warn people about the fire and that one just went right on the roof, so I just got the hell out of there.

Cadet Mike.

Kelso

Officer Kennedy, you know my friends Hyde and Fez.

Yeah, I remember. But it seems to me their names were Trouble and Maker.

Hyde

Trouble and Maker. That's clever.

Fez

I think it's funny. They put us together, and we're troublemakers.

Shut up. I hope these two delinquents don't interfere with the progress you've been making here, Mike.

Kelso

No, sir. Not at all, sir.

Well, we'll see. I'll have my eye on you...on all of you.

Kelso

He's a good man.

Hyde

All right, you're really starting to creep me out. Help me grab the beer out of the car. I'm gonna drink until that moustache turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.

Fez

So you like those books too, Mr. Red?

Red

Alright fine, so you know. But you tell one person, and so help me God, I will chop down whatever tree you live in!

Donna

Okay, Kelso: Truth or dare.

Kelso

Uh... truth.

Donna

Have you ever snuck into my bathroom while I was showering?

Kelso

...I mean, dare.

Fez

You have snuck in there! I was there and I saw you! ...I mean, dare.

Jackie

Okay, Steven: Truth or dare? The truth will be whether or not you love me, and the dare will be... telling me that you love me!

Hyde

Okay. [sighs] Pass.

Mitch

Okay, Mitch: Truth or dare? Um, I pick dare, Mitch. Okay, Mitch. I dare you to kiss Donna. [gasps at himself] Mitch! Naughty Mitch!

Donna

Mitch, you goofball. That’s not how that works. You have to be, like, "I dare you to kiss me."

Mitch

Okay.

Eric

WHAT THE HELL?!

Kelso

Oh, he did it!

Fez

Look at him go! He's like a hummingbird!

Eric

You know, I never stopped loving you.

Donna

Eric... [kisses Eric]

Kelso

Hyde, I never stopped loving you, either. [takes Hyde's hand in his]

Hyde

[pretends to tear up] Don't. I promised myself I wouldn't cry!

Fez

You guys better be kidding, or I'm gonna be super pissed!