Crap, it's almost time for me to go get my shots. God, why do I have to get shots anyway? So I get yellow fever. I could use a little color.
FezYou guys, this might be our last circle together. We're growing up. I mean, [Hyde and Kelso] have jobs, and Eric is off to start his life, and...I'm doing more shaving than ever.
Eric, I know you're scared of getting your shots, so I'm gonna be a pal and get 'em with you. 'Cause I owe you for that time I chucked that dead raccoon at you...and then, it turned out to not be dead. And then it bit you, and then you kicked it back at me, and then it bit me, and then we both had to go and get rabies shots.
Remember on the way to the hospital, Kelso saw that dog, and he jumped out of the car because he wanted to go pet it. But he forgot the car was moving and he broke his arm. It was the funniest, bloodiest, most rabies-filled day ever!
Look at us. Best friends offering to help each other. You know, we always have to remember this moment. [Red walks in on the circle behind Eric; everyone except Eric stares at Red] What?
I am in huge... trouble. [laughs]
[Kelso, Fez, and Donna forgot to bring beer. Charlie gives them a six-pack]
How much do we love this guy?
Fez
He's a prince!
Charlie, it is so awesome hanging out with you.
CCharlie
Ah thanks guys, it feels so good to finally belong to something you know. It's like the first day of the rest of my life! [ leans against the railing, which breaks] WHOOHOO!
Fez
THE BEER! [gang looks down and hears a thud]
That was a pretty awkward landing...I hope he's okay.
Of course he's okay. It's not like anyone ever died falling off the water tower.
[narrating to tape recorder, in kitchen]...And so they renamed it the Charlie Richardson Memorial Water Tower.
[The gang hosts one last circle with Kelso in the basement before he leaves Point Place]
I can't believe it's our last circle before I go. Wait a minute... Oh! Now I get why we call it a circle! THAT IS FREAKING AWESOME!
You know, Michael, I will always remember you as the first boy who kissed me… and proposed to me, and told me that putting out makes your nails grow. I really believed you.
Kelso, I'm kinda gonna miss you constantly trying to grab my boob. You made me feel pretty. ...I am messed up.
Fez
Donna, I give you my word. I will always be here, trying to grab your boob. We'll do it for Kelso...[tears up] who won't be here to do it anymore. Oh, God!
Man... Kelso, this is weird. I always imagined our last moment together would be me... watching you strapped to a homemade rocket, flailing around in circles screaming, "Turn it off! Turn it off!"
Well, guess this is goodbye. ...Man, I'm gonna miss this. Like, being down here, I've had, like, the best time of my life. And you know what? No matter where I live, I will love you guys forever. [pause] Well, guess it's time to go. So... see ya.
[Kelso gets up and leaves the basement]
Fez
[holding back tears] My beautiful tormentor!
[runs back inside] I'm not leaving til tomorrow! [points at Fez] And you were crying! BURN!
[The gang just 'kidnapped' Fatso the Clown]
[entering the basement] So you guys-[screams] WHAT THE HELL IS THAT DOING HERE?!
We stole Fatso the Clown! And now we're gonna...uhm...what do we do with a stolen clown?
[in starting a Circle] THIS is what we do with a stolen clown. Actually, this is what we do without a stolen clown. It always comes back to this.
FFatso
[Randy providing voice] Hohohohohohohoho. Thanks for bringing me here you guys!
So Fatso, now that you're free, is there anything we can do for ya?
FFatso
Huhuh yeah. Find me a really trashy clown-hooker with nice long legs and a pair of double D [honks horn].
I found this in the garage.
Fez
Oh Randy, you think you are so funny [sniggers] That was funny.
Look at that freaky-ass clown. It's just staring at me...he doesn't even blink...
It's because he likes you. He loves you. He wants to marry you and then..KILL YOU! [Jackie screams loud]
[unaware that the gang, consisting of Donna, Hyde, Fez and Randy are attempting to 'kidnap' Fatso the Clown, the mascot for Fatso Burger, attempts to order from the drive through of the fast food joint] What's Cookin', Fatso?
Fez
[hiding behind the Fatso statue] Uhm... [in American accent] Welcome to Fatso burger.
I'll have a uh, big fatso combo with extra secret sauce.
Fez
Would you like apple pie with that?
Fez
And the extra large soda for 10 cents more?
Fez
Oh, And onion rings are free with all that.
Fez
So let me read that back. One big Fatso combo with extra sauce, an apple pie, extra large soda and one onion rings.
Fez
Sorry we're closed.
What? Then why did you take my order?
Fez
Thank you please drive away.
Fez
Then go get a pizza.
Fez
WELL WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?!
Fez
[in regular accent] SEE YOU THERE LARD ASS! [Bob drives away angry as Randy, Donna and Hyde come out from hiding]
That was awesome. Bob just got into a fight with a ceramic clown.
Believe it or not it wasn't the first time.
[Fez is nursing a face wound Caroline gave to him after she sees Jackie kiss him]
Fez
Jackie, what was that kiss all about?
Fez it's something that I wanted to do for a really long time. And I was wondering..you know, hoping, that maybe you and I could be together.
Fez
You want to be with me?!
Yeah. I mean Fez, my life has been so crappy lately that you have been the one good thing.
Fez
Well. So you want me because you're lonely? Great, so that makes me what, your last resort?
No Fez. You're wrong, it's not...
Fez
You know what Jackie, forget it. You went to be with Kelso AND Hyde. I don't wanna be your sloppy thirds. [Jackie goes to her room]
[Jackie's been taking revenge on Fez for turning her down, and he has planned a counterstrike in their apartment's shower]
Fez, if this is the ex-lax prank, I'd rather hear about it then see it.
Fez
No it's better. And she's turning the shower off.. she's getting out...look at herself in the mirror and... [Jackie screams, goes out of the shower with her hair dyed green]
Fez
Ho ho ho Green Jackie!
Fez, you completely ruined my hair!
Fez
You destroyed my car!
I had every right to destroy your car, you turned me down!
Fez
You turned me down like a million times and I never did anything!
Actually I remember a lot of crying.
Fez
Yes I cried, because I have feelings, unlike you Jackie.
Oh, huhuh. I have feelings. And they told me to buy a bottle of spray paint and tell the whole world that you have a tiny-
Fez
IT'S NORMAL SIZED! Well you know what, I'm glad I turned you down, because you are a mean, bitter girl. And now, you're ugly on the outside like you are ugly on the inside.
Holy crap man, cover your nipples!
I can't believe that's what you really think of me.
Fez
Well it is.
Fine. I'll just go pack up my things and get out of your life. [returns to her room]
Damn man, that was harsh.
Fez
Yeah. Must have been my Jamaican fire.
So...you're from Jamaica?
Fez
No, Jamaican Fire. It's my new cologne.
[Donna waits for Eric on the Vista Cruiser, reminiscing about their relationship.]
Sorry I'm late. Caught the last flight out. So... awkward! [both of them laugh] So, how are you?
I start college next week.
[long pause] So, what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve?
Look Donna, when I left, I was so positive that I was doing the right thing, but now I've been gone so long–
[tearfully] Eric, things are a lot different now.
Yeah, it's just... Donna, I thought about you, like, every day. And you know what? It turns out that Red was right. I am a dumbass. [pause] Donna, I'm sorry. [kisses Donna] So, uh... sounds like there's a party going on in there.
Yeah, there is. Your mom's, like, really drunk.
Oh, okay... Yeah, I don't know if I'm ready for all that. I wish there was just some way to take the edge off...
[Cut to the final circle in the Formans' basement]
Edge, you are officially off.
Fez
Eric, I have the most incredible news. I have kissed Jacqueline Burkhart!
Yeah, Fez, I have some incredible news, too. So has everyone else.
I think it makes total sense that Fez ended up with Jackie. She started out with me, the Ferrari. And then, she went to Hyde, the Mustang. And now, she's with Fez, who's like a... donkey pulling a cart full of brightly colored, Mexican blankets.
Oh, hey, Kelso. I almost forgot. I got you something from Africa for your daughter. [holds up...] Check it out! A genuine... plastic rhino horn.
This is awesome! [holds rhino horn over his forehead] Look, guys, I'm a rhino! Ruff, ruff!
Guys, I think it's time we honor all the brain cells that survived the '70s. Despite our best efforts, some of those bastards pulled through. Tonight... they're going down.
Fez
Die, brain cells, die! And you're next, liver. [takes a sip of beer]
Hey... Did you guys hear about that car that runs on water? It's got a fiberglass, air-cooled engine, and it runs on water, man!
It's like we never run out of things to talk about down here.
[Donna and Jackie enter the basement]
I knew you burnouts would be down here.
You guys, it's almost midnight. Mrs. Forman's pouring the champagne!
Hey, guys. Last one upstairs... has to call Red a dumbass!
[The gang rushes upstairs. Hyde grabs Kelso and makes him the last left behind.]
Oh, man. [wears the "Stupid Helmet" and goes upstairs]
AAll
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
[The license plate at the end of the closing credits finally switches from '79 to '80]
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
