So, do you like photos, man?
HydeYeah, man. Sure.
Okay, you got the job, man.
Hyde
Just like that? You don't need to interview anyone else?
No one else showed up, man.
Hyde
So, what do I do here, anyway?
Well, I don't expect a lot, man. Like, pretty much, if the hut doesn't burn down, it's been a good day. And even if it burnt down, man, it's cool, 'cause I got three or four more of these little huts somewhere. Hey, listen. If you see one of these huts, could you give me a call, man?
Hyde
Or even better, I could take a picture.
Whoa, a picture of a Photo Hut. Hey, that'd be like art or something, huh. Hey, listen, man. Hope you don't mind if I pay you in cash. I don't like big brother gettin' into my business, you dig.
Hyde
Man, keeping the government out of it. I'm so with you.
No, my big brother, man. He's always hittin' me up for money.
Hyde
Oh, 'cause you're the responsible one?
Yeah, it's my curse, man. Hey, listen. I gotta go, uh, do a thing at, uh, a place.
Hyde
Yeah, man, I hear that. So, want me to lock up when I'm done?
Lock up? Wow, that's a great idea, man. Hey, you're one of those idea men, aren't ya, man?
Hyde
Yeah, maybe some day you'll be working for me, huh.
Really? Oh, that'd be cool, man. Hey, but can I have Saturday night off? Cool!
Hyde
So where's Donna, man?
Donna? Donna? Oh! You mean that girl who spent last night in my bed?
Hyde
Yeah, yeah, that's the one.
She went home this morning.
Hyde
So? Ah? Ah? Soooo?
So let's just say she went home a very happy woman.
[while in the circle] Man, I'm having a horrible day. Laurie's gone, and now Jackie's all suspicious of me. And I'm getting no lovin'. None! I can't be me without lovin'!
Hyde
Kelso... if you wanna keep Jackie, man–and trust me, you don't–you gotta act innocent. Okay? Let's practice. So, did you fool around with Laurie?
Hyde
Dumbass! No, man! Complete denial! Watergate, learn! [sighs] ...Did you fool around with Laurie?
Yeah. Wait, no! I mean, no! Wait, I mean... yeah? Oh, see, this isn't gonna work!
[Kitty awaits the outcome of Red's Price Mart supervisor interview]
Hyde
I'll be in the basement.
Hyde
Oh, sure, when things get ugly, suddenly I'm family!
Hyde
You are so going to end up in porno!
[sees a grumpy Red walk in] Hi honey! [Red walks over to the bar and begins pouring a drink]
Right to the bar. Not a good sign.
What are you all looking at? Don't you think that...Price Mart's new supervisor deserves a drink?
Hey, congratulations, Dad.
Thanks, Eric. Oh, and you're fired.
Hey, you know what? I'm not fired.
Ok, if it's so important to you, you're not fired. But if your grades start to slip, you are fired! I love saying that!
Hyde
God help the poor bastards who work for you, huh?
[laughs] Wait, uh, I work for you.
[Fez tries out Twister on his own]
Ok, here we go. [spins the spinner] Right hand blue. [does game behind the couch.]
Fez, you can't play Twister by yourself.
That's where you're wrong, my friend. [pause] Right leg green. Oh, that's gonna be tough. [leg appears above the couch, then he slowly puts it back down]
Hyde
Hey, Fez, man. The circus called. They said they'd pay you fifty bucks a week if you can kiss your own ass.
Hyde
Look, man. If God had meant for virgins to lose it to other virgins, he wouldn't have given us middle-aged hookers, man!
Amen, brother! Because if there's one thing men like us know, it's how to have sex. ...Oh, I cannot live with this lie. Everyone, prepare to be shocked. I, Fez...am still a virgin.
[sarcastically] Gosh, my world no longer makes sense. Fine, Hyde. But now that the middle-aged hooker ship has sailed, what am I supposed to do?
Well, I know I got a lot better when I started making out with your sister. I got it! You should make out with my sister!
Hyde
Kelso, man, I've seen your sister. She's a virgin, and she's gonna be for a long time.
Hyde, what are you saying?
Well, I think he's saying... "Moooo!"
Okay, maybe you did not hear me. Fez, the man you all revere... has still not had sex.
Hyde
Yeah, heard you the first time. Forman, you've gotta figure out what you're doin' wrong, man. And fast. You know what women call guys who are lame in the sack? Just friends.
Yeah, but you can't let the pressure get to you. I mean, don't think about how embarrassing it'd be if you tried, and you couldn't. How she'd stare at you with those cruel black eyes. As if to say... "You're not really a man, Michael! YOU'RE NOT A MAN AT ALL!"
[pause] O...kay. Well, this has been... really helpful, guys.
Alright, you called my bluff. I am not really a virgin. [chuckles] ...Yes, I am.
Okay, Laurie, I know what you told Hyde.
What are you talking about, loser?
The camp story. Doctor Pee Pee. You're dead.
[whispering to Hyde] what's going on?
Hyde
Shh. Pretend it's TV.
Well, I know some stuff about you, little lady. Fellas, Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes, and shoulder blades.
In the fifth grade, Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kit 'cause a girl kicked sand in his face.
You stuffed in high school.
Last year Laurie used all of her birthday money to buy a back massager; which isn't fooling anyone, by the way.
Well, that's not as bad as the time I walked in on you in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster and you were all--
Laurie was born with a tail!
[Fez gasps.]
Hyde
What?
Yeah! Laurie was born with a tail!
I HATE YOU! [runs upstairs]
It's true. [puts hands together and makes a tail]
Hyde
Boy, Laurie, you really liked that hot dog. You didn't even chew it!
Oh, hey, Hyde. Father's Day is coming up. Shouldn't you practice saying, "Hi, are you my Daddy?"
Hyde
Oh, by the way, Laurie. The surgeon general called. He wanted you to stop hoarding all the penicillin.
You know, when you're in prison, your bad table manners will probably just be a turn-on for some guy named Tank.
Hyde
Well, maybe when you're there for a conjugal visit, you can ask him to take it easy on me.
Okay. Lets see your pictures. Kitty, what do you see when you think of God? [Kitty shows picture] Oh, that's nice. Very lifelike.
See He's, um, He's looking down fondly on all of us going to church.
Steven. [Hyde shows picture of a man with long hair and a beard] Very good. I see, when you think of God, you see Jesus.
Hyde
No man, it's Clapton.
Oh my God, man. I drew Clapton too.
[After Jackie mauls Laurie]
I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me slut rabies.
Jackie, you're my hero. [Jackie looks confused. Eric continues] You hit her in the eye.
Yeah but I guess it wasn't very zen of me, was it Hyde?
Hyde
Well, where zen ends, ass-kicking begins. And that's your final lesson, grasshopper.
[Hyde scans pictures of Jackie's yearbook copy when he sees something]
Hyde
Oh my God, someone in the crowd is mooning! [gang rushes to see it.] You're all cheering away and all the time you're getting mooned, yeah!
Oh, my God, that's a girl butt. There's girl butt in the yearbook. Oh man, I can't tell who it is, I wish we had a magnifying glass.
[whips out a magnifying glass] Here you go. [Gang looks back at him.] I was just playing with some bugs.
God, I can't believe it, someone's nasty butt is in my picture.
Oh my God, that's not girl butt...that's Donna's butt! [Kelso, Hyde and Fez look at a pleased Donna, and then at her butt]
[As Hyde is taken into custody over marijuana]
Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll be more than friends. Because now I love you!
Hyde
Oh, my God, will you shut up?
[Flashback]
I am so baked! I think. No, yeah I am... I think.
You know guys, I've been living my life all wrong. All I ever thought about was school. Studying, reading, homework... well, that's over! Thanks, Hyde.
Young Hyde
Hey, man, don't thank me. Thank my mom. If she hadn't have passed out, I couldn't have raided her stash.
You have the best mom ever!
Hey, guys, you know what? Yesterday, I was wrestling with Donna, and I felt her boob! It was beautiful... and squishy.
Squishy... Hey, guys! I had this dream that I was kissing my English teacher. And when I woke up, I was stuck to my bed. [chuckles]
Young Hyde
Kelso, man, that's not normal. You could die. ...Hey, isn't your English teacher a guy?
Yeah. ...No, I meant my Spanish teacher. She's a girl. Man, what's in this stuff?
Hey guys. I'm having the best time ever. I think. No, yeah I am.
[while family is watching The Brady Bunch]
Hey did you see the one where Mr. Brady went insane and put bells on all the doors?
Did you see the one where Greg was being a real wise ass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
Did you see the one where I hate living here?
Hyde
That's my favorite.
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
