Steven Hyde quotes from That &#039;70s Show

Tonight, [sniffles] I learned there's a price to be paid for doing it. She said forever, man. And I think she meant it.

The inside of my mouth feels like cotton. As if cotton was in my mouth.

Hyde

Kelso, man... Women are like muffins, okay? And once you've had a muffin, man, you will put up with anything to have another muffin! And they know that! Now she really owns you, man.

Hyde, you sure know a lot about women. But, I mean, you've never really had a steady girlfriend. So, what's that all about?

Hyde

I'll tell you what that's all about, Forman. My mind is pure, man. I don't fall victim to the female race. I'm here, sans girlfriend, to help you guys out.

Then I have a question, Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?

Hyde

No such thing as too much, Fez.

S1 E16 The First Date

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Guys, guess who's taking Pam Macey to the prom?

Hyde

Anyone with a quarter?

NO, ME!

Damn, and I had a quarter.

S1 E19 Prom Night

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I'm so excited about Star Whores.

Hyde

Fez man, it's Star Wars.

Screw that.

Hyde

Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.

Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.

Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.

S1 E20 A New Hope

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Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!

This is the proudest moment of my life.

Hyde

It doesn't look like a pot leaf.

What?

Hyde

It looks like a hand giving the finger.

It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde, it's art.

Hyde

Get up and make it better!

Fine!

[Kelso gets up on the railing and takes the paint brush.]

Hyde

Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]

Jackie

[Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]

Hyde

Hey, Kelso!

[weakly] Yeah?

Hyde

How's it look from down there?!

It looks like it's giving me the finger!

S1 E21 Water Tower

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[Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]

We don't think that you should go.

New York is a dangerous place.

A young man today needs a high school diploma.

In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.

Do you have any idea what the job market is like?

The people are rude. And you have feelings.

Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.

They spit. That's right, they spit!

What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?

Hyde

I'm not afraid of anything and I'm going!

Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.

S1 E22 Punk Chick

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[to Hyde] Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man! Do you wanna mess with that?!

Why do you want to leave Point Place? It is fun!

Hyde

Yeah, it is fun, man. And I’m gonna miss the hell out of you guys... but Chrissy’s cool. And it’s the Big Apple, man! Hey, do you think Lou Reed’s in the phone book? ‘Cause I’d bet he’d really like me.

[chuckles] Lou Reed. Where are you goin’? Who’s Chrissy?

[to Hyde] It’s not so bad here, man. We got the TV, and... peanut butter. [holds up a paddle with no ball] And I got this thing... The ball part rolled under the dryer.

Hyde, you cannot leave. You gave me my first beer, remember? And then, I threw up on that cop.

Hyde

[laughs] That was a good time, man.

Wait a minute. Back up! Nobody tells me anything! What’s the ball doing under the dryer?!

S1 E22 Punk Chick

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[Hyde walks into the basement.]

Hyde

Forman. Let's go get wasted.

[Eric points at Hyde, as to prove a point.]

Donna

[exasperated] Great!

See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.

Hyde

[frowns] Your grandma's dead? Oh, man... Let's go get wasted.

S1 E23 Grandma's Dead

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[Hyde has been helping Eric and Red go through boxes of Grandma's belongings, and has found old photography supplies. Red explains that his father had been an amateur photographer.]

Hyde

Hey, Forman. Got any naked pictures of your grandma?

[shocked and angry] NO!

Hyde

[laughing maniacally, hands him the box] Well, you do now!!

S1 E23 Grandma's Dead

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[Kitty suggests something for Hyde to do at a garage sale.]

Oh, Steven, I have a great idea: you can sell lemonade.

Hyde

Mrs. Forman, I've thrown a lot of rocks at kids with lemonade stands... and Lord knows I hate a hypocrite!

You could have a little bake sale.

Hyde

I'd pretty much beat up any kid selling anything.

Steven, you could just do a little table with some cookies and some brownies..

Hyde

I'm not much of -- brownies. I could make brownies because [stands] people love brownies!

No, they DON'T.

Hyde

Oh, they love my brownies!

S2 E1 Garage Sale

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[Kitty is driving Red, Eric, Hyde, and Fez back home after a long last-day binge. The guys are singing Wylie Hubbard's Up Against The Wall, Redneck Mother]

Okay, you know what? Let's turn that off. [switches radio off]

Hyde

[To Red] Hey, I got Amy's phone number.

Good for you, Steven.

Hyde

I hope she's still pretty tomorrow.

Okay, you know what? Let's just turn that Redneck Mother song back on! [Gang resumes singing]

S2 E2 Red's Last Day

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Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.

That's because I don't know what it is.

Well, it's just, it's eggs and hash and some…surprises!

Mom, why aren't you eating it?

Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.

Hyde

Is this rabbit?

No!

Laurie

Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?

Laurie, it is not dog food. And God, I hope so.

[walks in dressed in a suit and tie] So: would you hire me?

Laurie

I'd hire you, Daddy! Especially if the position was world's best father.

S2 E3 The Velvet Rope

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[Red and Kitty talk with Professor Stark, who wants to get Laurie in class again]

So, what does she need to do to get back into school?

SProfessor Stark

Well, she'll have to work with me. Make a commitment...to school. She'll really have to buckle down.

Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go?

Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing. You know Dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today. In the garage.

Laurie

[thoughts] Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES!

It was just...it was so surprising.

Hyde

Oh Eric, do tell!

I saw Laurie....

SStark

I'm in love with your daughter! [long pause; Red and Stark get up from the table and walk towards each other] Dad!

That's it! Come here!! [Chases Stark out of the room]

S2 E4 Laurie and the Professor

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So you're telling me, if were to go to up to someone's house and say "trick or treat!" they would give me a free piece of candy?

EDEric, Donna, Hyde, Kelso, and Jackie

YES!!!

Oh I don't believe you!

[Cutaway to Fez at someone's door dressed as Batman]

Trick or treat! [person drops an apple into Fez' bag] An apple? Where's my candy you son of a bitch?!

[Person slams door in his face]

S2 E5 Halloween

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Hyde

Wait a minute, you're 18?

Yeah. That's why I always seemed more mature than you guys.

Hyde

You mean to tell me this whole time you could have been buying us beer?!

[Gasps] You bastard.

Well, Eric ruined your life.

Hyde

And if I had a beer, I'd be getting over it right now.

S2 E5 Halloween

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[Jackie introduces a leather-jacketed Kelso to Hyde and Fez]

Jackie

Ummm...may I have your attention please?! I would like to introduce to you all the new Michael Kelso! [applauds as Kelso runs up the driveway]

Yeah..sooo, what do you think?! Yeah, Jackie says it makes me look like Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones. [mimics Brando voice] Yeah, I'm so Brando!

Hyde

Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie!

What are you even saying?

Hyde

I think you know what I'm saying... [imitating Fonzie] 'EYYY!!

Jackie, did you dress me up like the Fonz?

Jackie

No Michael, I did not dress you up like the Fonz! Although, I mean, I like the Fonz you know he's kinda...