Steven Hyde quotes from That &#039;70s Show

We're Partridges now!

Hyde

This is gonna be great! I'm pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey!

Kitty

No! Partridges? You can't live in a bus! There's no toilet!

S3 E2 Red Sees Red

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[The guys enter a bar]

All right. They didn't even check our fake IDs.

And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.

Hyde

Yeah. Sorry, "Pez." Let's drink.

BBud

So, fellas, school let out early?

Yeah. We're just....

Kelso, shut up!

Uh, I mean, no. No, we're old. We're workers. We're all construction workers. Hey, fellas, did you see that brick today? Whoo!

BBud

Relax, guys. It's "Serve a Minor Night" at the old "Don't Have a Liquor License" Saloon [to Hyde] You look familiar. Do I know you?

Hyde

I should hope so...Dad. [Kelso, Eric, and Fez are aghast]

S3 E3 Hyde's Father

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[A man goes up to a dark room in the Formans' house, where Fez is. He tries to scare off the man using a camera's flash, but Hyde opens the light. The mysterious man is actually Bob.]

You can't kill me like you killed Midge, you big doofy!

Kill Midge? I didn't kill Midge. She's in Chicago visiting her sister.

Oh, really. Then what was in the heavy garbage sacks?

Garbage, you idiot.

Hyde

Oh, well I guess that explains the giant knife, the guts all over your apron. Oh, wait, no it doesn't!

Explain that, killer!

They were pumpkin guts. I was making Jack-o'-lanterns.

So, you're hiding Midge's body in a jack-o'-lantern. Clever plan.

[walks over to the window] Look, there's Midge now. Not dead or nothing. [Fez sees Midge getting undressed]

Oh goody! You can go now.

Midgey! No! Cover yourself!

S3 E4 Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die

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[Since Jackie crashed Kelso's van, Kelso demands an accounting of all expenses incurred during their relationship. Hyde writes down the expenses.]

Hyde

All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?

Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.

Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway [starts to take off his shirt]

Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso...Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart... and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?

Well- Uh-W- One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky. And...and....Hyde, help me out here.

Hyde

Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.

Hyde.

Hyde

Dude, you burned her house.

S3 E7 Baby Fever

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Hyde

Look, I told you again and again, I have no interest in you and you don't have a chance. And yet you keep thinking that I have an interest in you and you have a chance.

Wait! Did you just say that you're interested in me and that I have a chance?

Hyde

Okay, you know what: you forced me to do this. I'm gonna explain my feelings to you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry: Haiku.

S3 E8 Jackie Bags Hyde

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My heart aches with pain. [Jackie smiles]

When I see you, I vomit. [Jackie's smile drops, looking stunned]

Die away from me.

[enjoying herself from the couch] Ouch!

Hyde

Sayonara. [goes to basement room]

[stunned] Donna....never have 17 syllables hurt me so much. Why would he want to hurt me like that?

Because you're stalking him, Jackie.

No, really, Donna!

S3 E8 Jackie Bags Hyde

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[The guys play quarters at Bud's Christmas party]

I miss my funnel. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Eric, drink.

Hyde

Okay, if I was Tattoo, and I lived on Fantasy Island, my fantasy would be to not be a midget. Am I right? [throws quarter and hits the glass] Hmmm... Eenie, meenie, miney, Forman.

You know, Hyde, at first I thought your dad was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirtbag and Father of the Year! [throws quarter and hits the table] Damn!

Fellas, I have to be honest. I've never played quarters before, so I probably stink. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Oh, happy day! Eric.

Man, this is the worst game in the world. I'm so thirsty. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Dammit! Eric, drink!

Hyde

I mean... he lives on Fantasy Island, man! And he's a midget! It's so obvious! [throws quarter and hits the glass] Hmmm. Mmmmm, Forman!

Does anyone else feel kinda woozy? [throws quarter and hits the table] Oh, what the hell, man?!

If I make this shot, I promise I will not pick you, Eric. [throws quarter and hits the glass] ...I pick you, Eric. It's fun to lie!

S3 E9 Hyde's Christmas Rager

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[Eric is trying to connect new speakers in his car]

Hyde

Where's the tunes, Forman?

I learned how to speak English faster than this.

It's not real English if you speak it with a foreign accent.

S3 E12 Fez Gets The Girl

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[The gang is not pleased that Kelso's planning to bail on the check at the Vineyard.]

Michael, I have never dined and dashed, and I'm not about to start now.

Uh, well... Remember when we went to nice restaurants and I told you to wait in the car while I paid? Did you ever wonder why I was running to the car?

Oh, my God. I'm a thief.

Hyde

I think technically you're an accessory.

Which should make you happy, because you love accessories, earrings, bracelets, bangles, bows...

Shut up!

S3 E13 Dine and Dash

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[Eric and Donna are giving the others "special" brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash.]

Hyde

Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?

The best kind of special.

[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies]

Something's wrong. I don't feel special.

Me, neither.

Hyde

Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.

Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?

Well, I certainly do, Eric. [brings out a box from a shirt pocket] Chocolate Super-Lax.

S3 E13 Dine and Dash

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[Eric and Donna are giving the others "special" brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash]

Hyde

Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?

The best kind of special.

[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies, they start feeling uncomfortable]

Something's wrong. I don't feel special.

Me, neither.

Hyde

Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.

Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?

Well, I certainly do, Eric. [brings out a box from her shirt pocket] Chocolate Super-Lax!

[The gang, minus Eric and Donna, are shocked]

You didn't.

We did.

We so did. And maybe you'll think twice before screwing us. [tosses the box at Kelso as he catches it]

Hyde

Well, nice try, 'cause I don't feel any– [suddenly he has to go to the bathroom] OH!

[The same starts happening to Jackie, Fez and Kelso]

Ugh!

Ah!

AAAAGGHHH!!!!

[The four of them all run up the stairs and they're squirming their way up. Fez can't get up the stairs]

Oh, no! I am last!

[Fez tries to leave through the other door when his girlfriend, Caroline, runs inside]

Ai, no!

CCaroline

I know. You're surprised to see me, right? And upset.

Yes, many things are upset!

CCaroline

Okay, listen.

[Fez starts anxiously fidgeting and jumping around]

CCaroline

Will you listen, Fez? About last night, I know you were angry.

Yeah.

CCaroline

And you had every right to be! But you know what this was? Our first fight!

Yeah!

CCaroline

And it made us a real couple, if you can forgive me.

Fine! Move away from the door!

CCaroline

So, we're okay? [Fez just groans] Good! Now, let's make up like a real couple.

[She closes her eyes and goes in for the kiss. Fez slowly turns to look at Eric and Donna]

YOU BASTARDS! [shoves Caroline and runs outside]

[Later, Kelso walks back downstairs to the basement after using the bathroom]

Okay, you guys. That was a wicked burn. I mean, it had all the elements: You didn't see it coming, parts of it really hurt...

Well, Kelso, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Oh, I did. [takes another "special" brownie and eats it] I got my eye on you two. You're not gonna burn me like that again!

I love our friends.

Me too.

S3 E13 Dine and Dash

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It's Donna's fault, okay? I didn't make her wear that big, goofy underwear. I'm sorry, but if you're hanging out with this crowd, you gotta know that eventually your pants are gettin' pulled down. Am I right?

I am so glad I did not pull down Caroline's pants. I mean, if she asked me to, I would. ...Because I respect her wishes. And also, I am so horny.

Hyde

Forman, when I told you to be funny to give Donna panties... I meant it'd be funny to me. [chuckles] And it was!

S3 E15 Donna's Panties

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Okay, so I'm making out with Pam Macey in the orchestra pit, and everything's progressing like normal. Until...

What?

You know, the really, really bad thing that can happen to guys when they're with girls.

Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in to buff the floor?

...No. Okay. Let me put it this way: The buffer wouldn't buff.

Poor Mr. Cooper.

Hyde

No, Fez! I think what he's trying to say is... the rabbit wouldn't come out of the hat.

The weasel wouldn't pop.

Hyde

The alphabet soup never spelled, "Go".

OKAY! ALRIGHT, ENOUGH!

Actually, not quite. There are a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.

Hyde

Forman, man, that was awesome!

It just came to me.

Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants!

Okay! You guys, this is not funny! This is like a nightmare!

Yes, Eric, stop teasing. Kelso, I want you to know that I feel bad for you. And that I am sorry... YOU ARE NOT A MAN!

S3 E16 Romantic Weekend

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[The guys are awaiting their beating in the rival school's locker room]

Now instead of feeling scared and anxious, I feel relaxed, and... relaxed.

I know we're probably gonna get beaten, but it was worth it. Because we showed we have tremendous school spirit. [pause; starts sobbing] Go Vikings!

Hyde

School spirit is for losers, man. You're just, like, floating along on a conveyor belt of conformity. Pep rallies, extracurricular activities, washing your hair. It's all just a trap, man!

Yeah, Fez. It's one thing to root for a football team, but to confuse the Point Place Vikings with a sense of personal identity? That's just... relaxing. [starts laughing hysterically] We're all gonna die tomorrow!

S3 E18 The Trials of Michael Kelso

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[The guys talk about the X-rated film they saw earlier]

Okay, so did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely... average? Like, you know, way, way... above average?

Hyde

Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're below average. You just pray some hot, redheaded neighbor girl likes you for your personality.

What are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.

See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything!

Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are all small in the pants!

Hyde

Kelso... this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie. And I'll help you. So all's I really want is for you to be happy.

You guys, honestly. You don't think Donna's, you know... bored, right? 'Cause those guys in the movie, they didn't do the same move twice. And I've done the same move, like... always.