Ah, beautiful springtime, a time for fun and frolic for most, [the scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, zooming in and then right at the front door. Squidward is there] but not for this poor slob.
Oh, what a beautiful day, and here I am trapped in a prison of high cholesterol. [the bell dings] No one ever comes in on Sunday. [the bell dings again] Why can't Mr. Krabs just let us go home? [the bell dings again. Squidward gets angry and growling into SpongeBob. The scene changes to SpongeBob ringing a bell, set on the order window. Squidward runs up to SpongeBob] SpongeBob, stop ringing this bell. [picks it up and slams it on the bottom of the order window]
[leans through the order window getting in SpongeBob's face] I will ring the bell when there's an order. But...There's no customers! There hasn't been one all day, and there isn't gonna be any! [struggles to pick up the cash register, but successfully does so and he slams it down making a bell noise]
One Krabby Patty coming up!
[The register drawer shoots open, knocking Squidward out of the way. A bunch of coins fall onto the floor. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs' office where Mr. Krabs is writing something on a sheet of paper and he stops to hear the money dropping.]
KMr. Krabs
That sounds like me money dropping. [the scene changes to show the outside of the office and Squidward is picking up the coins; opens his office door] What's going on out here?! My babies! [runs up to Squidward and shoves him away] Get away, you barbarian! What have you done? Nice clean money... soiled! [scoops up the coins in his claws] I'll take care of ya. Let papa clean ya up. Clear the way! [runs into the kitchen and starts washing them off in the sink] No, no, no, don't cry, little ones.
KMr. Krabs
[gets startled and throws the dimes in the air. One dime rolls into the sink and starts to roll towards the sink drain] Me dime! [the dime rolls around the sink drain. Just as it seems like it's about to fall down the drain, it flips over facing away from the drain; gives a sigh of relief. Then the dime jumps, winks, and goes down the drain] No! [grabs the dime in the drain] I got it, boy! [his claw got stuck] What the? It's stuck! You gotta help me, SpongeBob!
You've gotta let go of the dime.
KMr. Krabs
I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy. There's got to be another way! Grab me captain's quarters and heave! [SpongeBob pulls on him from behind a couple times until he gets thrown back without his arms] Me arms!
[Mr. Krabs hits the wall, the impact causing the shelf above him to slant and drop a pot, a glass, a pan, a mug, a treasure chest, an anchor, a buoy, and a scuba suit on his head. A giant bump rises up on Mr. Krabs' head and then a dime falls on it, causing Mr. Krabs to fall over and black out]
I can't believe this is really happening. [sits on the cash register box, then starts to tear up] Today, I start living!
FFrancis
He kept us waiting for a bubble?
That's nothing! He called us fat! [begins crunching on celery stalks along with others]
[crying as she shows her clean flipper] He washed my flipper!
KMr. Krabs
[storming up] He owes me money!
[following Mr. Krabs] He made me provide excellent service!
[appears with a halo and angel clothing on] Dudes! He made me experience high tide! [floats up towards the surface while laughing]
He poisoned our water supply, burned our crops and delivered a plague unto our houses!
No...But are we just gonna wait around until he does?
KMr. Krabs
I say we tip somethin' over!
[All yelling, everyone tips the lifeguard stand]
[The stand crashes to the ground]
PProtesters
Get the lifeguard! [they go to the lifeguard]
[stops them] Wait! Don't waste this senseless violence on him! It's that stupid bubble of SpongeBob's that's causing all the problems! [holds up a needle] Who's with me?!
PProtesters
Pop the bubble! [hold up needles]
You can't do this to me, Krabs. [Mr. Krabs blows Plankton back to the Chum Bucket] I went to college! [crashes into his restaurant] Ouch.
RKRobot Krabs
Okay, now let's hear that formula.
Sorry, no can do, Mr. Krabs.
RKRobot Krabs
[his eyes are now on fire] Whaaaaaaaat???
[cut to inside of robot] But we did everything you said - I followed all the rules! I even ate 105 black licorice jellybeans through a straw! [holds up a straw]
RKRobot Krabs
Now why can't you tell me the formula?
It's your rule: never speak the formula. You told me to keep it in [holds up a bottle with the secret formula in it] ...this bottle. [Robot Krabs' eyes open widely with a "ding!" sound effect]
[inside the robot] This is it, Plankton. [pushes a lever] Gently now... [continues to push the lever, getting overly excited as he gets closer. The penny that Mr. Krabs was chasing earlier rolls under the door, then Mr. Krabs rushes in, and he gasps, including SpongeBob and the guy on the penny]
KMr. Krabs
How could you do this, SpongeBob? Givin' me secret formuler to this...imposter?!
RKRobot Krabs
Don't listen to him, SpongeBob. Remember: ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuloli.
KMr. Krabs
SpongeBob, no! Don't listen to him! I'm the real Mr. Krabs!
RKRobot Krabs
Don't listen to him. He's obviously a robot. [exhaust pipe smokes]
KMr. Krabs
Well, if I was a robot, which I'm not, at least I'm well-put together, not some rusted-out, steam-driven pile of junk!
RKRobot Krabs
Who are you callin' steam-driven...?
[yelling in frustration] Quiet! Until I know who the real Mr. Krabs is, nobody moves, [holds a hose attached to a tartar sauce machine] nobody gets hurt.
KRMr. Krabs and Robot Krabs
Tartar sauce?!
KMr. Krabs
Take it easy with that thing, son. Ahh!
[squirts some tartar sauce, causing Mr. Krabs to jump into robot Krabs' arms] I'll do the talkin' around here. I think I'll ask you two a couple of questions; questions only the real Mr. Krabs could answer.
KMr. Krabs
[smiles while Robot Krabs looks worried] Okay, then.
First question: what time does the Krusty Krab open?
RKRobot Krabs
[beats Mr. Krabs to it] 9:30 A.M.
Right. [to Mr. Krabs] That's one strike, Mr. Fake.
Nuh-uh-uh! I'm runnin' this quiz show, I'll ask the questions. If there's gonna be any 'buts', they're gonna be from me. [while rubbing the hose nozzle] Okay, now, question two: how much does a Krabby Patty cost?
Right again! [to Mr. Krabs] You're starting to look pretty phony right about now. I'd be nervous if I were you. Now, only the really real Mr. Krabs could answer this - if we're discussing the secret formula on the third Wednesday in January and it's not raining outside after we've gargled with vanilla pudding, what do we do?
KMr. Krabs
That's an easy one. You just...just.. let's see...if it's...uh...if it's January...with...with vanilla pudding...you...uh...pass? [gets shot with tartar sauce]
KMr. Krabs
What's the meaning of this, SpongeBob?
We're in serious danger! There's a-a-a...a monster out there.
KMr. Krabs
Is it a paying customer?
Oh no, Mr. Krabs. It doesn't want to eat Krabby Patties. It wants to eat you!
[crying] Just like it ate Wormy!
Um, Wormy? [SpongeBob and Patrick cry]
Why?! Why?! He was so young!
We’ll never forget you, Wormy!
Well, if Moron Theater's over, I think I'll just take a look at this "monster."
KMr. Krabs
I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready... for me money. [the crowd gathers around him] Welcome to Pretty Patties. May I take your money?
We want a refund, Krabs! [crowd form a mob while yelling and protesting in agreement]
KMr. Krabs
Who, huh, what?
Your dumb Pretty Patties turned my face purple! [shows his purple face]
SMScottish Man
Look what I got under me kilt! [raises his kilt to reveal a plaid body, and white underwear]
GFGrease Fish, Female Fish & Frank
And look at our tongues!
[They show Mr. Krabs their respective tongues. They each show a yellow tongue, an orange tongue with green spots, and a tongue that just looks normal]
KMr. Krabs
What's wrong with you?
[turns off a light to reveal his tongue is glow-in-the-dark green] We want our money back. All 46,853 of us. [turns the light back on, but Mr. Krabs is gone]
[Mr. Krabs screams and runs, and the crowd chasing him makes a rainbow road]
KMr. Krabs
Neptune preserve her!
How long can she stay like that?
Wow, Sandy. You sure provided us wrong. I guess land creatures are better. [bubbles rise from Sandy's lips] At least until they need to breathe... [he, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs chuckle while Sandy angrily squints one eye at them] Yep, won't be long now.
[starts struggling to hold her breath] Mm?
Remember this? [takes a deep breath in and out. Sandy is seen sweating profusely]
KMr. Krabs
It's free! [also takes a deep breath in and out]
Oh, you mean for your chicken costumes?
[holding and eating popcorn] Hey, we are not chicken! [drops his popcorn] Huh! My popcorn! [begins pecking at it like a chicken]
Yeah, we're not chicken, we'll do it. [looks at the water's surface and pokes his finger above the water] There! Mission accomplished!
Look, unless you can stay above water for one measly minute, you forfeit the contest and prove that land creatures are better than sea creatures!
No way, San-day. We can take on your challenge.
KMr. Krabs
Wait, boy! [gives him a glass of water] Make it last.
[drinks from it] Thanks, Mr. Krabs. Okay. Here I go! [the scene changes to live action as he gasps out of the water. He is now a real yellow kitchen sponge on a stick] Hey, this isn't so bad! We can do this! Hey, Patrick, come on up! The air is fine!
I'm gonna do it quick and get it over with. Cannonball! [jumps out of the water. He is now a real pink starfish, missing his trunks, on a stick] Hey, I lost my trunks! Hi, SpongeBob!
All right, Pat! You made it! Come on up, Mr. Krabs! Up here!
KMr. Krabs
All ashore that's going ashore, Mr. Squidward! Land ho! [runs up. He is a red rubber toy crab on a stick]
Come on, Squidward! You're missing all the dry. Come on, Squidward!
AAll
[chanting] Squidward! Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!
Well, l'll do it, but I won’t like it. [walks up. He is a puppet octopus with his eyes and big nose. All stop chanting] What?
Well, here we are! [all four are walking on the island]
I may keep a second rock up here!
KMr. Krabs
Once you get your land legs, it's not so bad!
We're the masters of land and sea! [a string puppet seagull lands in front of him] Hey, it's a local. Hi! We're from underwater! Do you know Sandy Cheeks? [the seagull looks at screen]
Three, two, one. Well, tan my fur! They made it! Better go congratulate them! [walks onto the island. She is now a real plush squirrel toy with a small, round plastic helmet on her head] SpongeBob? Patrick? Hmm, where do those critters get to? [sees the seagulls attacking all four of them; one of them is trying to eat Patrick, while the other is chasing SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward] [gasps] Holy guacamole! You can't eat my friends, you rats with wings! Hiyah! [attacks the birds offscreen and feathers start flying. All five sink back down to the seabed, with Squidward upside-down]
Uh, thanks for saving us, Sandy.
You know, everyone's best at things.
But no one's best at everything. Sorry I made you take off your helmet, Sandy.
Sorry I made you go up on dry land, SpongeBob.
KMr. Krabs
Three cheers for feeling sorry for us! Hip hip...
SSeagulls
[lying injured on the island with their feathers missing] Hooray!
ZWZoo Worker 1
Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster. [rips off Mr. Krabs' clothes by accident] Behold! [the crowd gets disgusted] Wait a minute... [reveals Clamu's pearl] Behold! The oyster's pearl! [the crowd gasps in shock; the zoo worker then gives the pearl to Clamu] Here you go, girl.
[Clamu sniffs her pearl and the crowd cheers. But suddenly, the pearl starts to crack. And to everyone's amazement, it hatches into a baby oyster]
BOBaby Oyster
Mama. Mama.
Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother! And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg!
[The baby oyster and Clamu embrace each other]
AAll
Awww... [they glare at Mr. Krabs]
KMr. Krabs
But it's Free Day!
[The crowd boos as they throw peanuts at Mr. Krabs, burying him, thus ending the episode]
[Cut to the morning where Mr. Krabs walks to work crying, and SpongeBob walks in laughing.]
Takin' him to the cleaners! That's a hot one! [Mr. Krabs leans against the Krusty Krab doors] How'd the card game go last night, Mr. Krabs?
Barnacles, Mr. Krabs! How much money did ya lose?
KMr. Krabs
I didn't lose any money. [sheds away a tear] I lost...
Don't tell me you lost the Krusty Krab!
KMr. Krabs
I lost... [SpongeBob grabs him]
Mr. Krabs, please tell me you didn't lose the... Krabby Patty secret formula!
KMr. Krabs
I... lost... [points to SpongeBob] YOU!
KMr. Krabs
I bet your contract, and I lost.
[stares blankly, then laughs] Good one, Mr. Krabs. Well, I gotta go make those Krabby Patties. [begins to walk to the door, but Mr. Krabs' claw stops him. After continually walking and getting nowhere, he falls to the floor]
KMr. Krabs
I'm afraid... you don't work here anymore.
[runs out the door to the two] Please tell me this isn't a joke.
Go on, Mr. Krabs. Tell him. Tell him all about your cruel, sick joke.
[walks over] As much as I love cruel, sick jokes, I'm afraid he's not joking. [points at SpongeBob] You work for me now, SpongeBob. [whips out a bucket with the initials "CB" on it] Time to put on the official Chum Bucket bucket helmet. [jumps onto SpongeBob's head, kicks off the Krusty Krew hat and puts the bucket on his head. SpongeBob screams and runs to Mr. Krabs while knocking Plankton and the bucket off his head]
But Mr. Krabs, I don't wanna work for him! [tugs at Krabs' shirt collar] I wanna work for you, here at the Krusty Krab! [he and Krabs start crying loudly and hug]
KMr. Krabs
I'm sorry, boy! It's all my fault!
[pretending to sound genuinely sad] What kind of cold, heartless person would break apart such a loving relationship? [whips out a crowbar] I would! [jumps up and uses the crowbar to pry SpongeBob off Krabs. SpongeBob goes flying with Mr. Krabs' arms still clung to him]
Mr. Krabs! [slams into a cage and Krabs' arms fly off him. Plankton walks over and shuts the door]
This is your greatest blunder, Krabs. For fifteen years, I've been throwin' those card games just waitin' for you to slip up. I may not have the precious Krabby Patty formula, but I've got the next best thing: the guy who makes 'em! [a propeller emerges from the cage] I'm gonna run you out of business, Krabs. [the propeller spins and pilots SpongeBob into the Chum Bucket]
KMr. Krabs
SpongeBob! [cries and then stops] Can I have my arms back? [Plankton walks over and throws the arms on Krabs' head.]
[The episode begins at night at the Krusty Krab. It's closing time.]
Ah, the Krusty Krab. Bikini Bottom's premiere daytime eatery. Where it will be closing time right about...
[switches the "Open" sign to "Closed"] Now! 8 o'clock! [takes off his Krusty Krab uniform hat] So long, suckers! I've got a hot date with a little lady, and her name is [pulls out his clarinet] Clarinet. [Tom shows up at the door and knocks on it, causing Squidward to drop his clarinet] What?
[points to the sign] Read the sign.
[ignores him] I'll have a Krabby Patty Deluxe and a double chili kelp fries.
No, you won't. I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life!
Well, fine, if you don't want my money!
KMr. Krabs
Money?! [Mr. Krabs falls from the ceiling on top of Squidward] You mean, if we stayed open later, you'd give us your money?
[pulls out cash; Incidental 49, Incidental 30, and Incidental 85 appear behind him] Sure.
KMr. Krabs
Mr. Squidward, [tears up the "Closed" sign] welcome to the night shift. From now on, [he puts a spare Krusty Krab uniform hat on Squidward's head] the Krusty Krab is open 24 hours a day.
[gets up] What?! [crowd of fish barge in cheering and tramples Squidward]
[gasps] Wow! Now we never have to stop working!
[gets up again] Mr. Krabs.
KMr. Krabs
See ya in the mornin', boys! I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life. [leaves]
Isn't this great Squidward? Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours, and then the sun'll come up, and it'll be tomorrow, and we'll still be working. It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and we'll be covered with grease! [jumps on cash register counter] Are you ready to rock, Squidward?!
Good! 'Cause we've got customers!
[hands a customer a baseball bat] Here. Please hit me as hard as you can.
Psst, Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen... [laughs] at night.
[takes hat off; leans head on counter] Don't hold back.
[cuts to SpongeBob in kitchen] Hey Squidward. Guess what, I'm chopping lettuce... at night. [cuts to SpongeBob in the bathroom wiping it clean with himself] Look at me, I'm swabbing the bathroom... at night. [cuts to SpongeBob at the grill picking up spatula, misses the spatula and hits the grill] Ow! I burned my hand! At night. [cuts to SpongeBob walking on the counter] Night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, na-na-na-night-na-night! NIGHT!
WILL YOU PLEASE?! [hands SpongeBob a bag of garbage] Here, give me a moment's peace and take out the trash.
Hey, that's my driving teacher, Mrs. Puff!
KMr. Krabs
Mrs. Puff? [disappointed] Aww, she's married...
Oh, no, Mr. Krabs. She's single.
KMr. Krabs
Then, what happened to Mr. Puff?
[cut to a live-action shot of a pufferfish, being used as a lamp]
She doesn't like to talk about it.
KMr. Krabs
SpongeBob! I'm glad I caught ya. I want ya to buy Mrs. Puff--
[holds up his arms] Wait! Don't tell me! You want me to run down to the store, and buy Mrs. Puff something she doesn't need! Then you want me to RUN back here, [flails his legs back and forth] so you can say, [pulls his eyes through the top of his head so they look like Krabs' eyes and mimics Krabs' voice] "Arrgh, SpongeBob, you're spending' all me money!" And then I'll say, "But Mr. Krabs! I'm only doing WHAT YOU SAID!" Then you'll say, "We're not talkin' about this [draws a triangle with dashed lines in the air with his finger], or THIS [draws a square with dashed lines], we're talkin' about THIIIIIIIS!" [draws a ton of directionless squiggly lines; pants]
KMr. Krabs
But, lad, this time's different! Mrs. Puff needs this!
[surrounded by all the nice gifts Krabs had SpongeBob buy her] Are we... going to the park soon?
KMr. Krabs
Please, lad, I'm beggin' ya! I'm a lonely old crustacean who's found love! Don't let me lose her! [Starts to cry]
Mr. Krabs, don't. Don't cry, Mr. Krabs! Come on. Okay, I, I'm gonna get it, see? [Walks off-screen, and comes back with a washing machine] Cheer up, Mr. Krabs, Here's that washing machine you wanted.
KMr. Krabs
Cheer up? How can I cheer up... when you're spendin' all me hard-earned cash?!
See? You just did it again!
KMr. Krabs
Lad, I can't help it if you're loose with other people's money! [SpongeBob gets a blank expression on his face] Do you think Mrs. Puff will need a dryer to go along with that?
[stoically] Well, Mr. Krabs, do you wanna know what I think? [cut to Mrs. Puff] ARRGH...!! REGGA FLEBBA BREEKA BRECKA SMULLEN-ELLEN MR. KRABS!!! YEGGA HEGGA MERGIN WALLET!!! DIMMY MIDDY SPEND!!! RIVY FLIVY DIVA SHIVA MR. KRABS’ WALLET!!!!!
[Mrs. Puff reads what he said in a dictionary; SpongeBob marches past her grumbling in anger as Mr. Krabs is left smack-jawed.]
I didn't know SpongeBob had such a colorful vocabulary. Actually, there's something I'd like to say, too Mr. Krabs. [she kicks off her shoes] I'm afraid I just don't feel comfortable accepting all these gifts. [she removes her hat and coat] I'd rather go Dutch...if you don't mind. [She pulls out her wallet and gives Mr. Krabs some money]
You're a very sweet man, Mr. Krabs.
[She kisses his left eye and both eyes form the shape of a heart as the episode ends].
KMr. Krabs
Huh? The Krusty Krab, she's empty! All hands on deck! Batten the front doors! Brace the cash register! Break out the happy snacks! Squidward, where have all me beautiful paying customers gone?
Apparently, the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word, and SpongeBob just said it over the intercom.
KMr. Krabs
Well, what was it? What did he say?
Uh, he said, uh, well, he said... [whispers the word]
KMr. Krabs
Huh? [Squidward whispers the word again; gasps and enraged] SPONGEBOB AND FRIEND! FRONT AND CENTER! Why, I oughta make the two of you paint the Krusty Krab for using such language?!
But, Mr. Krabs, we were only using our sentence enhancers.
KMr. Krabs
There ain't nothin' fancy 'bout that word!
You mean [dolphin chirp]?
KMr. Krabs
Yes, that one! Now quit saying that! It's a BAD word!
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
BAD WORD?! [both regretfully wipe their tongues]
KMr. Krabs
Yes, siree, that's bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 bad words you should never use.
Don't you mean there are only 7?
KMr. Krabs
Not if you're a sailor. [laughs]
That's a lot of [dolphin chirp] bad words.
KMr. Krabs
Okay, boys, I want you to promise me you'll never use that word again.
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
We promise.
KMr. Krabs
[returns with a ladder and several paint cans] All right, you two foul mouths. As punishment for foulin' the air in me restaurant with your foul words, you're gonna give the Krusty Krab a fresh coat of paint from top to bottom. [jams his foot into a rock then hops on one leg, he screams as dropping everything] OH, MY [dolphin chirp] FOOT! WHAT [dolphin chirps] GENIUS PUT A [dolphin chirp] ROCK IN A [dolphin chirp] PATH?! CAN'T YOU SEE I GOT A [boat horn] FOOT HERE?! OH, [seal bark]!
[Mr. Krabs continues saying a bunch of swear words while SpongeBob and Patrick count the swear words he used]
KMr. Krabs
AND A WHOLE LOT OF [boat horn], WITH A SIDE OF [dolphin chirp], AND A HEAPING HELPING OF [boat horn], AND A BOATLOAD OF [boat horn]!
KMr. Krabs
AW, [seal bark and seagull squawk] GRABBIN'... [SpongeBob's alarm clock blares and he then cries in pain]
[cuts to his 13 fingers] That's all 13, Patrick! [gasps] We're gonna tell your MOM, Mr. Krabs!
KMr. Krabs
No! Please! Not my mommy!
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
