[running to Squidward] Squidward! Where the barnacles is SpongeBob? This place is going down the toilet! Patties need flipping!
SquidwardIf I knew, do you think I'd be standing here getting yelled at by a bunch of morons?
Don't talk back to your superior officer, you...
[Both start arguing. Sandy comes in.]
Squidward! Mr. Krabs! Y'all seen SpongeBob?
Squidward
I think we just went through this...
What he means to say is, no, we haven't.
Well, apparently, he's left Bikini Bottom, and he ain't coming back. [hands Mr. Krabs the note]
Let me see that. [begins to read] To whom that may concern, [muttering] ...aka... aka? Idiot Boy? [shocked] Idiot Boy?! [horrified, he realizes that the letter was written by SpongeBob because everyone called him Idiot Boy] It is SpongeBob! What am I gonna do without me fry cook?!
What am I gonna do without my best friend?! I should never have been mean to you! [starts to cry]
I should have never kicked you out of my house! [starts to cry as her helmet fills up with her tears]
Squidward
[voice breaking] If I'd known that was the last time I'd see SpongeBob, I would have [happily] slammed the door in his face even harder! [he happily starts guffawing, while Patrick and Sandy are still crying]
All right, group meeting! Everybody out! The Krusty Krab's closed until further notice! [closes the doors] Now, how do you propose we find me money-making employee? [he and the others gather around]
Listen up, y'all! I got a plan to bring back SpongeBob.
Yup, and it involves this. [shows a device] It'll track any sponge within a 50-mile radius.
Squidward
So, you're saying this thing can actually find SpongeBob? [holds the device]
You got it, Squid Cakes, but it's gonna take all of us to find-- [Squidward smashes the device with a mallet]
SKSandy, Mr. Krabs and Patrick
[gasp]
Squidward
[holding the mallet while panting heavily like a maniac] Oops, I dropped it.
[becomes infuriated that his nose inflates and bursts like a balloon, with a large amount of water coming out of it] Mr. Squidward! This device was me last chance to get this place back into ship shape! And since you destroyed it, I am ordering you to find SpongeBob!
Squidward
[laughs] I wouldn't seek out that twit for all the leotards of the sea.
If you don't find him, you'll be out of a job forever.
Squidward
Ha! Is that your version of a threat?
Oh, Squidward, don't forget your retirement gift.
Squidward
Mr. Krabs, I am not interested in any---- [gasps] Is that a handcrafted, jewel-encrusted, ornamental egg? That'll complete my collection! [he runs to the egg] Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. Krabs!
[stops Squidward, who falls to the floor] Not so fast! Bring back me number-one fry cook first.
Here it is! You must recognize this place.
Don't recognize the Krusty Krab? Stop your kidding, boy. [takes out the greasy spatula that SpongeBob used to use] And start frying up them patties.
MCMayor CheeseHead
[holds the spatula] I was a fry cook before?
Aye, the best in the business. Now get flipping.
MCMayor CheeseHead
Look, guys, as much as I'd love to toil the days away flipping burgers, [leaves] I think I'll just go back to my modest job [drops the spatula] as mayor of a major city.
Squidward
Whoo-hoo-hoo, SpongeBob's leaving for real this time! [to Mr. Krabs] Mr. Krabs, I brought back your number one fry cook. You gotta pay up.
All right, Mr. Squidward, a deal's a deal. Here's your fancy egg.
Squidward
Oh, it's beautiful! [Squidward laughs with excitement and is admiring his egg until he slips on the spatula, which sends the egg flying] No...! [when SpongeBob the mayor leaves the Krusty Krab, the egg crashes onto his head. Squidward is upset that his egg is destroyed and a bump rises on the SpongeBob's head]
Yeah, just a bit of a headache, Sandy-- [He looks around the Krusty Krab and realized that his memory is coming back] Hey, I remember this place!
We're really sorry we ran you out of town, boy. But we're glad you're back.
I'd really love to stay, but the people of New Kelp City need their mayor. [put on the mayor hat again] Goodbye, everyone.
KSMr. Krabs, Sandy, and Patrick
Oh, not again. / What? / Huh?
Squidward
He's leaving, again!
[before SpongeBob leaves the Krusty Krab] Stop what you're doing and don't go out that door. [SpongeBob stops and looks at the TV in the Krusty Krab] This is a KNKC special report. Panic in the streets of New Kelp City as rampant bubbles bring visibility down to 0. The angry citizens here blame the apocalyptic scene on Mayor CheeseHead BrownPants and his newly-enacted bubble policy. [gets punched aside by Pirate 12 again]
P1Pirate 12
If I ever see Mayor BrownPants again, I'm gonna grab his little, yellow head and literally rip his—! [screen changes to "We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties. Share the frustration."]
[SpongeBob is in the Krusty Krab kitchen.]
[rings a bell] Order up! [hands a Krabby Patty on plate] Who wants to be a dumb old mayor when you're the best fry cook in town? [laughs] And how could I ever leave behind my bestest friends?
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, Krabby Patty! [eats the Krabby Patty] SpongeBob, another masterpiece.
It's great to have you back, Spongy!
[sighs] Looks like I'm back in Bikini Bottom forever!
[In the background cows are mooing. Squidward opens his head, removes his brain, and throws it in the trash can]
Squidward
[looking at his score with a triumphant but sleepless face] I did it. [kisses the score and laughs] Yes! [runs out of his house in an ecstatic delirium] I did it! I did it! I did it! And I did it! Ha ha ha ha!
[watching Squidward run out the door as SpongeBob sews his butt and laughs] Did what?
[Squidward runs over to the stadium]
Squidward
Here you go, maestro, my masterpiece.
CConductor
[looks at the score; in a German composer accent] Hmm, oh, very unusual. I think we have a winner, Mr. Tentacles! [Squidward smiles, cuts to later where Squidward is about to conduct his song]
JJohnny
Good evening, music lovers of Bikini Bottom. Tonight, is the premiere of a new symphony, written by one of our own, Squidward Tentacles.
[Squidward walks up on stage and starts conducting his composition, everything is fine until he hears Patrick using a tongue depressor on himself. Squidward looks at his music and, much to his shock and dismay, finds out that there are drawings of SpongeBob and Patrick on it.]
Squidward
[gasps] Huh?!
[It turns out that Squidward inadvertently wrote down everything he heard from SpongeBob's doctoring. The music is then followed by Patrick hitting his own knee with a hammer and screaming while SpongeBob times his reflex]
Squidward
I wrote down everything I heard?! [gulps and looks at the audience, SpongeBob drops a brick on Patrick's leg, then an anchor]
PPilar
Oooo! That's gonna leave a mark! [Squidward sweats in embarrassment]
[SpongeBob puts on a rubber glove then squeaks a rubber duck near Patrick as he screams, then uses the x-ray, then the laugh machine, then reading magazines, then SpongeBob plays with his brain, then he's reading magazines again, then using the x-ray again, then the laugh machine, then the duck, then the magazine, then playing with the brain. This process repeats twice, second time shorter time. Throughout the performance, Squidward continued to conduct the orchestra while barely paying attention to his conducting, due to SpongeBob and Patrick distracting him with their odd procedures to each other. SpongeBob then uses the blood pressure pump to inflate Patrick, he loses control of the air in his body and starts flying around like a balloon, smacking into Squidward as the song ends]
NNazz
That poor guy. [as Patrick sits up straight on Squidward after deflating, the song comes to an end]
Squidward
Patrick, get off of me! [Patrick does so, Squidward growls at him, then looks at the audience, Squidward begins to sadly walk off the stage, but then everyone begins cheering]
AMAudience Member
Oh, now that's what I call music!
SShubie
That little yellow guy is awesome!
BBill
Let us not forget the tubby starfish!
Oh, yeah, but the real genius is the composer! [all chanting] Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!
Wow, Squidward, they really liked you! Just don't get a "swelled head." [Squidward's head begins to inflate, because Patrick is using the blood pressure pump, causing Squidward to look at him suspiciously and then we can hear an explosion as the screen cuts to black, ending the episode]
[Patrick's rock begins to open]
Squidward
It's me, Squidward. I'm looking for SpongeBob. [Squidward is in a normal state] Hi, how are ya?
[SpongeBob is so scared and shocked at how Squidward looks that he screams himself back into his regular self]
SpongeBob, you're back to your square shape!
Wow, I guess Squidward's normal looks scared me back to my original form! [hugging Squidward] Thanks, buddy, you saved my life!
NSNormal Squidward
Wonderful weather we're having, hm?
It sure is, buddy. It sure is. [he and Patrick laugh whilst the episode ends]
Squidward
[same tone] The spatula TIED TO YOUR NOSE!
Oh, this! [explains quickly] Well, you see, this got stuck up there so I stacked stuff and I climbed up to reach it. I reached it and grabbed it. I got it but then I fell and I screamed! I was sure I was dead but then I wasn't but then I tripped and I got this splinter and... Squidward? Squidward, were you listening at all? I got this really bad splinter, you see? And I couldn't hold the spatula with my hand so I used my nose. Makes sense now, huh?
Squidward
[sarcastic] Oh, yeah, that makes perfect sense. You're a half-wit who injured himself at work being a nitwit.
[laughs] Good one, Squiddy.
Squidward
[grumbles] Injury. Your brain is injured! [gets an idea] Wait a minute. Did you say that you got that splinter injury at work?
Ah. [Mr. Krabs and Squidward are there. He gasps]
You mean this? [pulls his splinter out from behind his back, but it is covered by his hat]
Put your hat on, boy! Show some company pride!
[puts his hat on] Heh, company pride, of course.
Have you always had three legs?
[has a sock and shoe covering his splintered thumb] Yes.
[believing him] Interesting... Well, what's this about a splinter that Squidward's been telling me all about? [SpongeBob screams] All right, boy, let's see it. [SpongeBob whimpers] Come on, SpongeBob, it's just a little splinter. I mean, how bad could it...? [SpongeBob reveals his massive, swollen thumb which has a slight area of pale green fizz around the impaled center. His thumb is now red. Mr. Krabs gags] Oh, merciful Neptune! [Squidward moans and faints] Okay, no problem. No problem. [easily picks out the splinter. There is a brief pause and the tip of SpongeBob's thumb pops and shoots out confetti] Problem sol... [green pus shoots out of SpongeBob's thumb onto Mr. Krabs' face. He takes out an umbrella as it dies down. There is a close-up of SpongeBob's free hand, bending his splinter-free thumb] Whew. For a second there, I thought I was gonna have to pay you workman's "compersation."
What's worker's compensation?
You know, when you get paid for sitting at home.
Squidward
[his eyes shoot open. He gets up] You mean I can get paid while I'm at home?
Yeah, what do ya' think "compersation" stands for?
Squidward
[gets the cash register out of the boat counter and slowly smashes it onto his head two times] Ow!
[Squidward smashes the cash register on his head another two times then throws the cash register up into the air and gets crushed by it.]
Squidward
Can I get my "compersation" now?
No. Sorry, Squidward, your shift ended over two minutes ago.
[about Squidward's kelp flowers, with a soft tone] They're pretty!
Squidward
[shrieks] Patrick!
Squidward
What are you two doing here?
Patrick is helping me to do good deeds today, like trimming your kelp garden! [points to Patrick, who takes a large bite out of the kelp, then burps]
Squidward
[yelling] STOP EATING MY KELP! [shoves Patrick and SpongeBob]
Okay, okay, geez! I try to help a fellow out. I'll just have to eat this ice cream cone instead!
Squidward
Oh! Do you like to eat ice cream, Patrick?
Squidward
Then have some more! [sprays the ice cream]
[falls over when the ice cream gets bigger] Whoa! Oof!
Squidward
Ha, ha, ha! Still want that ice cream?
Boy I do! Thanks, Squidward! Want some, SpongeBob? Last one to the cone is a rotten clam!
LBLittle boy
Wait! Maybe he's a nice monster, like in my story book.
Oh, right, I haven't thought of that. Well, are you?
Oh, goodness gracious, yes. Squidward is the nicest giant of them all.
Yeah! Squidward, tell them about all those times that you didn't punch me in the face.
Even though you really wanted to.
Squidward
[yelling] OH, QUIET, YOU MORON!
[All gasp]
FFFemale fish 1
He hurt the little one's feelings!
FFFemake fish 2
Why, that's not very nice at all!
[yelling] Take him down, boys! [following the lifeguard fish, the mob uses a giant rake slingshot to hit his foot]
Squidward
OW!!! [holds his foot and hops backwards. Harold, Scooter, Nazz, and Fred set up a giant rake behind him. Squidward steps on it and falls down after it hits him on the back of the head. The lifeguard comes up with a big tube of lipstick]
This oughta fix him! [puts lipstick on Squidward's lips. The mob stops yelling]
Squidward
Okay, okay, I'm nice! Now will you leave me alone? [is shown to be tied to the ground with ropes]
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
