Squidward quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

It means he's a big fat crybaby.

S5 Krabs à la Mode

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Ahoy, Squidward! GOOD NEPTUNE! SpongeBob, what has gotten into to you, son?!?

Squidward

I think he's in some kind of self-induced trance.

No, Squidward. This is worse. He's got the Thousand-Yard Stare. I had it once meself back in me service days. [shakes SpongeBob] What is it, lad?!? Quick, we're losing money!!!

[SpongeBob's hat falls off, exposing a calander in it; Mr. Krabs reads it]

It's the boy's tiny calendar. And he has circled today's date. [reads the circled date] "Important Food Critic Visits Krusty Krab"!?!?

Squidward

That's what's causing all this? Only a complete idiot would worry about what some critic has to say.

[Mr. Krabs adapts the same Thousand-Yard Stare as SpongeBob and they both shudder in horror]

Squidward

I rest my case.

S5 The Krusty Sponge

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Squidward

Mr. Krabs, don't you think you might be taking all this a little bit too far?

Get back to work, SpongeBob! I'll be in me SpongeBob if you SpongeBob me!

S5 The Krusty Sponge

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[The camera zooms in on SpongeBob sitting crying in the area between his pineapple and Squidward's house. He lies down face-down and his tears send him up and down off the ground. He goes back to normal crying while sitting, he then bends his top half in towards his bottom half. Patrick walks up, picks SpongeBob up, and gives him a hug]

There, there, SpongeBob. No need to cry.

[He pops off Patrick's shoulder] Yes, there is, Patrick. Sandy's been gone for 2 whole days.

2 whole days?! [tears pour out of his eyes like a hose as he begins to wail]

Oh, why'd she have to go to that science convention in Texas?!

Texas! [crying]

[sniffles, looks at his watch] She won't be back for 1 more hour, 26 minutes and 47 seconds!

Oh, 47 seconds! [SpongeBob and Patrick cry tears in each others faces] I miss Sandy so much! Her tentacles, the way she plays clarinet, her massive nose- [a nose like Squidward's pops onto his face]

Uh, Patrick, that's Squidward. He's not gone, he's right here! [camera pans to Squidward planting a flower in the ground]

Squidward

No, I'm not. [walks away]

S5 A Flea In Her Dome

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[sighs contendedly] It's the little details that they really appreciate, isn't it, Squidward?

Squidward

Oh, yeah. You really touched his life. [a customer is eating his Krabby Patties like a pig]

Nothing beats making quality food for good people with discriminating tastes.

Squidward

Quality food?!

Yeah!

Squidward

Good people?!

[nods] Uh-huh.

Squidward

Discriminating tastes?!

Testify!

Squidward

D'oh! [he breathes and angrily runs up to the customer and takes the Krabby Patty from him] Only pathetic losers with horrible taste would eat this garbage!

[gasps in shock, then the customer starts to cry. SpongeBob runs up to him and starts cradling him] Squidward! The Krusty clientèle needs to be cuddled and treated with respect. [takes Krabby Patty from Squidward and puts it in customers mouth like a baby bottle] There, there. [to Squidward] Mr. Krabs will be ashamed!

S5 Le Big Switch

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[starts chopping vegetables] I'm sure with all my years in the kitchen, I can make something other than... [chops vegetables into a Krabby Patty then laughs nervously] Just warming up. [Mr. Crustacean gets angry, he then screams than gets a tray of stuff and puts in in the oven] Come on, SpongeBob! [whistles and then takes out a Krabby Patty and throws it on the ground, Mr. Crustacean gets angry again, he then cracks an egg into a pan] Just one egg then... [egg turns into a Krabby Patty and SpongeBob gets mad and throws it on the ground along with many other Krabby Patties] No, that's not it either...

CMr. Crustacean

YOU ARE MAKING A MOCKERY OF MY--! [Krabby Patty accidentally lands in his mouth and he eats it] This taste is... is fantastic! What do you call it? [he then eats another one]

A Krabby Patty.

CMr. Crustacean

[eats more Krabby Patties] The whole world must taste this!

French Narrator

Meanwhile, at the Krusty Krab... [We see that the Krusty Krab is all decorated fancy]

Hey, Squidward, look at this! [holds up a plate with a small fruit on it] We're charging 52 smackeroos for this little guy. [laughs and then Squidward smells its horrible odor]

Squidward

Oh! What is that?!

I don't know! Some kind of bean paste or something.

LSLe Schnook

Wrong, monsieur! It is ze Rare Fruit of ze Kazook Tree.

So it's supposed to smell like a rotten gym socks?

LSLe Schnook

Its naturally rancid odor can only be neutralized by shredded gold.

Shredded... [gulps] gold? [Le Schnook then starts shredding gold with a cheese grater. Mr. Krabs screams and takes it away from him] Couldn't we use less expensive ingredients?

LSLe Schnook

Price can be no object when it comes to dealing with exquisite food like zis. It must be prepared with only the finest ingredients, and eaten with only the finest silverware, while sitting on the finest furniture! [Le Schnook tries to sit in one of the chair, but it is just a billboard] Zis... is not ze chair I ordered.

Yeah, well you see those were out of stock.

LSLe Schnook

And zis fork of plastic... Spray painted to look silver, is it not? [Mr. Krabs starts to sweat, chuckling nervously. Le Schnook gets back up, dusting himself] I cannot prepare food UNDER ZESE CONDITIONS!

S5 Le Big Switch

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[The scene switches to the Krusty Krab and it has a sign that reads “out of business” because it went bankrupt. Inside the restaurant, repo men are seen hauling away the fancy furniture. We then see Mr. Krabs crying in his office]

I'm ruined! Busted! [phone then rings and Mr. Krabs answers it] Hello?

Pearl

[on phone] Daddy, the house is full of burglars.

[laughs] No, those aren't burglars, Pearl. Those are just friendly repo men. [Mr. Krabs hangs up and notices Squidward being held on to by his arms by two other repo men]

Squidward

Mr. Krabs, tell these guys to let go of me!

Uh, well, you know, until I come up with the money I owe, I'm afraid you'll be staying with these nice gents.

Squidward

You sold me?!?

No! Bartered is more like it. They keep you, I keep my kneecaps.

MWMan who's holding Squidward

Come on, mac! [takes him away]

Squidward

You're pathetic! [Le Schnook then walks in]

Oh, Mr. Le Schnook... I lost everything! I'm bankrupt! You and your fancy eats are all I got left now.

LSLe Schnook

Not quite. My time in the chef's exchange program has expired. So my "eats" and I are leaving. [hands Mr. Krabs a bill] This is for you.

Is it money?

LSLe Schnook

It is the bill for my services.

[Mr. Krabs unfolds the bill. His eyes become bloodshot, and he is unable to move as Le Schnook leaves]

RMRepo Man

One side, please.

[The repo men take Mr. Krabs’ desk and chair away while he is sitting in it, a repo man brings Mr. Krabs back into the restaurant lobby. He is set down on the floor. Mr. Krabs starts crying]

Oh, I've been such a fool! I turned away SpongeBob, the best fry cook I ever had, and it cost me everything!

[offscreen] Mr. Krabs?

Oh, I can still hear his sweet little voice.

[offscreen, high pitched] Mr. Kra-a-abs?!

Okay, now I'm scared.

[offscreen] MR. KRABS!!!

Darn his cursed mocking voice! I... [notices SpongeBob] SpongeBob?

Ahoy, Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob, me boy. [hugs SpongeBob] You came back! [notices the customers on SpongeBob's leg] And you brought customers!

S5 Le Big Switch

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[sighs] I don't understand, Squidward. Where are all the customers? I know the Krusty Krab isn't Bikini Bottom's most prestigious eatery, but at least it's better than that salty old Chum Bucket across the street and that's our only competition.

Squidward

Am I getting paid extra for this conversation?

S5 20,000 Patties Under the Sea

Oh, come on, Squidward. Can't you just pretend to listen for once in your life? Do it for old Mr. Krabs.

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The gloves are off now. [takes his hand off to show a human hand] It's booger time!

Oh, booger, schmooger, you don't even have a nose. [pokes his nose]

Oh, yeah? [clenches his face, and forms a nose. SpongeBob gasps, and Patrick picks his nose]

[screams] Booger! [continues screaming while running to the front door of the Krusty Krab, with Patrick behind him] Run! Run, Mr. Krabs! Patrick is digging for gold! [they run into the kitchen]

Gold? [giggles; runs into the kitchen to find the gold, but comes out with nothing]

Squidward

[to Mr. Krabs] Did you get any of Patrick's "gold"?

He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for!

S5 The Battle of Bikini Bottom

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Squidward

[to the audience] Welcome to the Krusty Krab, where it's almost if the evolutionary clock ticks backwards.

[in the kitchen]

SPSpongeBob and Patrick

Squidward had a Krabby Patty...

[at the cash register, Squidward is trying to take a customer's order, but Patrick and SpongeBob are still singing]

Squidward

Excuse me for just a second. [he pokes his head through the order window to talk to SpongeBob and Patrick] Do you mind? I'm trying to work at a fast food restaurant. You might wanna try it some time!

I sure would, Squidward. That sounds----

Hey, wait a minute! SpongeBob, you already do work at a fast food restaurant.

[it looks like SpongeBob forgot that he already works at a restaurant, which is very unusual, considering he has worked at it since "Help Wanted"]

Oh, yeah.

SPSpongeBob and Patrick

Yay!

Squidward

Remind me to fire my therapist.

S5 The Two Faces of Squidward

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Squidward...

Squidward

SpongeBob...?

You're back! Oh, Squidward...I love you no matter how many times we smash your face.

Squidward

Almost wish that meant something.

[Crowd leaves after seeing Squidward not handsome anymore]

Hey, where you going?! Don't leave me! Please, I'm beggin' ya! Look. I can make him handsome again. Watch! [slams the door on Squidward's face repeatedly] See? [slam!] He's getting handsome. It just takes a little- [slam!] -Effort, just a little- [slam!] -Elbow grease. Please! Come back!

S5 The Two Faces of Squidward

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GMrs. Gristlepuss

I am Mrs. Gristlepuss. We are The United Organization Of Fish Against Things That Are Fun And Delicious. Or, T.U.O.O.F.A.T.T.A.F.A.D. for short. And we are going to ban these so called "Krabby Patties" and close your restaurant forever!

What the...

[pops up] Mrs. Gristlepuss, maybe if you were to taste the Krabby Patty for yourself, you too could experience the awesome pleasure.

GMrs. Gristlepuss

I would soon the sprout legs and do the Watusi.

Ooh, okay.

Ah, it don't matter anyway, lad, she can't close us down. [later, the Krusty Krab is locked up and has a "Closed" sign on it.] She closed us down. I'M RUINED!!! [crying] How did is come to this?

Squidward

You called Miss Gristlepuss a disgusting old prune then you threatened her with a french fry strainer.

Well, I didn't know where husband was a chief of police.

S5 Banned in Bikini Bottom

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Hi, Squidward. I'd like you to meet my cousin, Stanley.

Stanley

We're related.

Squidward

THERE'S TWO OF THEM?! AHHHH! [runs into his house, gathers up all his belongings, and puts a "For Sale" sign next to his house. A Bikini Bottom Movers van picks him up] STEP ON IT!!! [The van drives off]

Stanley

Your friend Squidward seems busy.

Ah, that's okay. I'm sure Sandy can think of something.

S5 Stanley S. SquarePants

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Yeah, Mr. Krabs. What did happen next?

Squidward

[sarcastically] Yeah, I really wanna know.