Squidward quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

It's rotten garbage now. [throws it in the garbage, then blasts it with a rocket launcher] That's better.

Squidward

That was my cheese! It's supposed to smell like that, kelp for brains!

S6 No Nose Knows

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[reading tombstone] Here lies the nose of Patrick Star. Rip. [referring to the R.I.P as Rest in Peace] Well, this is terrible! All Patrick wanted was to be like the rest of us, and we punished him for it.

Squidward

Who cares? At least now that pink moron will leave us alone.

I heard that! [moves to Patrick with giant human ears]

S6 No Nose Knows

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Didn't you used to have one of those cucumber bicycles?

Squidward

Oh. [laughs] That was a recumbent bicycle, and I sold it.

Why?

Squidward

So, I could get further away from you! [rushes off]

Okay, I'll see you later then, Squidward.

S6 Boating Buddies

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Squidward

[looks at his watch] Oh! I'm almost late for Choir Practice! Better not run into SpongeBob again or I'm doomed! [takes a turn next to a large field of grass, then starts pedaling into it. He gets out and laughs] Figaro! Figaro-Figaro-Figa-roooo!

[steps out of the grasses in a policeman's hat and mustache] Stop! Stop Stop! [Squidward notices him, screams then comes to a screeching halt] I here by issue you with this ticket, for reckless frowning, and failing to listen to my song!

Squidward

Your song? What are you, some kind of...

That's right! I'm a singing traffic cop!

Squidward

A singing traffic...

♪O Sole Lo Mio...♪

Squidward

[rips off SpongeBob's fake mustache] SpongeBob, I will be late to practice with all of your tomfoolery slowing me down! [grabs the ticket and rips it up] It is a high honor to be chosen for the Bikini Bottom Men's Chorus, and you are not going to keep me from performing my Grand Solo! [ties SpongeBob to some coral, using kelp, then rides away] ♪Figaro! Figaro, Figaro, Fi-ga-ro!♪

[After a really long beat...]

♪Fii-gaa-roo♪ [Everything around starts shaking, the ground rumbles. Kelp breaks off SpongeBob as he stops singing, but an echo is heard. Cut to Jellyfish Fields, and the camera pans to a couple of jellyfish. They hear his singing and follow the source. SpongeBob falls to the ground, and the jellyfish come while buzzing excitedly and pick him up to the choir.; SpongeBob is holding note while being travelled down the road by jellyfish, in a beam of sunlight]

S6 Choir Boys

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Patrick and I have come up with a secret handshake.

Secret!

SPSpongeBob and Patrick

[playing patty-cake] Patty-cake, patty-cake, sailor man! Bake me a cake as fast...

Squidward

SpongeBob! That's not a secret handshake! Everybody knows Patty-cake!

Not the way we do it.

We don't use our pinkies.

S6 Cephalopod Lodge

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Squidward

[Gary's food bowl lands on Squidward, who is on the couch, which is tipped over. Squidward sits up to realize he has the vacuum stuck inside of him] SpongeBob! [he loses balance out of the room, and falls down the stairs. He stops on one stair for the vacuum whirring, and his next step makes him fall off the final stairs before choking out the vacuum] Is it really you? [switches the vacuum to on, allowing it to whir. He picks it up] It is you! [kisses it] Come on, baby. You and I will walk out of this horror show the way we walked into it: with dignity and aplomb. [he walks out of SpongeBob's house to hear a siren, and sees firemen hosing his burnt house, while SpongeBob and Patrick are there] My house...

You just missed the fire. [Squidward walks to the firemen]

Squidward

What happened to my house? [fireman holds up a burnt casserole]

FFireman

Oh, some knucklehead left a casserole in the oven.

Squidward

[yelling] SPOOOOOONGEBOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!!!!!!!!

Aw, don't worry, Squidward. You're more than welcome to stay at my house until you get your house fixed.

[Squidward becomes shocked with ominous music playing, he suddenly imagines himself at a table with his vacuum cleaner at the seat across from him.]

Squidward

Why, yes, I'd love another spot of tea, Mr. Vacuum Cleaner. [holds up the burnt casserole] Care for some casserole? [crazed laughter. Camera zooms in on his pupil, and the scene cuts back to real life]

Squidward? You okay? Squidward? [Squidward faints; yelling] SQUIIIIIIIIIIDWAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRD!!!!!!!!!!

S6 Squid's Visit

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Squidward

Here's the slop you ordered. [tosses tray of food down on customer's table] Enjoy. If you can choke it down. [laughs]

[writes] Be rude to customers and insult food. Nasally laugh.

[Bubble transition to Squidward throwing a bag of trash at the dumpster out back. He breaks the bag open. SpongeBob does the same. Squidward pats SpongeBob on the head. Bubble transition.]

CCustomer

Can I get a Krabby Patty Combo?

Squidward

No.

CCustomer

How about a Double Krabby?

No.

CCustomer

Can I get a Triple Patty with cheese?

[nudging Squidward] Oh I think you've had way too many of those. [both laugh like Squidward as the customer walks off angry. Cut to another trash bag broken being thrown at the dumpster. SpongeBob tosses a tray on a customers table, spilling the drinks on the floor]

Squidward

Taught him everything he knows. [more bags of trash being broken and customers getting burnt food or food thrown at them. SpongeBob and Squidward are snoring the bathroom while customers are waiting to use the stalls. Customers are clamoring in line while SpongeBob and Squidward are snoring at the cash register as Mr. Krabs enters]

[angry] What are you two doing?! Get to work! I'm used to Squidward sleeping on the job, but I expect more from you, Mr. SquarePants!

I am not SpongeBob SquarePants, Mr. Krabs!

What in the name of Davy Jones are you talking about?!

I mean, do these pants look square to you? They're round!

Yeah, so?

I can't be SpongeBob SquarePants with round pants!

Who told you that?

Patrick.

[Pans quickly to Patrick about to eat but stops and puts his Krabby Patty down as he realizes his error.]

Well, why don't you just take them off?

[Bubble transition to SpongeBob bringing out a Krabby Patty in his underwear.]

Order up, Squidward!

Sandy

Well well, if it isn't SpongeBob UnderPants! [chuckles. SpongeBob notices he's in his underwear and screams as the episode ends]

S6 To SquarePants or Not to SquarePants

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Squidward

You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturally barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!

Harold

Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.

Squidward

Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves?

Well, I guess if I was to say one thing, it would have to be: We're sorry, Squidward. [Squidward looks horrified as SpongeBob revealed Squidward's name]

Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.

Squidward

[frantic] No, no, no, no, no! Shh shh shh...

Harold

Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?

Squidward

[frantic] No, no, no, no, no! They said "Squilliam"!

Gus

Oh! I knew this guy was phony from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.

Harold

Yeah, me, too! I'm gonna get my tuition back!

Squidward

No! Wait! [everyone walks to the door and Squidward blocks it] NO! You're not going anywhere!

[The door is smashed open and several police fish run in. Squidward, who was flattened against the wall by the door, is grabbed by them]

Squidward

Wha-What's going on here?

JJohnson

Sorry, Professor, your little symphony is over.

MSMusic School Headmistress

[she and the real Squilliam Fancyson are there] It's true, we're onto your little ruse! [the reporter and cameraman are there too]

BBBikini Bottom News Reporter

What a hot scoop!

MSMusic School Headmistress

The real Squiliam as we all know has a large bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead.

Squidward

But... [a police officer rips off Squidward's Wig]

GPGreen Police Fish

No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, i'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.

[Squidward is handcuffed and taken away by the police. SpongeBob takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Patrick start swaying to the rhythm again]

SPSpongeBob and Patrick

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...

S6 Professor Squidward

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Okay, boy, get out there. [throws SpongeBob outside towards Plankton's robot and SpongeBob gets grabbed by the robot]

Um... hello... what do you want robot thing, sir? [Plankton walks out on a boardwalk] Oh, hey Plankton! What are you doing here?

PPlankton

I'm here for the secret formula you twit! Now I want you to go in there and tell Krabs that if he doesn't turn over the formula to me, that he'll be subjected to utter annihilation at my... Are you getting this? [SpongeBob inhales and shakes his head; Plankton face palms and groans] Agh! Idiot! Okay, I'll make it simple: Krabs give me secret formula or I bring big boom-boom to Krusty Krab. Got it?

[writing on clipboard] Krabs give me secret formula or... uhhh... what was that other thing?

PPlankton

[groans frustratedly] Forget it! [marches back into his command module, drops SpongeBob] Bring on the Boom-Boom! [laughs]

[Plankton's robot starts marching toward the Krusty Krab]

Battle stations, men! Here he comes!

We're all doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed!

Squidward

[walking out of the Krusty Krab] Later.

[The robot continues to march again with Plankton. But then, you notice that the extension cord that is powering the robot is about to be unplugged. The robot stops only foot away from the Krusty Krab]

PPlankton

Hey, what gives?

[SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs emerge from the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs laughed at Plankton's failed attempt and the two walked away.]

S6 Komputer Overload

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[SpongeBob and Patrick are relaxing on Squidward's couch, both looking bored]

Huh...Patrick?

Yeah?

Whaddya wanna do today?

I don't know.

Well, I guess we could play something. [opens a toy chest and rummages through] How about a yo...

No.

yo. [tosses it aside] Buried treasure board game?

Nah.

Dollies?

Hm..... nope. [SpongeBob holds up a ship in a bottle] No. [SpongeBob holds up a paddle ball] Nope. Nope. Uh-uh. No. Nah.

[holding up Old Man Walker] How about this?

OMOld Man Walker

Hello.

Uh-uh.

[tosses Old Man Walker aside, then falls into the chest and re-emerges with action figures] Hey, we could play with our Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy action figures! Ew. Barnacle Boy's all chewed up. And slimy.

[chewing on a Mermaid Man action figure] Yeah, that'll happen.

[tosses Barnacle Boy aside, wipes his hand, and wades through toys] Ugh, there is just nothing to play with.

There's gotta be something we can do.

Squidward

[walks out of the shower] Ladda-de ladd-dum ladda-do... Hey! What are you doing in my house?

Hi, Squidward. Can you think of anything fun we can do?

Squidward

GET OUT!

Well, yeah, we thought of that one.

Squidward

[pushes SpongeBob, Patrick, and a pile of toys out the door] I believe this pile belongs to you. [throws Old Man Walker out the door]

OMOld Man Walker

Where are we goin' now, boys?

S6 Toy Store of Doom

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JJKL

In return for its awesomeness, the Big One always demands... a sacrifice. One of you...will not return.

Squidward

I volunteer SpongeBob!

S6 E11 SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One

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Good morning, Gary!

Gary

Meow.

A little overboard? And take a chance at being late for the single most greatest day of my career. The 100th anniversary of the Krusty Krab. Oh, oh, oh, I think not. No self-respecting Krusty Krab employee would be late on this day.

[A line of alarm clocks are leading to the inside of Squidward's house.

Squidward

[muttering] What the?

[yelling out of his window] See you at the big event, Squidward!

S6 E23 Truth or Square

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Today's a big a day for the Krusty Krab, so I want yous to listen up. [pushes the button. It causes a shield to go around the Krusty Krab] It's a perfect opportunity for Plankton to try and steal the Krabby Patty formula. [pulls a lever that looks like a handle on a table]

Squidward

Isn't that just the Krusty Krab?

No. It's a holographic projection of the Krusty Krab. I want you two to watch all the entrances.

Squidward

You mean the front door and the back door?

Those are just the ones on the surface. There is an entire network of tunnels and air ducts underground and I want all eyes on the look out!

Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs. [eyes grow on him, filling his holes]